We’ve talked more frequently in the past few weeks than we normally do. It’s not as though either of us is ever at a loss for words – it’s more that we simply don’t have the time. Our days are filled with work, with family, with extra-curricular activities. Before we know it, many weeks have gone by since we last touched base. We always pick up right where we left off, as we are wont to do.
He’s been off of work for the past few weeks, so he has been more apt to pick up the phone and say hello. He, like me, is not one to sit idly by and can only do so many crossword puzzles before he needs to talk to another human being. Last week we got to talking about his leave of absence from work. He has not been in pain, per se, but has had this feeling of little shocks on his left side. As a professional bus driver, he thought it wise to take some time off of work, make a visit to his doctor and see if they could figure out what was causing the discomfort that he is in. His doctor noticed that he had lost some muscle mass on the left side of his chest and had sent him to a specialist in order to run some tests.
He told me that if the tests came back with something serious enough to keep him off of work for a longer time, then he might have to look at buying some canvases and acrylics. He used to paint, nearly forty years ago. He abandoned it along the way but it’s been simmering inside all of this time.
His doctor told him that he would get the results on Wednesday. I asked him to let me know what the outcome was and carried on with my week. I am not a worrier by nature and have never been one to spin a situation twenty different ways. Things would be great, as they always are. He would be fine, as he always is. We would be untouched by tragedy, as we always are.
Wednesday night, my phone rang. We talked about Christmas, about the stocking that his wife had knit for Emily, about the plans we had for the holidays. There was a lull in the conversation and I asked him if he had received the results.
We’ve decided not to say anything until we get a second opinion.
I told him that wasn’t fair, that I deserved to know what was going on, that I wanted to know what to pray for. Was it cancer?
It’s not cancer.
I begged, I pleaded, I cajoled. He caved and told me what was happening. I sat here, weeping, while he put a put a positive spin on it. Much like I would.
Everyone dies, sweetie. I am lucky that I have a time stamp on it; I can make the most of what I have.
Which, yes, and I get that. I do. When the time comes for me to go I am hoping that I have that extra time to hold everyone just a little bit closer. After reading up on what he has, however, I don’t know that I would pick that path to death’s door.
My Dad has ALS, which is also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. There is no known cause, and no known cure. He has two to five years to live, all of which will consist of his body degenerating.
I know that everyone dies and I know that I have been lucky in my lack of loss and I know that it could be worse somehow. But still. This is my Dad that I’m talking about.
I love you, Daddy.
86 Comments
Oh, Angella. I’m so sorry. What a horrible time of year to get news like that. Thinking of you, and keeping you – and your Dad in my prayers…
Comment by Michele on December 18th, 2009 @ 1:55 amHe called me a couple hours ago, but it’s only started to sink in now….
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Oh Angella, I’m so, so sorry. I’ve been there and it’s the pits. You’re in my thoughts.
Comment by Martha on December 18th, 2009 @ 4:05 amAngella, So sorry to hear about your Dad. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you hold each other that much closer.
Comment by Patty Rosebush on December 18th, 2009 @ 4:11 amOh Angella. I’m so very sorry.
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I’m so sorry. Thinking of you and sending prayers your way.
Comment by Julienne on December 18th, 2009 @ 6:15 amI am so sorry. That’s horrible news to receive – to a certain extent, I know what you are going through I hate to see someone go through this. You and your family (especially your dad) are in my prayers.
TUWABVB´s last blog ..We’re Finally Sleeping Together Again
I’m so sorry to hear that Ange! Thinking of you, your dad and your familiese.
Comment by Jen on December 18th, 2009 @ 6:46 amAngella, I am so, so sorry. I am thinking of you and holding your family in my thoughts.
Comment by Jen on December 18th, 2009 @ 6:47 amI am so sorry to hear about your father. May the Lord help you find comfort and strength. Your family will definitely be in my prayers.
Comment by Melissa on December 18th, 2009 @ 7:15 amI’m sorry to hear this. I pray that he will not be in pain and that he has plenty of time to finish living his life.
Comment by Teri on December 18th, 2009 @ 7:31 amOh sweetie, I am so sorry! I pray that the disease takes the least painful path as possible.
Comment by i.e. on December 18th, 2009 @ 7:35 amWorst news ever. There are no words to convey the pain of the situation. You are in my prayers.
Amanda Brown´s last blog ..It’s Only 8 Seconds Long. Humour Me.
I am so sorry to hear that. Enjoy every minute you can with him. Take lots of pictures. It sounds dumb but I love to look back at pictures of my uncle and I. I swear sometimes I can smell fresh cut grass and chlorine from the pool (smells he always had on his skin). Your kids and you deserve those memories as well.
Comment by Kate on December 18th, 2009 @ 7:59 amOh, Angella. I am so sorry. I’m glad you can both put a positive spin on things but I can only imagine how difficult it is to deal with this news. Your family is in my thoughts.
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Oh, Angella. I’m so so so sorry.
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Angella
I’m so sorry for your sudden news of your father’s health. He is very wise to get a second opinion, and as for the time stamp, I don’t know why doc’s do that…every case depends on the individual (I used to work in healthcare before my kid came).
I am a recent follower of your blog, and from what I can tell, you are a strong and resilient woman. This next stage in your life is not going to be easy, I can say that with experience as we just lost my father-in-law this last summer after a long battle with COPD. Different disease, but watching someone deteriorate is not an easy task for anyone.
I hope and pray your family will become stronger and closer at this time and that you can cherish every moment you can spare with your father. I wish I had had the chance, I lost my pop’s suddenly when I was 9.
Good luck to your family and keep your chin up
love and prayers
Karina
Oh Angella, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.
big hugs
from a fellow Canadian living in Italy
I am so sorry to hear this. I am also a daddy’s girl and can’t imagine how I would handle news like this. I am off to call my dad and will be thinking of you and yours and praying for good things.
Comment by Shelley S on December 18th, 2009 @ 9:03 amI am so sorry, Angella. I can feel your searing pain as you wrote this. There aren’t any cliches or words of wisdom that can make things right; all I can say is that your family and your Dad especially are in my prayers. And that God is on your side.
I will be praying. Hard.
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I’m so, so, so sorry Angella. Big hugs to you.
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I’m trying not to cry for you. I know what it’s like to lose a dad or to know you are going to lose them. I wish I could give you a big huge hug. I’m so sorry.
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Oh no. I’m so sorry, honey. ALS sucks the big one.
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Oh honey I’m so sorry. I wish I could give you a huge hug.
I’ll be praying for you and your whole family.
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So, so sorry to hear this.
C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..Window Washer
Oh Angella. I am so sorry. I have tears in my eyes right now. Prayers, love and hugs to you (and your Dad too).
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Oh, Angella!! I’m so, so sorry. Hugs, love.
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I am so very sorry, Angella! My dear uncle suffered and eventually passed away from ALS so I understand how devestating this is both for your dad and those who love him! There are simply no words to make it better!
Try to enjoy every moment you have with him and cherish the memories you have yet to make.
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Oh, Angella. I’m so so sorry. Big hugs to you and your family.
Comment by kakaty on December 18th, 2009 @ 10:01 amOh my. I am so sorry. That would be my worst nightmare. You are in my prayers. I am going to hug my family a little tighter tonight.
Comment by Amy on December 18th, 2009 @ 10:06 amSo scary. Praying for strength, health and love shared for your family.
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Angella, I am so so sorry that your family has received such devastating news. You are all in my thoughts.
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I’m so sorry Angella.
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I’m sorry to hear it. I know it’s tough to face that time line. A dear friend at work was diagnosed about 1.5 years ago, and it’s been heard to see a once-vibrant woman’s body turn on her. Her amazing spirit and sweet faith is still there, though, and I see the fruit of her many years of submitting to God’s will in her attitude. I pray the same for you and your family. May your father be open to God’s work in his life.
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I am so sorry, Angella. That is devastating news.
Comment by Tamara on December 18th, 2009 @ 10:55 amOh Angella, I’m so sorry. You and your dad and all your family will be in my prayers.
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I am so sorry Angella, that is heartbreaking. You and your dad are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Angella, all I can say is that I’m sorry and that, as hard as it is, remember that Jesus will be right there with you through it all. My prayers are with you and your family. I’m glad your dad is getting a second opinion. And Kate’s right: Take lots of pictures. You (and especially the kids) will be glad to have them. Sending a cyber-hug your way!
Comment by Brittany on December 18th, 2009 @ 11:29 amWith tears in my eyes, I’m so very sorry to read your sad news. I echo previous comments, take lots of pictures.
Lots of hugs.
Lee
Comment by Lee on December 18th, 2009 @ 12:48 pmI know you already know this, but I’m here for you babe, always and anytime, and you are so incredibly strong and your family will become so much stronger because of this. In the meantime, and anytime, lean on all of us. We’ll be here.
Love love love you.
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Angella, my heart is breaking for you, and I can’t stop my tears. I’m so very sorry to hear this news, and I really feel for you & Dayna (I don’t know your other family members but I feel for them too). I will pray for a miracle for your Dad. I wish I lived closer so I could give you a big hug, but I can’t … so please know how much I love you and how much I care. You know where I am if you ever need me.
Hannah´s last blog ..It’s over!*
I am shaking and crying for you. Literally. I’m so sorry Angella! Will definitely keep you extra close to my heart – and know that all of us readers (FRIENDS!) who love you will want you to spill your heart out when you feel like you need to.
xoxoxoxo
Comment by Jen Wilson on December 18th, 2009 @ 1:58 pmwhat unbearably difficult news to receive. i am sorry that you and your family are going through this.
Comment by brandon on December 18th, 2009 @ 1:59 pmI’m sending your family all the love and prayers I can. As I said on Dayna’s blog, we’re all here for you. I’m sorry.
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You are so good at putting your emotions on paper. I’m balling at your post, I feel so much, and I’m so sorry for you.
Jenn
Comment by Jenn on December 18th, 2009 @ 2:42 pmMy heart breaks for you. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. May God make His face to shine upon you and give you peace.
Comment by Bekah on December 18th, 2009 @ 2:45 pmThe title gave away “something” but I still got tears in my eyes when I read it. Hugs and prayers, there’s not much more I can offer.
Redflagdeals.com and orbitz.com sometimes have good prices…in response to your tweet.
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My dear Angella, may Christ’s peace that surpasses all understanding be with you, your family and your dad. My eyes filled with tears as I read your post. It may be helpful for you to phone Darron and Kristin Froese, their Uncle Ron passed away today after battling ALS for 13 years. They may be able to give you some information or have better words to say than I.
I love you and will be stopping to pray for you and your dad right now. God bless you and keep you in His care my beautiful friend.
Tanya
There’s not much to be said. It sucks, it’s sad and you don’t need to put a positive spin on it if you don’t want to. You are completely justified in your sadness, sorrow, fear and pain.
I am so sorry for you and your family and will pray. I DO know that God will show you things over these next years that you never could have imagined. I pray your dad sees those same things and knows Him deeply.
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Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry.
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That’s really rough, awful news. I’m thinking of you, sweetie.
Comment by Leah on December 18th, 2009 @ 7:09 pmOh Angella, I’m so very sorry. Praying for you, your Dad and all of your family as you grapple with this news.
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I am so sorry, friend. Thinking of you.
Jen the Trephinist´s last blog ..Look who’s coming to dinner.
They say trials and suffering are what God uses to develop character. As someone in the midst of this I like to joke that I hope it’s for the better not the worse…or I might turn out to be a real character! Praying for strength, peace, hope and joy in the midst of it all for you and your family.
Comment by Ruth Lepp on December 18th, 2009 @ 11:59 pmI don’t think that any words right now will be a comfort, but just know that all these people out there are thinking of you and praying for you and your family. Sending out my prayers and a big online hug to you.
Comment by Christine Spicer on December 19th, 2009 @ 8:33 amThere is very little I could say that would make anything any better, I know this. I am so sorry that this is happening to your family, to your father.
They are making amazing strides in ALS treatments, and the two- to five-year window has been extended significantly in MANY patients, so the window they gave you upsets me greatly on your behalf.
I will pray for strength and love for all of you.
jonniker´s last blog ..Shock the Monkey
Angella,
We’ve been through this (not ALS) but, the time stamp on a loved one’s life.
I know that words are nice but, there’s nothing that makes it better.
My prayers for y’all.
I’m always here.
always.
Love you friend.
rachel-asouthernfairytale´s last blog ..Oreo Truffles
So very sorry Angela.
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My prayers are with you. I’ve never been close to my dad (parents divorced when I was 6, dad moved out of province to avoid paying child support, lived with my mom and saw my dad once or twice a year). He just called me this morning to say he’s coming for Christmas dinner and I was upset. Mom should get this time with us, not him. I have been struggling these past few years to forgive my dad…I want so badly to, but I just can’t find it in myself to forgive his lack of involvement in my life for the last 23 years. However, your post just made me realize that life is too short. That he is my dad. That he is my son’s grandpa (and he’s making an effort to be part of his life). That one day he will be gone and I might realize that it’s too late. Thank you for opening my eyes and my heart. I am so sorry to read of your sad news. Sending peace and love.
Comment by Captam on December 19th, 2009 @ 1:11 pm(((hugs))) I am praying for you all.
If you ever need an ear or shoulder i am here. My dad has been gone for 6 years this coming Jan 2nd. I am thankful for the time I had with him and glad that my girls got to know him. To see him with his grandchildren would always melt my heart. he was a hard working guy that was such a softie with the kids.
Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..You Capture-Holiday Decorations
I’m so sorry, Angella. What an cruel diagnosis for someone you love so very much. Please keep us posted on your dear father.
Comment by Ninabi on December 19th, 2009 @ 5:10 pmI don’t have good enough words to write, but know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
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I love you!!! Praying hard.
Hannah´s last blog ..It’s over!*
Angella, I rarely comment, but I just wanted to let you know I’m sad for you and your whole family. There just seems to be so much sadness this Christmas season. It seems so wrong, but then God reminds me that he came to bring light to the darkness. May his light be real to you these days.
Comment by Pauline on December 20th, 2009 @ 6:11 amAngella,
Wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and your family. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers. May your faith in God bring you the strength you need.
Comment by Holli on December 20th, 2009 @ 9:55 amYou and your dad and your family are in my thoughts, Angella.
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I am so, so sorry. I will be praying.
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Angella, I’m so, so sorry. I will pray for you, for him, for all of your family as you wade through so much in the coming weeks.
Comment by JenniferB on December 20th, 2009 @ 7:25 pmOh Angella, I am so sorry for your Dad and of course for you too. {{HUGS}}
kim @ mommyknows´s last blog ..The House that …
I am so sorry. So sorry.
Thoughts and prayers headed in your direction.
Angela´s last blog ..Ode to John Green, who was stabbed by thugs one week ago tonight.
ohh what terrible news for your dad…how frightening.
A neighbour has it and is beating the time line with lots of holistic and naturapathic medicines but is still in a wheelchair now which really sucks.
Courage to you all
Crunchy´s last blog ..Christmas is Coming…
Oh Angella. I’m so sorry.
joyce´s last blog ..Dirty laundry
What sad news, Angella. I’m thinking of you and your family, and sending out hopes and wishes and light for the next while to be full of exactly whatever your dad needs to feel comfortable and fulfilled – resources, support, adventures of all kinds, and of course, love.
sweetsalty kate´s last blog ..prayer of a babylost parent
I’m so sorry to hear this Angella. As I’ve already told you, I’m hear for WHATEVER you need – laughs, a virtual shoulder to cry on, you name it.
Love you!
Kristabella´s last blog ..Groundhog Day
Ugh. Hope he can live well, and longer than expected. Good luck in these difficult times.
Jeremy´s last blog ..Da Kids
Oh. Angella.
NO.
hugs, hugs, hugs, and more hugs.
thinking of you and your family right now.
ali´s last blog ..GOOD THINGS.
Hi Angella,
so sorry to read this blog, and that I only just caught up (it’s crazy “down” here too right now). I pray that God will give you all (and that includes your Dad) all that you’ll need out of his great riches.
My dear Dad died after 2 years with the same illness back in 1992, and my sister has been active in the Support/Research Group. Dad’s journey was not easy but we all really made every bit count. One wish was to fly up from Tasmania to see his beloved Sydney and its glorious harbour once more – so we were able to help him in that. Dad’s final exit was 100% Christian and as grand as it could have been – no pain and he was able to stay in control.
True, no 2 stories are the same, but our God is!
Angella,
I’ve been reading your blog for a while and loving it! I just wanted to say that I am so sorry to hear about your dad’s diagnosis. My husband’s grandmother passed away from ALS a couple of years ago. It is such a sad and awful disease. I wish you and your family as much strength as possible to deal with it. Apparently, there have been some new advances made in treatments…you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Emily´s last blog ..‘Tis The Season
Amanda Reply:
December 18th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Sorry, meant flightnetwork.com, not redflagdeals.
Air Canada is cheapest from NZ based on a search I just ran (and only has one stop).
WestJet seems to be cheapest from ON.
Hope you all get some time together.
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