It’s perfectly fitting (and a little ironic)(Or maybe not because I’m Canadian, as is Alanis, and she didn’t know the definition of irony) that the day after I posted that you do what you love, I boarded a flight to Portland. You may remember that for Christmas, Matthew surprised me with a trip to see Kerri. It was completely unexpected, I was utterly shocked and, well, my mind was a little blown.

The irony/relatedness to my last post is that I was being sent on a trip to stay with someone that I first met through my site but has since become one of my heart friends in “real life”. I think it’s time that I ditch those quotes.

***

On Thursday night I arrived home after work and participated in our new nightly routine where the kids do a dog pile on Mommy when I walk through the door. This lasts pretty consistently until bedtime. Have you ever tried to walk around the house with children the clinging to your appendages? It’s difficult but it’s also a good workout, so at least there’s that.

The first few days back to work have been fine and good and awesome. I’m getting into the groove. We’re getting into the groove. The kids have taken to cramming their day’s worth of love and hugs into the two-hour window between my return home and their bedtime. It’s a little overwhelming but when your child looks at you with those big eyes full of love and asks if they can have a hug, saying no just isn’t an option. Even if you’ve given five hugs in the last twenty minutes. They constantly tell me how much they miss me and how much they love me and how much they wish I were HOME and, GAH. Killing me a little, even though I know that they’re fine and that Daddy is amazing. We’re in the adjustment phase and while I know this in my head, my heart hurts a little. Or a lot.

When the kids were in bed on Thursday night I tried to finish my packing but was overcome with tears. What kind of Mom leaves their kids the same week that they return to work full-time? A Mom who SUCKS, that’s who. I poured it all out to Matthew while doing the snotty/hiccup-y cry and he heard me out. He then reminded me that this was all his idea. The kids would be fine. He would be fine. He wanted to do this for me and he thought that I deserved it.

To do so with a heavy heart would be disrespectful to the man who made this happen. I set out with a happy heart instead.

***

There’s something that’s been in the back of my mind for a long time and I’ve been meaning to explore it. The whole gist of it has to do with the question of who I am. It might not be a question, but more of an exploration.

At the core, I am Angella. I am full of love and full of faith and full of fire and full of all that makes me me. That core may be whittled and shaped over the years but the center is solid. It makes up how I think, how I relate, how I am. It’s the outer extremities that stir things up and flesh out my being. There’s the Angella who is a wife and the Angella who is a Mom and the Angella who is an employee and the Angella who is a friend…

In the past few years I have been given the gift of exploring the extremities of me that are different from the Wife and the Mom extremities. I have a core group of girls at home who know my heart, who love me fully and who can get me into the silent laughter. I have been doubly blessed in that I have found another group of these friends who just happen to live nowhere near me. I don’t feel that exploring these other variations of me detract from my other roles. Instead, it seems to make them burn brighter somehow. It’s similar to how with each kid that you have, your heart grows that much bigger. By stretching the muscles in those long-forgotten corners of myself, I somehow come out the other side an even fuller version of me than I ever was before.

***

My weekend in Portland was nothing short of amazing for a hundred different reasons. I missed my family like mad but being in a different city (and a different country) makes the heartache a little bit duller. My days were filled with inaugural experiences (Trader Joe’s!), long talks about everything and nothing and more belly laughs that I can count. The only downside to the weekend is that I have no idea how to sum it up here in any way that will give it justice. I’ve posted some of the stories in the Flickr set so you might want to check those out if you want a glimpse into The Awesome. Here are a couple of my favorites:

(Click on them to read the stories (and comments)).

Kerri’s Flickr set is here and my set from our trip to the Chinese Gardens is here.

I don’t know how to wrap this up except to say that despite a few late nights in a row, I came home feeling refreshed. I’ve had time away from the every day to not just have a good time, but to work through some things on my head and get focused for the year before me. For a myriad of reasons I am nearly bursting with excitement for 2010. Kerri sent me an email that has a line in it which sums up how I’m feeling:

I am just as excited for your year, and all of the amazing things you are going to do and see and feel, and all of the ways you are going to surprise yourself with your own inherent radness.

I hope all of you reading also surprise yourselves with your inherent radness. It’s going to be a great year, folks. I can feel it.

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