Let me just start this by saying that I think I’m a good Mom. Nay, I am a great Mom. I am nowhere near perfect and I may not be the kind of Mom that you are and you may not be the kind of Mom that I am, but none of that really matters. I am the Mom that my children need me to be. I get their quirks and their personalities. I know how to make them laugh and I know when they need me to be serious. I mess up, often, but I say I’m sorry. Just like they mess up, often, and say they’re sorry.
I guess my biggest struggle, the one that I wrestle with daily, is whether I am their best Mom.
Back when they were babies I had the distinct privilege, for the most part, of being at home with them. I did a few short stints of working outside the home while Matthew ran Daddy Daycare and then I got to be a SAHM for a while when his work was rollicking busy and then the two of us both worked at home and balanced each other out with child minding and play dates and school commitments and whatnot. I got to be here, at home, and drive them to school and back and volunteer to help with school activities and bake treats for holidays and just be there.
Then, last year, circumstances changed.
I returned to work full-time and it is no secret that I had a hard time adjusting to it. For months, the kids would latch onto me every morning as I walked out the door and start to cry. I felt like I was failing them somehow, despite the fact that their DADDY was taking care of them and would find myself crying at my desk. But then, we adjusted. The kids say good-bye with a, “Love you! Have a good day!” and when I get home we sit down for dinner and fill each other in on what’s going on. We’ve worked out the kinks, for the most part, and will do so again in a couple of months. It’s what we do.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder, daily, if I’m doing my best. Now that Matthew is employed (for half the salary that I make, but still), should we cut back on all extraneous expenses (See: new clothes and strawberries out of season) so I can “just” be a Mom? I don’t think so, no, but sometimes comments and looks from others can make you wonder, you know? It doesn’t help when I have an afternoon like I did yesterday which saw me looking like an unorganized idiot at a school function because, well, it doesn’t matter what the reasons are. I just felt like that Mom who is a career lady and shows up to the school for the third time this entire school year and doesn’t do it right.
I felt like I failed a little bit and when you add it onto the nights I don’t manage to fit in home readings or the times I forget that it’s library day or the times that I forget to sign a form and I wonder if the teachers roll their eyes at me. It’s silly, I know, because I’m also the Mom who packs school lunches the night before and lays out clothes for my kids to wear and who cuddles with them on the couch to get the lowdown on what happens in the school yard and does her best to just love them. Mom guilt always rears its ugly head, though.
I think that we’re doing a fantastic job with our kids. Nay, I know that we are doing a fantastic job with our kids. We love them beyond measure and they are loved by friends and family and members of our community due to their inherent radness. I guess I wouldn’t be their “best” Mom if I didn’t worry if I was doing all that I could for them and I really do try to get it all right but, man. Nobody is perfect, myself included. Yesterday was a good reminder of that fact.
All of the above to say that I love these three more that all of the words on the Internet could ever convey and I want nothing more than to give them my best so that they, in turn, can be the best them that they can be.
I think I’m doing it. Nay, I know I’m doing it.
That Mom-guilt… she’s a nasty one, she is
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You’re a fantastic Mom! If every Mom cared about their kids half as much as you do, the world would be a much better place. (Not saying that all Moms are that way, but it makes me very sad to see kids grow up with unloving parents.)
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I get this. I SO do.
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When I am a mom someday, I hope to be half the mom that you are. Seriously, I feel like I know you and your family just from this here blog and I feel privileged to have that inside window. I like when you type it all out because they are feelings that so many other people relate to and might not ever say. xx
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I so can relate to this post. Working full time, pregnant, preschooler and toddler. I can’t do it all and spend most of my days wondering what in the world I have missed or not done that I was supposed to. I am seriously considering not going back to work but wonder if I could even do it. So this post hits home to me on so many levels.
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I think we all wonder if we are being the best mom! I know I do. I believe that there are terrible SAHMs and great mom’s who work full time (and of course vice versa) – it has a lot to do with how you spend the time you do have with your kids! For the little time I’ve been following your blog it sounds like you are doing a great job!
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Glad to hear you’ve come around to that truth.
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Hell yes you’re doing awesome.
Ya know whats funny? That you would mention forgetting about library day or signing some paper to send back. I do that and more – and I am SAHM right now. For instance, my son came home with a list of 9 (NINE!) missing assignments since December. And I take full responsibility. If I’m not teaching my son to take care of himself, who will? Well, the missing homework is all done, and ready to go back to school now.
But your kids LOVE you, you spend enough time with them to know they are growing up to be neat kids with cool personalities and interesting lives. Working or staying at home, its all part of life, and you and Matthew are doing awesome. Not all teachers are the best they can be either, and its THEIR Job.
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I think from the moment we become moms we begin to second guess all of our decisions. But, lady, you are an awesome mom BECAUSE every decision you make is FOR your family. HUGS.
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I hate the mom guilt. But, I do think you are doing an AMAZING job. Being a good mom isn’t about remembering when it’s library day (I don’t even know when Kaylie’s library day is), it’s about connecting with and loving your kids. You do that and you do it WELL.
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I have the guilt, too. Every time I’m not available to help drive kids to skating or I can’t be a spotter for gymnastics (private school seems to require a lot of parental volunteering) I feel guilty. The thing is, I just can’t do it all and we couldn’t manage financially without me working.
There was one teacher at school that I felt judged by early in the school year. She always seemed to be the one there to comfort Camille when I forgot about show-and-tell day or something and she never smiled at me no matter how friendly I tried to be. One day I just told her straight up that I was getting a complex about my motherly inadequacy and she told me that she had forgotten her kid’s past two show-and-tell days and his fun lunch money, so if anyone was going to be passed over for mother of the year, it was her.
Okay, this is getting too long. What I’m trying to say is that sometimes they’re really not judging us.
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Your kids are going to grow up knowing that they are loved fiercely by their mama. They’re not going to remember lost permission slips or missed library days. You are their BEST mom because you love them so hard.
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I hear hear hear you screamin! Mom guilt is the worst ever but you have the right attitude about it for sure! Isn’t that kind of life all around? If I’m doing a good job being a mom I’m not doing a good wife job or if I’m doing a good job at work I suck at Mom and Wife duties! Ugh – some days there just isn’t enough of me to go around! Be that as it may ….
You are doing a great job – the same great job we all try to do! Just keep it up I guess (uh, ok Coach – ugh)
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I love this post. It’s exactly the way I feel most of time. Sure I have plenty of off moments and really off days but I know I’m doing it right for MY family. And that’s all that is important. (My new family of FOUR! as of last Friday too!)
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Since I began reading your blog (many moons ago), I marvell at what an amazing woman, wife, friend and mother you are. You care about the wellbeing of your kids and want the best in the world for them…. that makes you the best mom ever. Also, for some reason the song “all you need is love” is running through my head – because love sure is a powerful thing. Mommy guilt sucks, but also keeps me trying to strive to do better, which isn’t all bad, right? Thanks for telling all of us mothers that we are doing a good job. It sure is nice to hear and lovely to be reminded of it. You are doing an amazing job!! keep up the good work.
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I wrote a post for Mamapedia about a year ago about Mommy guilt, and how it’s something I have to fight like most every other mom out there. The thing that resounds in my mind is something I was told long before my girls were born, I said it then and I say it often to other Momma friends – If you love your kids, if you are loving your kids, then you are doing your best! Everything else is learning, is life, is what will happen! If you’ve got the love (and the forgiveness) figured, then you’re the best! And we know, you’re their best!
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This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday – http://www.schmutzie.com/fivestarfriday/2011/2/25/five-star-fridays-139th-edition-is-brought-to-you-by-truman.html
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Mom/Mum guilt sucks. Big time.
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I SO here you on this one. Just being at the beginning of “working mom” is leaving me forgetting to bring treats with the valentines cards for school or forgetting the library book AGAIN. I’m sure routine will come, but it’s not here yet. I epically fail on a daily basis but my nightly prayer is that they will remember all that I/we did right and forget all that I/we did wrong…
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You are so doing it.
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You ARE doing a fantastic job. And you wouldn’t be teaching your kids what it means to be human if you didn’t forget something once in a while, you know? Try not to be too hard on yourself
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I know you already know how I feel about you being a (wonderful!) mom to your kids, and I know you already know how I think your kids are three of the BEST kids on the planet, but I will happily tell you forever and ever, amen, because it’s so totally true. And true stories are my favorite kind of stories.
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