We’ve talked more frequently in the past few weeks than we normally do. It’s not as though either of us is ever at a loss for words – it’s more that we simply don’t have the time. Our days are filled with work, with family, with extra-curricular activities. Before we know it, many weeks have gone by since we last touched base. We always pick up right where we left off, as we are wont to do.
He’s been off of work for the past few weeks, so he has been more apt to pick up the phone and say hello. He, like me, is not one to sit idly by and can only do so many crossword puzzles before he needs to talk to another human being. Last week we got to talking about his leave of absence from work. He has not been in pain, per se, but has had this feeling of little shocks on his left side. As a professional bus driver, he thought it wise to take some time off of work, make a visit to his doctor and see if they could figure out what was causing the discomfort that he is in. His doctor noticed that he had lost some muscle mass on the left side of his chest and had sent him to a specialist in order to run some tests.
He told me that if the tests came back with something serious enough to keep him off of work for a longer time, then he might have to look at buying some canvases and acrylics. He used to paint, nearly forty years ago. He abandoned it along the way but it’s been simmering inside all of this time.
His doctor told him that he would get the results on Wednesday. I asked him to let me know what the outcome was and carried on with my week. I am not a worrier by nature and have never been one to spin a situation twenty different ways. Things would be great, as they always are. He would be fine, as he always is. We would be untouched by tragedy, as we always are.
Wednesday night, my phone rang. We talked about Christmas, about the stocking that his wife had knit for Emily, about the plans we had for the holidays. There was a lull in the conversation and I asked him if he had received the results.
We’ve decided not to say anything until we get a second opinion.
I told him that wasn’t fair, that I deserved to know what was going on, that I wanted to know what to pray for. Was it cancer?
It’s not cancer.
I begged, I pleaded, I cajoled. He caved and told me what was happening. I sat here, weeping, while he put a put a positive spin on it. Much like I would.
Everyone dies, sweetie. I am lucky that I have a time stamp on it; I can make the most of what I have.
Which, yes, and I get that. I do. When the time comes for me to go I am hoping that I have that extra time to hold everyone just a little bit closer. After reading up on what he has, however, I don’t know that I would pick that path to death’s door.
My Dad has ALS, which is also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. There is no known cause, and no known cure. He has two to five years to live, all of which will consist of his body degenerating.
I know that everyone dies and I know that I have been lucky in my lack of loss and I know that it could be worse somehow. But still. This is my Dad that I’m talking about.
I love you, Daddy.
Comments:
You are so good at putting your emotions on paper. I’m balling at your post, I feel so much, and I’m so sorry for you.
Jenn
My heart breaks for you. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. May God make His face to shine upon you and give you peace.
The title gave away “something” but I still got tears in my eyes when I read it. Hugs and prayers, there’s not much more I can offer.
Redflagdeals.com and orbitz.com sometimes have good prices…in response to your tweet.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas… =-.
Sorry, meant flightnetwork.com, not redflagdeals.
Air Canada is cheapest from NZ based on a search I just ran (and only has one stop).
WestJet seems to be cheapest from ON.
Hope you all get some time together.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas… =-.
My dear Angella, may Christ’s peace that surpasses all understanding be with you, your family and your dad. My eyes filled with tears as I read your post. It may be helpful for you to phone Darron and Kristin Froese, their Uncle Ron passed away today after battling ALS for 13 years. They may be able to give you some information or have better words to say than I.
I love you and will be stopping to pray for you and your dad right now. God bless you and keep you in His care my beautiful friend.
Tanya
I am so sorry for you and your family and will pray. I DO know that God will show you things over these next years that you never could have imagined. I pray your dad sees those same things and knows Him deeply.
.-= Karmyn´s last blog ..Tis the Season =-.
Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry.
.-= Victoria´s last blog ..Look For The Girl With The Sun In Her Eyes But She’s Gone* =-.
That’s really rough, awful news. I’m thinking of you, sweetie.
Oh Angella, I’m so very sorry. Praying for you, your Dad and all of your family as you grapple with this news.
.-= Elaine´s last blog ..PSF – The Joy of Pancakes =-.
I am so sorry, friend. Thinking of you.
.-= Jen the Trephinist´s last blog ..Look who’s coming to dinner. =-.
They say trials and suffering are what God uses to develop character. As someone in the midst of this I like to joke that I hope it’s for the better not the worse…or I might turn out to be a real character! Praying for strength, peace, hope and joy in the midst of it all for you and your family.
I don’t think that any words right now will be a comfort, but just know that all these people out there are thinking of you and praying for you and your family. Sending out my prayers and a big online hug to you.
There is very little I could say that would make anything any better, I know this. I am so sorry that this is happening to your family, to your father.
They are making amazing strides in ALS treatments, and the two- to five-year window has been extended significantly in MANY patients, so the window they gave you upsets me greatly on your behalf.
I will pray for strength and love for all of you.
.-= jonniker´s last blog ..Shock the Monkey =-.
Angella,
We’ve been through this (not ALS) but, the time stamp on a loved one’s life.
I know that words are nice but, there’s nothing that makes it better.
My prayers for y’all.
I’m always here.
always.
Love you friend.
.-= rachel-asouthernfairytale´s last blog ..Oreo Truffles =-.
love you!
So very sorry Angela.
.-= slynnro´s last blog ..I’m In New Jersey Trick. =-.
My prayers are with you. I’ve never been close to my dad (parents divorced when I was 6, dad moved out of province to avoid paying child support, lived with my mom and saw my dad once or twice a year). He just called me this morning to say he’s coming for Christmas dinner and I was upset. Mom should get this time with us, not him. I have been struggling these past few years to forgive my dad…I want so badly to, but I just can’t find it in myself to forgive his lack of involvement in my life for the last 23 years. However, your post just made me realize that life is too short. That he is my dad. That he is my son’s grandpa (and he’s making an effort to be part of his life). That one day he will be gone and I might realize that it’s too late. Thank you for opening my eyes and my heart. I am so sorry to read of your sad news. Sending peace and love.
(((hugs))) I am praying for you all.
If you ever need an ear or shoulder i am here. My dad has been gone for 6 years this coming Jan 2nd. I am thankful for the time I had with him and glad that my girls got to know him. To see him with his grandchildren would always melt my heart. he was a hard working guy that was such a softie with the kids.
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..You Capture-Holiday Decorations =-.
I’m so sorry, Angella. What an cruel diagnosis for someone you love so very much. Please keep us posted on your dear father.
I don’t have good enough words to write, but know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
.-= Sharon´s last blog ..Mele Kalikimaka! =-.
I love you!!! Praying hard.
.-= Hannah´s last blog ..It’s over!* =-.
Angella, I rarely comment, but I just wanted to let you know I’m sad for you and your whole family. There just seems to be so much sadness this Christmas season. It seems so wrong, but then God reminds me that he came to bring light to the darkness. May his light be real to you these days.
Angella,
Wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and your family. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers. May your faith in God bring you the strength you need.
You and your dad and your family are in my thoughts, Angella.
.-= Tamara´s last blog ..It’s hard to play it cool =-.
I am so, so sorry. I will be praying.
.-= Danica´s last blog ..Have A Very Cherry Christmas =-.
Angella, I’m so, so sorry. I will pray for you, for him, for all of your family as you wade through so much in the coming weeks.
Oh Angella, I am so sorry for your Dad and of course for you too. {{HUGS}}
.-= kim @ mommyknows´s last blog ..The House that … =-.
I am so sorry. So sorry.
Thoughts and prayers headed in your direction.
.-= Angela´s last blog ..Ode to John Green, who was stabbed by thugs one week ago tonight. =-.
ohh what terrible news for your dad…how frightening.
A neighbour has it and is beating the time line with lots of holistic and naturapathic medicines but is still in a wheelchair now which really sucks.
Courage to you all
.-= Crunchy´s last blog ..Christmas is Coming… =-.
Oh Angella. I’m so sorry.
.-= joyce´s last blog ..Dirty laundry =-.
What sad news, Angella. I’m thinking of you and your family, and sending out hopes and wishes and light for the next while to be full of exactly whatever your dad needs to feel comfortable and fulfilled – resources, support, adventures of all kinds, and of course, love.
.-= sweetsalty kate´s last blog ..prayer of a babylost parent =-.
I’m so sorry to hear this Angella. As I’ve already told you, I’m hear for WHATEVER you need – laughs, a virtual shoulder to cry on, you name it.
Love you!
.-= Kristabella´s last blog ..Groundhog Day =-.
Ugh. Hope he can live well, and longer than expected. Good luck in these difficult times.
.-= Jeremy´s last blog ..Da Kids =-.
Oh. Angella.
NO.
hugs, hugs, hugs, and more hugs.
thinking of you and your family right now.
.-= ali´s last blog ..GOOD THINGS. =-.
Hi Angella,
so sorry to read this blog, and that I only just caught up (it’s crazy “down” here too right now). I pray that God will give you all (and that includes your Dad) all that you’ll need out of his great riches.
My dear Dad died after 2 years with the same illness back in 1992, and my sister has been active in the Support/Research Group. Dad’s journey was not easy but we all really made every bit count. One wish was to fly up from Tasmania to see his beloved Sydney and its glorious harbour once more – so we were able to help him in that. Dad’s final exit was 100% Christian and as grand as it could have been – no pain and he was able to stay in control.
True, no 2 stories are the same, but our God is!
Angella,
I’ve been reading your blog for a while and loving it! I just wanted to say that I am so sorry to hear about your dad’s diagnosis. My husband’s grandmother passed away from ALS a couple of years ago. It is such a sad and awful disease. I wish you and your family as much strength as possible to deal with it. Apparently, there have been some new advances made in treatments…you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
.-= Emily´s last blog ..‘Tis The Season =-.