Before I ever had kids (also known as The Time I Knew Everything About Parenting), I was certain that I would have four children of my own. My Dad and Step Mom (the woman I call Mom) had four kids, all two school grades apart. I lived with them from the time the oldest was a year old and I was a pseudo parent to them. I changed diapers (we no longer talk about that), I helped with bedtime and I played on the floor with them. Four kids was the perfect family formula!
When Matthew and I got married, I told him that I thought having four kids was ideal. He came from a family of three kids, and said he would commit to having two kids. Maybe three. I thought that I would woo him to the idea of having four children once we had two or three of the amazing little buggers.
We had Graham, our first born child, eleven month after losing our very first baby. Graham was (and is) a cherub. Big blue eyes and curly blonde hair and a smile that lights up the entire house. He was such a ‘good baby’ (and is such a ‘good kid’) that we went forth with the plan to have another child. As he is a December baby, we thought we should get going on the procreation train pretty quick in order to have our kids fit into our dream of being two school years apart.
On the morning of Graham’s first birthday, I took a pregnancy test (Read: peed on a stick) and the result was a strong positive. We didn’t tell Graham because, 1. It was HIS BIRTHDAY and, 2. He was one; his vocabulary was a little lacking. Instead, we opened presents and ate cake.
Eight months later, almost to the day, Nathan arrived into the world. He was long and skinny, whereas his brother had been long and … cherubic. He had a full head of brown hair, whereas his brother had been bald, with hints of blonde peach fuzz. He was the spitting image of his dad (Which was kind of awkward when it came to breastfeeding, to be honest), whereas his brother looked so much like my side of the family. Two boys, twenty months apart. Both from the same gene pool, both perfectly formed, and yet so completely different. Genetics are fascinating.
In those first few weeks of having a newborn — and a twenty-month-old — I thought that maybe two kids was my limit. I remember sitting with Matthew, Graham asleep in his room and Nathan sleeping on his Dad’s chest on the couch. I suggested that maybe we were done. Matthew was (also sleep-deprived, as he would take one feeding in the night to give me a longer stretch of sleep) in agreement that this might be it. We didn’t take any ‘permanent measures’, because nothing was definite.
Shortly after Nathan’s first birthday I felt like I wanted one more baby. One more, be it a boy or a girl. I brought this up with Matthew and he said that he had been thinking the same. Soon, we were pregnant. Again (Fertility has never been an issue for us).
The third pregnancy brought on so much more public commentary than I had been subject to when I was pregnant with the first two. (Though one woman stopped me in a mall parking lot when I was eight months pregnant with Nathan to tell me that I looked AMAZING. God bless her.) Being pregnant with a third child, with two kids under the age of three in tow, garnered me some hilarious comments, with ‘You’re going to be BUSY’ being the frontrunner. People do love to state the obvious.
People assumed that I was trying for a girl. Did I want a girl? Of course. I’ve yet to meet a parent who didn’t want a child who shares their same sex, their same wiring, their same … plumbing. Oh, I wanted a girl. I’d always wanted a girl. Someone to share girl-related problems with, share clothes with, drive my husband crazy together with. But ‘trying for a girl’ makes as much sense as ‘trying for a puppy.’ We were ‘trying for a third, healthy, baby.’
I was pretty sure that we’d have a third boy, though part of me wondered if it was possibly a girl. I honestly had no idea who we’d meet after labor. My Doctor had two boys and two girls, and was rooting for a girl for me. My nurse had three girls, and suggested I would probably have a third boy. And then before I knew it, they both screamed ‘IT’S A GIRL!‘ I’ve ended up with my dream set of kids. An older brother (well, two) to watch the younger sister and kids so close in age that they have built-in playmates. (Yes, they bicker, but nothing horrendous.)(Not bragging, just THANKFUL.)
Three kids is the magic number for us. For now. I have no desire to be pregnant again, and Matthew has had The Procedure, but we’ve always been open to adopting. We have friends who’ve adopted internationally, and friends who’ve adopted within Canada. I’d prefer the latter, one day, but we’ll see how it all pans out.
I’d love to hear your story about your kids, dreams and realities, if you want to share.
Comments:
We never really knew how many kids we wanted before we started our family. After Ethan was born, we knew we would have at least one more. And while I was pregnant with Tyler, we still didn’t know if he would be our last or if we would have one more. As soon as he was born, Rob and I both looked at each other and we just knew that our family was complete. Both of us had the exact same feeling at the same time, and it was a perfect way to come to that decision. He had The Procedure a couple of years later, and we are happy with our 2 boys. There have been funny little moments over past 5 years or so where I have wondered what it would be like to have a girl. But in the same way that many couples wonder what it would be like to have more children – who would they be? Would they be similar to children they already had, or completely different? How many different combinations of 2 people’s DNA could there be? You know, those Questions of the Universe. We’ve never talked about adoption, I don’t particularly feel that we have a heart for that, but I am sure looking forward to being a grandmother. I know how much my mother enjoys it, and it would be so cool to experience that. Thankfully I have a good 15-20 years before that is likely to come to pass!!
We always knew we wanted at least two. After our second my hubby was definitely done. Hence, I was never given an option for more. I think I might have wanted a third but am honestly not sure if it’s because I wasn’t allowed or truly wanted anothe. It took two years to fully accept that. Now I am perfectly content with my two awesome kids!
ooohhhh i sit and read this as my not so little girl (4) is screaming madness up in her room.
so now is a good time to say zero.
all honesty, though, zero was a great number for me for many years. it was a very weird awakening to realize that just because i am a girl, i didn’t HAVE to want kids. i wrote a lot about this on my own blog & the decisions that came to be.
the shorter version is that knowing The Mr. was accepting my decision graciously to not have kids, i continually (and obsessively) thought about my decision as it related to him/us. i finally decided that yes. let’s try this thing. so, as was planned, 1.5 years later we were pregnant & we now have our 4yo daughter. (who is still screaming in her room) (and spent the first 4 months of her life in the exact same way– well, not in her room)
while i was pregnant, we kinda thought it’d be our only child. just b/c i couldn’t fathom dealing with a toddler and being pregnant. i was pretty positive that since this pregnancy went well, others would SUCK as i expected, and i wouldn’t know how to cope.
then she was born. dramatic.
then she existed. dramatic. hell. some sweetness (finally). dramatic. traumatic. etc.
we are fully comfortable w/ our decision that i got snipped shortly before she turned 2.
As you know, I have the same arrangement as you do, although my kids are farther apart in age. And K was a BIG surprise (although we’ve never had fertility issues either!!!).
I was really hoping for a girl as well the third time around but since there are SO many boys on both sides of the family I just assumed we would have three and I was fine with that. I admit I was a bit shocked when the sonogram was most definitely GIRL.
In a good way of course. And in a way, I felt like I knew it all along but just didn’t want to “get my hopes” up. I wanted a girl so I could have that mother/daughter connection and to experience both genders. Plus, I knew there would be no more kids for us…
Three is definitely the best number for us. And I’m quite happy to be out of the baby stage. Now if I could just get her out of diapers!
We don’t know how many kids we want yet. We agreed that we want at least two but are willing to go for three or four depending on how the first couple go. Basically we’ll play it by ear. I have one sibling and my husband has three. His family is significantly larger and used to more children than mine (his dad is one of 8). Only time will tell.
It’s funny, I just recently decided that two is good for us. My husband was firm that two was the maximum but since my second daughter was just so EASY, I started longing for a third. Like really talking myself into it! Yeah, we’ll have to move house and get a new car but that’s OK! Another baby!
Then we went to visit family in New York City, one of my most favourite places in the whole wide world, and I WAS CURED. My girls are almost 5 and 1 and it’s perfect. We are not out of the baby phase yet but I can see the light at the end of the “no life” tunnel. And I like it here!
But if we win the lottery next week, I would have two more. Something about four kids fascinates me, too.
One is the perfect number for me! I’m a single parent and I appreciate having man-on-man coverage. (He’s 16 so it’s not like I’m chasing a toddler but I’m finding that teenagers are much like toddlers, they just eat more and don’t need diapers changed) (And have to be CONSTANTLY monitored, holy heck)
I’m lucky to have plenty of nieces and nephews to love on and enjoy.
We’re all over the place. I used to say I wanted at least 2. Shawn always said he’d be happy with 1. When G was a screamy screamy newborn I decided I was done (ha! Great time to be making important decisions, yes?) Now that he’s a kid – a cool, funny, loving kid – I kind of want another. Fortunately Shawn agrees that we should give G a built in playmate
I think we’ll try for another but not for a while. A long while. As much as I love the idea of my kids being close in age, we just can’t go through it all again so soon. The battle scars are still a bit too fresh.
We are so in the boat of being done with pregnancy. It’s a known fact that I pretty much suck at it – my body is anti-pregnancy. That and until I know that what’s happening to Audrey isn’t “my” fault I can’t do it again. However my heart longs for more children. Each day that passes and new milestone (Loose Teeth! Kindergarten! Reading!) makes me realize soon they will be grown and gone, which leaves me wanting more. Corey and I believe firmly that God is guiding that part of lives just like the rest and if there is a baby for us it will come about when His timing is right.
ps. If your friend that adopted in Canada has a blog or would be open to sharing their story/information we would LOVE to hear it!
Our last one was a total accident. I’m glad.
I wanted more, 1 or 2, but age, finances, and “other” circumstances have conspired against us so we have two awesome kids. I often wonder how much more awesomeness we could have brought into the world.
First child was a boy. When I was pg w/ the second, my head told me all along that I was having another boy. Then around midway through my 2nd trimester, I started to get feelings in my heart, that I would be having a girl. So my head and my heart wrestled until my OB spilled the beans that we were having a girl. Which is a whole story in itself.
I am so grateful that we have one of each, and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
Still kind of have baby fever when I see a pregnant lady at church. Sigh….
I always thought four kids… that was before I had kids!
Two kids to me now seems perfect, and I feel and know our family is complete. However, of course there are those days when I have a tiny urge to try for another baby… but it usually passes quickly. I worry too much… and things just seem… great as they are right now. My sister wants a third, though! She had her two babies back-to-back!
Growing up, I always thought I’d have 3 or 4. But after my second was born when I was 34, I knew I didn’t have it in me to have more than two. Our first was a LOT of work as a baby, our second slid into the family like he’d always been around. I’m thrilled with two! I’d love the chance to have another birth experience, but without the 9 months that go before it, and all the sleepless nights that come after it!
I didn’t plan on having kids. I didn’t plan on not having kids, either, but my first one happened long before the idea of kids even crossed my mind. After her, there was no way I wanted another kid until I was MARRIED and with someone who ACTUALLY WANTED a kid.
When Noah and I got married, he was totally fine with just having Kaylie. But I wanted one that was ours. Someone who shared DNA with the three of us, someone to connect us. But I did NOT want another unwanted/unexpected pregnancy. But I got one. And I was OVER THE MOON. Noah was not. It was hell. It was the exact opposite of what I wanted and what I imagined having a second child would be like. But, but the time 10 CENTIMETRES! was yelled, Noah was stoked and it was all sunshine and rainbows. (Or something.)
I was DONE. I did not want another “oh crap” kind of reaction to my being pregnant. No, thank you. I could not take any more shame or blame (even though it was NOT MY FAULT.)(Or, it was only HALF my fault.) But, then Noah and I went through hell and on the other side of hell he said, “I think we should have another kid. Five minutes later we were pregnant. Nine months AND ELEVEN DAYS later, Preston was born.
I also had people saying, “Oh, are you hoping for a boy?” OH SHUT UP. Of course my husband was hoping for a boy (but would have been happy with a girl), and I thought it would be neat to have a boy, but, like you, I wanted a third HEALTHY BABY. Boy or girl, I didn’t care.
And oh, look! I wrote a blog post-sized comment. Sorry about that.
(Although I did know that I did NOT want four kids. I grew up with four kids and there was SO MUCH FIGHTING AND CONFLICT and I did not want that. Obviously that has more to do with parenting than the number of kids, but four was the NO WAY NO HOW number.)(But now I spend most of my days with four kids and think it’s quite wonderful.)(When nobody is screaming at me.)(I’LL SHUT UP NOW.)
I’m one of 4; my husband is one of 2. Three was a good compromise for us. After having done fertility for the first two, we assumed it wouldn’t happen naturally and that we could plan for a third, sometime down the road. So it was a SHOCK! that I became pregnant immediately after #2′s delivery, pretty much. (They are 12-1/2 months apart…) I didn’t find out what I was having for the first two, but with the HOLY CRAP MOMENT of #3, we wanted to know the sex. I am pretty much resigned to the fact that if we had even more, that I would have ALL BOYS! I never got my Lydia…