Day 17: Water. It's not exactly beach weather.

I’ve talked a lot this fall and winter about how I thought I had finally beaten the S.A.D. monster. I ramped up my vitamins, I’m exercising at least five days a week, and we’ve taken up skiing. That, there, has been HUGE. Being above the clouds, in the sunshine and fresh air, exercising (my demons) all day long. Throw in a birthday weekend full of happy kids, good food, and beautiful friends, and I thought I had January beat.

Then Monday came along.

(Cue DJ, scratching a needle across a record and then, complete silence.)

I hit a perfect storm on Monday morning which saw me crashing from the birthday high, with a nauseous stomach that wasn’t stress-related, complete with a number of things on my mind that are stress-related, and trying to battle this after a horrible nights’ sleep. I got the kids to school, crawled back into bed, and thought that I’d wake up with a bit of clarity. I thought wrong.

I woke up, still nauseous but at a manageable level, and read for a bit. I made my way downstairs, had some tea and a snack, and thought I’d do some work. I opened my laptop and just … blinked. For minutes. Maybe I should read some more? I read for another hour or so, sat back in front of my laptop and found myself physically unable to do anything. I had never felt this way before. I always have thirty (thousand) things to do and idle time is not something that happens often, if ever. My reading time is grabbed in small portions as we drive up to the ski hill or a few moments before bed or while waiting for an appointment. If I have hours alone, I will work or edit/upload photos, or write, or just DO something. I was home alone, I didn’t have my head in the toilet, and here I was feeling like my arms were dead weights and my head was a London fog.

I read some more. I tried to work/write/engage in some way a few times, but every time I hit a wall.

I can’t do this.

I felt powerless, which made me equal parts frustrated and apathetic. I talked to Matthew and told him how I was feeling. About how sad I was feeling, too, which is the sum of some things I can’t talk about yet and a hundred other things. He told me that it’s OK to have bad days, and it’s OK to have sad days. And then I cried.

The afternoon got better, especially once the kids were home, but I felt quiet. I still feel quiet. I haven’t felt as I did Monday morning, and I hope I don’t again, because that was a first for me and I didn’t like it. I can’t even blame any of it on raging female hormones, which made it all the more odd for me.

I hope that it was January’s last attempt to get me down and while she succeeded for a day (or three), I’d appreciate it if she exited quietly. I have a life to live.

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Comments:

  1. Amanda Brown January 26, 2012 9:14 am edit

    That sounds so rough. This January has totally kicked me to the curb, too, if it’s any consolation (I know it’s not really). I hope the sadness quickly passes and morphs into hope for you. Spring will be here soon, right?!

    1. angella January 27, 2012 11:34 am edit

      IT BETTER BE. :)

  2. Kami January 26, 2012 9:27 am edit

    Hugs, my friend! It sounds to me, like you handled it the best way, let it out and then kick it to the curb the best you can. You are right, you have a life to live!

    xoxoxox

    1. angella January 27, 2012 11:34 am edit

      Amen! xox back atcha. :)

  3. Kerri Anne January 26, 2012 9:48 am edit

    I’m sorry to hear January has been being a particularly heinous sort of wench to you, babe. January has not been being particularly kind to me, nor to many others it seems. On the plus side? She’s on her wenchy last legs, and I have a good feeling about February. Sending you hugs from across the border. The bear kind.

    1. angella January 27, 2012 11:35 am edit

      Bear hugs back at you! I was telling a friend at lunch yesterday how excited I am that you are only five (FIVE) hours away now. I need to see your face!

  4. Kristabella January 26, 2012 9:57 am edit

    Ugh, I’m having the same issues with the computer. I just don’t care to open it at home. At all. Like I was pissed that I had to get on it last night to send one stupid email. I’m just over it. I’m enjoying my evenings reading or watching TV or cooking and cleaning. I’m not in a sad place like you (HUGS) but I know that feeling.

    Hang in there! xoxo

    1. angella January 27, 2012 11:36 am edit

      Thanks, K. Today is a better day. :)

  5. heidikins January 26, 2012 10:55 am edit

    I don’t know what to say, or even if there is anything to say. Just sending you lots of hugs and yellow sunshine.

    xox

    1. angella January 27, 2012 11:36 am edit

      The sun DID come out yesterday, so thanks for that. :) xox

  6. karengreeners January 26, 2012 11:46 am edit

    Oh, shitty. The feeling of inertia that hits me around this time of year is powerful too, and I don’t have nearly half of your motivation to try and shake it. Never thought we’d look forward to February, huh? xo

    1. angella January 27, 2012 11:38 am edit

      Your “never thought we’d look forward to February” comment made me smile yesterday. IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S TRUE. :)

  7. agirlandaboy January 26, 2012 12:04 pm edit

    Ugh. And a hug. xo

    1. angella January 27, 2012 11:38 am edit

      Thanks, friend. Today is a better day! xo

  8. Annettek January 26, 2012 1:14 pm edit

    :( January sucks hard. I hope all is better soon. Hugs to you my friend.

    1. angella January 27, 2012 11:38 am edit

      I’m feeling better today. Hugs back atcha.

  9. Heather January 26, 2012 1:55 pm edit

    Gosh, that sounds rough. I hope you are feeling better. 6 minutes more sun in the morning and in the evening, everyday (right?)

    Take care! 5 days to go.

    1. angella January 27, 2012 11:39 am edit

      It was light yesterday and today when I took the kids to the bus stop. HOORAY! :)

      (Feeling better. Thank you.)

  10. ChrisB January 26, 2012 2:10 pm edit

    Matthew is correct, sometimes you just have to allow yourself a “sad” day, a day that is as unproductive as they come. Reflect, have that extra cup of coffee (or tea), let the thoughts wander. I am not sure if those days are really weather related as I live in the land of abundant sunshine and also have “quiet” days once in a while. I always still go for a run though, it helps put the mind in order and things in perspective!
    Xxxxxx

    1. angella January 27, 2012 11:41 am edit

      I was feeling physically better Monday evening, so I made it to boot camp. Ran Tuesday, boot camp Wednesday, ran yesterday, Jillian today. If I didn’t exercise, I would feel so much WORSE. I know you relate.

      Feeling better today. Hope you’re having a sunny day!

  11. Danica January 26, 2012 2:31 pm edit

    Oh my friend. I’m sorry to hear about your Monday. I hope the following days have been a bit better. I’m counting down to February today: the gateway to spring.

    1. angella January 27, 2012 11:42 am edit

      I’m going to hold onto that hope. :)

  12. Rebecca January 26, 2012 3:24 pm edit

    Oh Hun, not fun at all. I think it’s January in general. It had happened every year to me in Toronto, where a day (or two, or three) would come and the couch would be the furthest I’d get. I figured it was lack of sunshine. I was wrong. I think January is a beast all its own. Feel better… Sending a happy prayer.

    1. angella January 27, 2012 11:45 am edit

      Thanks, friend. Today is better. Much better. xo

  13. Rhi January 26, 2012 4:15 pm edit

    BIG HUGS. This time of year is particularly brutal to those of us in the Pacific Northwest. :-(

    1. angella January 27, 2012 11:46 am edit

      It IS. I hope the sun is shining on you today. (I know it’s a rarity for Portland, but one can hope.) :)

  14. Tamara January 26, 2012 6:36 pm edit

    I’ve been feeling it this week, too. I don’t know what happened, but I was so melancholy all day yesterday. I just wanted to crawl into bed and not get out for a while. Sorry to hear it’s hitting you so hard. :(

    1. angella January 27, 2012 11:46 am edit

      Sorry to hear it’s hitting you, too! Looking forward to dinner with you girls on Sunday. :)

  15. Mrs. Wilson January 27, 2012 2:16 pm edit

    January SUCKS.

  16. Hannah January 29, 2012 1:35 pm edit

    Hugs, Angella. I am sorry you feel this way but Matthew is right, we all have bad days and we are allowed to cry. Hope you’re feeling better now. Love you!

  17. Elizabeth February 2, 2012 11:10 pm edit

    Just wanted to wish you peace. Just reading this, now, and sending you peaceful dreams.

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