Flower

I hate to beat a dead horse (Truly. Because how cruel would that be?) but I am being sucked into the undertow with all of the work that I have going on right now. I keep vacillating between the comfort that I am able to provide for my family and the frustration that I am not able to provide for me.

There were so many years where I reveled in my career and where it took me. At how much I had accomplished at a young age. I worked hard for the initials that I get to throw behind my name and take great pride in the doors they have opened, the opportunities they have given me, the salary they allow they me to earn. Who doesn’t like to make a good income?

In the past few years I have broken out of my analytical cocoon to embrace the creative side of myself. I take a plethora of photographs, I write words both online and on paper. I kept a daily journal for the first twenty-five years of my life and while the online forum has been nothing short of phenomenal, I have loved getting back to my roots and putting the pen to paper. There is something about a really great pen coupled with the smell of paper that makes my heart do a little skip.

The recent mixture of overworked exhaustion and fall melancholy has had my panties all tied up in a knot.

Am I glad that I can provide for my family in this economy? Yes.

Does spending hours doing work that is completely business and absolutely not creative make me happy? Not so much.

If you were to ask me what makes me happy I would not hesitate to respond with my truth: Taking and editing photos and writing down the words that bounce between my ears. However. Does shooting my camera and throwing my words down pay our monthly bills? A big, fat, NO.

The thing is, I really do not care if photos and words pay the bills. They are a part of me and a means for me to express myself. The work that I do is a means to provide for my family, yes, but it also allows me to buy the equipment I need to allow me to be creative. I “get to” exercise my analytical side for work which then allows me the freedom to exercise my creativity in my free time.

However.

That free time has been elusive.

I tell myself that I will do what I love when work is done. I then have one more email to answer, one more report to write, one more exercise to review. Before I know it it is far past my bedtime and my eyes will no longer stay open. I go to bed with a heavy heart and a head full of words that are fighting to be released. They bounce up, down, side to side and have nowhere to go.

Days upon days go by and the words keep building. I pick up my camera and realize that she hasn’t been fired in seven days. Part of me is relieved because I do not have the time to deal with her photo babies but a larger part of me is sad because how did I let seven days go by?

I know in my head that the words and the photos need to wait, just as I myself need to wait.

I don’t want to wait.

So here I sit.

Working, waiting, wondering.

Where do I go from here?

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Comments:

  1. Loralee September 23, 2009 12:24 am edit

    I have to believe that like everything, this is something that is cyclic. That you WILL have more free time. It just seems like how life goes.
    .-= Loralee´s last blog ..A letter on a day that never, ever gets easier. =-.

    1. angella September 23, 2009 12:03 pm edit

      I have a week left on this contract and then two weeks “off.” Can’t. Wait.

  2. Avitable September 23, 2009 7:25 am edit

    Without a doubt, just like you might schedule other things, you need to schedule some time for yourself. Even if it’s a lunch break or an hour three nights a week, you need to give yourself some time to be you.
    .-= Avitable´s last blog ..If Avitable loses his beard and nobody’s there, is he still Avitable? =-.

    1. angella September 23, 2009 12:05 pm edit

      I know that. I do. I take time to go to the gym/work out every day, which I guess counts as “me” time (and also keeps my head sane). I just need to get better and defining the boundaries between work and life.

  3. Elizabeth September 23, 2009 8:12 am edit

    Hang in there. My Mom likes to say: “This, too, shall pass.” And, while I feel like a butt serving out “advice” that I, myself, should take on many many days… maybe it helps a tiny bit? Who knows, but enjoy the ride anyhow.
    .-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..She’s a Natural =-.

  4. jana September 23, 2009 9:09 am edit

    So I’ve been reading here for awhile and I’m pretty sure you mark CASB assignments. Just wanted you to know that, when I read about your marking, I feel your pain. My husband in is MOD II. It’s a real bugger, plain and simple. it’s a lot work balancing his articling, CASB assignments and of course, me and our family and friends. But Oct 2 is coming right? Then a little break? Hang in there.

  5. Miss Grace September 23, 2009 9:17 am edit

    Sometimes it’s impossible to make time for yourself, especially when it’s taking time away from something else. But you have to try.
    .-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..Don’t trust me with a camera…. =-.

    1. angella September 23, 2009 12:06 pm edit

      I really do. Thanks, Grace.

  6. hillary September 23, 2009 9:19 am edit

    being a grown up suuuucks sometimes :)

    I hope you find some time for yourself soon; it is very easy to quickly become burnt out.
    .-= hillary´s last blog ..Just Shots Of Light And Broken Bike To Stimulate Your Busy Head =-.

    1. angella September 23, 2009 12:07 pm edit

      It is. And I seem to do it to myself on a regular basis. Le sigh.

  7. sizzle September 23, 2009 9:32 am edit

    This is the pattern of the worn down. I fall prey to it too. But we have to prioritize what fills us up with goodness. WE HAVE TO. What’s the point of living without it?
    .-= sizzle´s last blog ..All the titles I can think of for this post are gross. =-.

    1. angella September 23, 2009 12:07 pm edit

      “What’s the point of living without it?”

      WORD, my friend.

  8. Heather @ Domestic Extraordinaire September 23, 2009 9:39 am edit

    I agree with Avitable, scheduling some time to yourself, even if its in 15 minute increments here or there does wonders for your mind & heart.

  9. Kerri Anne September 23, 2009 9:57 am edit

    I second Avitable, re: scheduling time for YOU. You are such a detail-orientated person, maybe that would help, to see your! name, and something you! want to do on a list of “Things to do today.”

    xoxo
    .-= Kerri Anne´s last blog ..Kerri Below =-.

    1. angella September 23, 2009 12:08 pm edit

      Pencil myself in!

      Best. Idea. Ever.

  10. Nicole September 23, 2009 10:03 am edit

    Pay bills, yes. BUT, I have a friend who is a nurse in palliative care and this is what she once told me and it has totally changed my priorities. “Nobody I ever speak to says they wish they had worked more.” It’s ALL about balance, for certain, but remember that what doesn’t get done today, CAN get done tomorrow. So maybe end the day an hour earlier to do something YOU LOVE or spend time with the people YOU LOVE, because work will never give you back near as much as the people and things YOU LOVE – not even in money – even with these economic times.
    .-= Nicole´s last blog ..TV land =-.

    1. angella September 23, 2009 12:09 pm edit

      I know this in my head, and preach it to others, but fail to follow through on it. I need to step up (for myself) and just do it. Thank you.

  11. Jen September 23, 2009 11:09 am edit

    I totally get that. And I hate it. It also makes me envy other moms who have an abundance of time to fill with photos and writing an never have to worry about bringing in an income. IT MUST BE NICE.

    But, like we’ve talked about before, there are pros and cons.

    A friend I just talked to gave me some tough love that I really needed. Something like, this is a season of life, and it sucks. But, you just need to accept that it’s going to suck and do the best you can to get through it. I liked that. She’s a no-nonsense kind of lady, and I really appreciated that instead of the pat on the back and “Everything will be fine” that I got from everyone else.

    Just think about your up-coming family vacation and all the time that you get to spend with your beautiful family! Until then, feel free to vent. It’s what we’re here for :)
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..happy joy =-.

  12. Hannah September 23, 2009 1:14 pm edit

    I used to feel like this, too. But I learned that I needed to prioritise time for myself. Work will still be there, it won’t go away (unfortunately). So I make sure I carve out time for my hobbies, friends, church, husband, wellbeing, etc. Sometimes, just knowing that I have a date with my hubby (or my craft knife, or my daily devotional) is enough to give me that extra boost of energy/enthusiasm/motivation and I end up finishing my work quicker than normal. When the work day/hours drag on forever, with no end in sight (ie. nothing to look forward to), it’s easy to lose productivity without even realising it. Well, that’s what I’ve found, anyway.
    .-= Hannah´s last blog ..Five =-.

  13. Art Doctor September 24, 2009 5:06 pm edit

    The photo of the flower is beautiful. Did you take it? What kind? Columbine? Bachelor button?
    .-= Art Doctor´s last blog ..Fight, Flight, or Freeze, and vicarious traumatization. =-.

  14. HoboBaby September 24, 2009 6:43 pm edit

    I’m feeling it too. I work nights so that I can see Avelyn in the daytime but I am stretched to the limit these days. Flu season came early, and the pediatric ER is always full. I am exhausted on my days off, and spend all my excess energy with Avelyn, trying to make the moments count. I hope one day she will remember and know that I worked hard to provide for our family, at a job I loved, and I played even harder with her at home. Finding time for ourselves is something us working moms need to do I guess. I know it will only make us better mothers to our children.
    .-= HoboBaby´s last blog ..It’s the little things =-.

  15. Jenn September 27, 2009 9:34 am edit

    What a great post, I think it’s something we all struggle with… balance.

    Jenn
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..30th Birthday Celbrations =-.

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