If you know me at all then you know that I am one of those overly (annoying) optimistic people. Everything will be fine. It will all work out. Good things come to those who wait. Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord. Wait. That last one may not fit.

The thing is, I’m not wired to be a Worrier. I know people that spin endlessly on what-ifs and whatnot and I while I do not judge them for it, I simply cannot relate. As one who crams as much as she can (And more!) into every day I don’t see how worrying about what may (possibly) happen if this thing occurs and that thing comes to be and, oh! My head hurts.

It’s not like I don’t have cause to join the ranks of the Worriers. I have a perfectly healthy family. Our parents are all alive. Cancer hasn’t hit a single person in our circle of family or friends. There has not been a tragedy with anyone close to us. The proverbial shoe is probably waiting to land square on my head in an attempt to squash my optimism. And yet, I refuse to waste the time spinning on the possibility of something that may never come to be.

This past weekend my kids told me that there was a Black Widow spider in our yard and I didn’t take them completely seriously. Until I walked over, camera in hand, and captured the fair maiden in all of her glory.

Black Widow

I wasn’t scared at all. It’s a bug. OK, fine, an arachnid. But the kids were shaking so Daddy took care of the threat. R.I.P. Ms. Widow.

It got me thinking about what I am truly afraid of.

I am afraid that I will outlive my kids or Matthew. Every time (EVERY TIME) I travel I have horrible visions of me leaving them behind or of them perishing in my absence.

I am afraid of being alone when Matthew is out of town. I check the locks fifty times before I turn in and startle awake at every creak and groan of the house. I worry that someone (or something) will enter my home uninvited.

I am afraid that I will get to the end of my life and not make the impact on people that I want to. That I will not hear, “Well done”.

I am afraid to fail. At work, at love, as a friend, at life. Having someone disappointed in me is the equivalent of having a spear pierce my heart and knock me to the ground.

Clowns. Clowns are creepy and horrible and I once saw one driving a truck with a cigarette hanging out if his mouth and, well. Twelve years later I am still scarred.

So tell me, dear friends. What are you afraid of?

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

comment via Facebook

comments

Comments:

  1. a- April 20, 2010 6:35 am edit

    The mother who raised me, was not the same women I knew for that last 10 years of her life.
    The fiesty, funny, tough as nails, loving woman was replaced by a bitter, violent alcholic. Our last years were toxic and the good times were few and far between.

    Everyday I fear that the same switch will be flipped in me. That I will abandon my children just when they need me the most.

    1. angella April 21, 2010 7:03 pm edit

      As you know, I share this fear too. We can do this. xoxo

  2. Jenn of the Roof April 20, 2010 6:55 am edit

    Revolving doors. Idiotic, I know, but I got stuck in one once, and can’t go through them ever since.

    That, and same as you, outliving my children. That terrifies me.
    .-= Jenn of the Roof´s last blog ..My Mom the Rock Star =-.

    1. angella April 21, 2010 7:03 pm edit

      DUDE. I’ve never been stuck in one, but they FREAK ME OUT. Seriously.

  3. Eric's Mommy April 20, 2010 7:15 am edit

    I am pretty much afraid of the exact same things that you are. Especially the clowns! Now I have a scary vision of the clown driving a truck with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, OMG.

    On a more serious note, I am very scared of cancer. My Dad had Lymphoma at 30, the same age I am now! He is now cancer free, but 2 of my Aunts and my Grandmother all died young from cancer. One of my Aunts was only 39 with 3 kids and she was like a sister to me, that was in 2000 and I still think of her every day. My Grandmother was 67 and I was her first Grandchild, need I say more (SPOILED) I think about her also every day, she died 6 days after Eric (her first Great Grandchild) was born. I have had a couple little cancer scares already myself.

    Also, spiders I am deathly afraid of spiders. I would not have had the courage you did to take a picture of a Black Widow!

  4. Sizzle April 20, 2010 7:29 am edit

    I’m afraid of heights and falling to my death.

    I am afraid of one big thing but I’m not ready to talk about it yet. That’s what therapy is for, right?
    .-= Sizzle´s last blog ..Who’s the Dip Now? =-.

  5. Kami's Khlopchyk April 20, 2010 8:11 am edit

    That spider is going to give me nightmares. I wouldn’t have taken a picture but rather got the shotgun. I guess you know what I am afraid of…also bees and other creepy crawlies.

    My biggest fear is cancer. And I know without a doubt that it will happen to someone I love most. I am bracing myself and not taking any moment for granted. It could all change in a nanosecond.
    .-= Kami’s Khlopchyk´s last blog ..The Corruption of a Sweet Little Girl =-.

  6. alimartell April 20, 2010 8:12 am edit

    too many things to count…birds, clowns, being bald, creepy twins, quazimodo…
    .-= alimartell´s last blog ..A Loser of Things. =-.

  7. DawnA April 20, 2010 8:20 am edit

    The dark, being alone and/or lonely, getting stuck in a small place (I can’t watch cave explorer shows), illness…….too many to list.

  8. C @ Kid Things April 20, 2010 8:25 am edit

    A tree falling on my house. Getting electrocuted. Something happening to my kids. Car accidents. Any flying insect with a stinger. Death. The list could go on, actually. Um yeah, I have problems.
    .-= C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..The Best Pizza Ever =-.

  9. Danica April 20, 2010 8:45 am edit

    I’m afraid of sexual predators. My mom wasn’t able to protect me, and I’m deathly afraid that some hidden and violent threat is after my kids and that I am unable to protect them. I do what I can of course, and I pray about it a LOT, but it still worries me. And one of the really sad side effects is that I see most every man I know as a potential threat. Family members. Friends. Fathers of my kids’ friends. And so on. I realize it’s not fair to the men, and I try to ‘talk myself down’ when the fear creeps in. It sucks.

    And I have to say, I don’t find your eternal optimism annoying at all! I love it. I have a tendency to melancholy. It’s something I try to combat and I like “hanging out” with happy people such as yourself, hoping it will rub off. And it does! So thanks a billion for that!
    .-= Danica´s last blog ..Mission Accomplished =-.

  10. Ashley April 20, 2010 8:56 am edit

    I think most of us Mommies fear being left behind by our kids or our spouses but I fear their lives without me. I fear that something will happen to me and they won’t remember who I am, that one day they’ll say, “I wish my mom were here”. And to that end, I also fear that they’ll wish, that I wasn’t who I am. That I’ll embarass them (which I will) to a point that they won’t want to claim me as theirs.

    PS. I also fear Spiders and kill them with phone books or frying pans, and would do the same to a mouse should it enter my home.

  11. Coach J April 20, 2010 9:00 am edit

    Ooohh…. the whole failure thing resonates with me big time. I’m afraid of not making an impact, of not doing the very best I can, of not rising to my potential.

    That and flying. I love travel, but I hate flying. Go figures.
    .-= Coach J´s last blog ..Bring more than coffee =-.

  12. Hilda April 20, 2010 9:05 am edit

    I’m totally afraid when my hubby isn’t home either. I check all the locks 50 times too and can’t sleep.
    .-= Hilda´s last blog ..An Outing =-.

  13. Kerri Anne April 20, 2010 10:02 am edit

    Sometimes I notice that instead of being afraid of something that at one time scared me, I’m actually angry at said frightening noun.

    Clowns, for example, don’t scare me as much as make me want to punch them in their horrible red clown noses.

    Movies with too much gratuitous gore, and movies about psycho people doing psycho things to good people? Less scary, more “OMG, I HATE YOU. Want to fight? Come over here with your psycho self and watch me punch you in the face.” (Umm, yeah. Probably not the sanest reaction ever, but movies like that make me want to kick someone’s…ahem.)

    Spiders always startle me, but once I realize they are something like 1/8 my size, I’m not so much scared as startled. Black Widows, however? Yeah, sorry. Not allowed to live in my vicinity either.

    On a serious note, I think to a certain extent everyone is afraid of mortality, both their own and their loved ones’. We all die. We all will die, and as much as we can find peace while staring that reality in the face, it’s scary to lose people, and to feel lost ourselves.

    Oh, and I’m scared of standing on top of tall buildings where I could fall off. Not afraid of heights. Just that I would somehow accidentally toss myself off a building by standing too close to the edge. Does that make any sense? I think maybe I sound a little crazy right now. Awesome.
    .-= Kerri Anne´s last blog ..Fifteen Years Later =-.

  14. Shelly April 20, 2010 10:42 am edit

    I HATE spiders. I once woke my dad up at 2AM to come and kill a spider in my bedroom. He was NOT impressed.

    Another thing? Elevators. I despise the look, the sounds, the way some people jump to feel that feeling in their stomach (I seriously white knuckle grip whatever I can if someone pulls that shit on me) and I will take the stairs if at all possible. I think I watch too many movies. :)

    1. angella April 21, 2010 7:21 pm edit

      Yes! Elevators! Skeeve me OUT. But my kids love them…

  15. hillary April 20, 2010 11:09 am edit

    snakes, sharks, drowning, blood, odd numbers, cats, tall buildings, worms, rickety bridges, the list goes on …
    .-= hillary´s last blog ..So I Crawl Underneath My Blanket Where I Can Hide Away I Know I Can’t Take It =-.

  16. Hannah April 20, 2010 2:32 pm edit

    I have similar fears to you, although clowns don’t worry me. I’m afraid of failing (Type A personality thing, perhaps?) … I worry about something happening to my husband or kids while I’m away, or while they’re away … I worry about intruders when Rob is not here and I’m home alone with the kids at night. This is now worse because one night when Rob came home really late from a rugby match he heard 2 guys in our back yard. I was asleep and didn’t hear anything. Apparently he yelled at them and they took off … and I STILL didn’t hear anything. I would have been SO scared if I had. They were just kids who were fence hopping, and harmless, but I still would have been freaked out. Now I know that happened, I will be extra worried next time I’m home alone at night. SIGH.
    PRAYER is what keeps my anxiety at bay. I just pray, and God calms me. Otherwise I end up having full-on panic attacks. Okay, so I’ve only had one of those once, when one of my boys was VERY sick and I was not able to be with him. But yeah, I pray.

  17. Jen Wilson April 20, 2010 4:05 pm edit

    Lately? I have a desperate fear of being hungry. Not sure why. But it explains the 20 lbs I’ve gained in 2010. (Seriously.)

    I also have a horrid fear of leaving my children with other people, always thinking that something bad is going to happen to them. (I will NOT leave them with my own mother, but that also has other reasons.) It takes a LOT for me to trust someone with them.

    I have the same fear when I go away too – that something will happen to me or them.

    Also, the dark. TERRIFIED. Will NOT go outside alone in the dark, and I turn on lights wherever I go. But no, I don’t have a night light. But I do check under the bed every night. And sometimes the closets.

  18. Momo Fali April 20, 2010 8:12 pm edit

    Let me just go ahead and say it then…WELL DONE!

    I’m afraid of dying before I experiece more life moments with my children.

  19. Lisa April 21, 2010 8:27 am edit

    Things I am afraid of:

    My country going the way of totalitarianism.

    The mortality thing: my husband, my kids (or me dying early), friends who are very close to me.

    Losing close friends NOT through death.

    CANCER! That has been a fear since my Grandpa died of colon cancer when I was in the fifth grade.

    Flying, even tho I do it.

    Failing even tho I have been doing that spectacularly lately.

    Yes, I am a melancholy/introvert sort of person, why? :)

    1. angella April 21, 2010 7:22 pm edit

      I’ll just add: ME TOO. :)

  20. mpotter April 21, 2010 10:12 am edit

    i have quite a few (irrational) fears:
    needles, fire!, bugs, and “monsters”.

    but my biggest fear is a direct quote from my mom- and i have always been able to relate: “i’m ascared of being ascared”!

    and i’m glad that you have not yet been touched by cancer in some way. i can honestly say you are the first person i’ve ever come across who can say that. i do hope it continues!

    incidentally, cancer was the focus of my latest post.
    .-= mpotter´s last blog ..cancer dot org =-.

  21. Ninabi April 21, 2010 10:35 am edit

    Africanized bees terrify me. I’m afraid we’ll be out horseback riding, disturb a nest and they’ll attack the horses and us out in the middle of nowhere.

    I’ve been caught in two swarms (one while driving with the windows down) and while they were just bees “moving house” I had no idea if they were a disturbed hive on the attack or just finding a new place and when the bee tornado overtook me, I honestly thought it was the last day of my life.

    I’m allergic to them.

    I’ve had a few come down the chimney, too.

    Our new house doesn’t have a fireplace….

    1. angella April 21, 2010 7:24 pm edit

      I stepped on a bee three years ago and it was the worst experience EVER. Well, in the history of Ever for my foot. I hate bees.

  22. Mama in the City April 21, 2010 11:41 am edit

    I am afraid of something happening to my ‘baby’ when he is not with me in plain sight.

    I feel like only ‘I’ can make the best, the safest, the wisest decisions because I am the mother. Screwed up logic and does nothing to really prevent anything.

    I am also afraid that I will miss some early signs of a devastating medical condition and it will be too late and I will die. Serious.
    .-= Mama in the City´s last blog ..My Purple Parma Purse: I Love Purses =-.

    1. angella April 21, 2010 7:26 pm edit

      I’m scared of that too! Oy.

  23. Jennifer Kirk April 21, 2010 7:17 pm edit

    I’m afraid of car accidents.

    As you know, cancer has touched me in many ways. I hate cancer.

    My husband has been in North Carolina all week and this doesn’t bother me at all… yep, lonely quiet house but WOOHOOOOO no cooking, hello take-out Thai food!!!!

    And dude… nice spider photo. Did you use a macro lens?
    .-= Jennifer Kirk´s last blog ..Salina & Neil’s engagement session =-.

    1. angella April 21, 2010 7:30 pm edit

      Thanks! And, no. I had the 24-70mm f/2.8 on. :)

  24. Jennifer W. April 21, 2010 8:43 pm edit

    Terrifying fear: Losing my child(ren). I lost my dad when I was 13 and that was agony. I shudder to think what my grandparents felt when their child died before them.

    Stupid fear: that the arms I know are under the bed will reach out to get me, thus my attempts to pole vault onto the bed every now and then when the fear strikes. My inner 8 year old rears it’s ugly head…
    .-= Jennifer W.´s last blog ..2nd Birthday Owl-travaganza =-.

  25. Cousin Teresa April 21, 2010 8:54 pm edit

    I used to have more fears but have worked my way through a few.
    Heights practically make me cry, not tall building love those, I get freaked out when I am on a chair or ladder though, lol.
    And I am terrified of driving. 36 years old and still no license.

  26. Kristabella April 22, 2010 2:36 pm edit

    I’m afraid of black widow spiders! Or I should say, I am afraid of getting bitten by a poisonous thing, be it spider, snake, scorpion, etc. So basically, I’m afraid of dying. And I think I have that fear because I want to fall in love and get married and have babies. And I would hate to die before any of those things happen.

    Also, then my mom would read my journals. OY VEY!
    .-= Kristabella´s last blog ..A Little Bit Of This, A Little Bit Of That =-.

  27. JenniferB April 23, 2010 9:26 pm edit

    Terrified that I won’t be able to protect my kids from what got me as a child, nauseated at the thought of enclosed spaces, and absolutely totally afraid *right now* of the hear and now that is happening in my life and what I might have to do to deal with it.

Other Posts

  • Over at YMC, I have a photo tutorial for how to make custom bokeh shapes. Time to dust of your big camera, friends.

    ⇒ #
  • I was interviewed by Canadian Tire and am featured in their online catalogue. We're all a little bit geeked out over here.

    ⇒ #
  • I was part of a Facebook conversation with some fabulous ladies, which was then transcripted into two articles about empowering your kids. Check them out here and here.

    This was sponsored by McCains, but all views and comments are my own.

    ⇒ #

Want to receive my posts by email?
Enter your email address:

Categories