The alarm rings at 6 a.m. and I lay there and wish I could linger yet I know I don’t have the time to linger but sometimes I do linger, for a minute or two. Then I sit up, pause for a minute, and launch myself upright. I rub my eyes while making my way to my closet in order to shed my night clothes for my day clothes. I make my way to the kids’ bathroom (not my en suite – one of us adult-types deserves to sleep past 6) and start the morning ritual of putting lotion where lotion is needed and applying spackle and splatter and shadow and liner and the hopes that I can turn my zombie face into a human face.
Graham wakes up every morning that I have to work and keeps me company. On my days off the dude can sleep until almost 8 but on the days that I work (six of them, right now) he sits on the closed toilet seat and watches me get ready and asks me what I am doing, exactly, and tells me about his upcoming day and tells me that he hopes I have a great day. We make our way downstairs and I pop toast into the toaster oven for him and oatmeal in the microwave for me and then we hear the drawers in his room opening and closing. We know that Nathan is awake and soon he appears, full of hugs and that sleepy warmth and I cut him a piece of homemade granola bar and they start to eat and I shush them because Daddy and Emily are sleeping and we talk about what we have that day and I shush them again because Daddy and Emily are sleeping.
I pack up my lunch and I fill up my travel mug and I hug and kiss Nathan and I hug and kiss Graham and I hug and kiss Nathan, again, because he is Nathan and he needs more hugs and kisses than anyone on the planet and I will never deny him, ever.
I fire up the truck and plug in my phone and back out, turn around and make my way down our drive. Ten minutes of mountain driving, five minutes of valley driving and ten minutes of lakeside highway driving and before I know it, I am at my destination. I use my key to get in the back door, drop my lunch in the fridge and make my way to my office. Head down, plowing through the plethora of files on my desk, interspersed with lunch and camaraderie and then it is the end of the day. I do my commute in reverse, stopping along the way to pick up kids or groceries or mail, depending on the day.
There is supper, almost always home cooked by Matthew or myself and then clean-up and play time and packing lunches and bedtime snack and bath time and then, and then. Bedtime. Snuggles and cuddles and prayers and rubbing backs and sometimes, me falling asleep next to my baby girl. Then there is more work and laundry and maybe, maybe a show or a book for a few minutes and then it is time to go to bed because tomorrow always comes. Tomorrow, holding the same as today held with maybe a bit more, but almost never a bit less.
It is good and it is full and nothing is wrong but nothing is exactly right. There is something missing. There is a lot missing. It could be better. It needs to be better. It needs to be. I’m working towards a change but like a lot of things in life, it’s not getting here as fast as I’d like it to.
Your kids sound precious. I love that Graham keeps you company every morning and that Nathan wants lots of extra cuddles. I hope my kids are that loving and affectionate one day.
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I too hope my kids are as sweet one day. (But probably not in the mornings. They are MY kids after all.) Also, the suspense is killing me!
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The in between time (between feeling off and knowing what direction you are headed so there is change ahead) is a rough spot. But at least you know something needs to shift. That awareness is key! I suppose all we can do in the in between is take the small magical moments for what they are as we wait for the big ones.
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While the topic makes me a bit sad, the writing here is just simply beautiful. I felt your emotions. I got your emotions.
That, my friend, is something wonderful.
Hugs and great big hurry up wishes for the changes you are hoping for!
xoxoxxo
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I love the part about Graham keeping you company while you get ready. That’s so very sweet! Reminds me of how Rowan always wants to know “what are doing, Mama?” when I’m putting in my contacts, applying mascara or blushing up my cheeks.
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Change is on the horizon. Even if it’s just a speck in the distance, it’s there, slowly making its way to you. The grind is difficult and defeating sometimes. But you’re rocking it, lady. Big hugs. xo
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At least busy season will be over soon. 11 days and counting.
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I am an example that things can change, and will change, for the better. I was stuck in the wrong job, wrong place, for far too long. Finally, years later, I’ve gotten to the right place. It’s awesome when you get here. And you’ll get here. I know you will!
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The thing about taxes is they have a deadline. Weeee!
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I just have to say, I absolutely love that GRaham sits and keeps you company while you get ready. It’s ridiculously sweet.
I hope that EXACTLY RIGHT comes soon for you, lady.
xoxo
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I loved this post. I loved getting to see a typical day through your eyes. And there is so much beauty. So much LOVE.
I also love that Nathan needs more hugs than the average bear. I get that. And I wish I were closer to help with the hugging.
Here’s to waiting on the Lord. Even when it’s hard. Even when it sucks. Because something Amazing is on the horizon, I know it. (For you AND for me.) Even if it’s taking its sweet time to arrive.
Love you, babe.
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Wash and repeat.
Hugs!
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