Do you remember that old phrase:
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me“?
I call bull.
(I’d throw in the “s” word, but this site is PG.)
I was on crutches in Seventh Grade due to knee problems. A kid from my class told me that the real reason I needed crutches was that I was too fat to carry my own weight.
Twenty-two years later, I still remember that comment. Words can cause some seriously deep wounds.
I had a comment this past weekend on my Boys Will Be Boys post. The commenter told me that by making my children say they were sorry, I was shaming them. Instead of making them apologize, I should apologize on their behalf.
Again, I call bull.
1. Apologizing on their behalf does not teach them to take responsibility for their actions. That is equivalent to me having Matthew, or better yet my parents, apologize on my behalf. Not only is that ridiculous, it is also ineffective. When do your children then learn to respect others and make amends if everything is done for them?
2. I have NEVER shamed my children. In the occasional instance that my child is one to cause harm to another, I do not berate them, or SHAME them. I usually say something to the effect of, “Hey, sweetie. So-and-so is crying because you hurt them. Do you think you could go and tell them that you are sorry?”
That is not shaming my children. It is training them in the way they should go.
WHICH IS MY JOB.
I have witnessed parents who actually do shame their children in public. They call their children names.
Stupid.
Idiot.
Loser.
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
While I may have many (Many!) parenting flaws, I never (NEVER!) shame my children. I might tell them that they are acting a certain way (You are not being very loving to your brother/sister), but I never tell them that they are something negative (You are not a very loving person).
I had a great conversation a few weeks ago with some friends who deal with children as their profession. They told me that to state that a child was “acting” a certain way was not damaging. To tell them that they “are” something would cause some serious repercussions. It turns out that my instincts are on the right track.
Phew.
It still makes me sad that there are parents out there who have no problem shaming their children. They speak out of frustration. Out of anger.
Brat.
Jerk.
Nightmare.
What is wrong with you?
I have never spoken the above to my children. This is not because I think that I am better than anyone else.
It is because I think my children deserve better. The deserve to know that they are loved. That they are cherished. That they are worth more than I could ever give them. This is where God and His love comes in.
I have been entrusted with these three little human beings. They need direction and correction, yes, but that does not mean that I need to do it in anger.
Discipline is a form of love. I show love to my children by training them to love and respect others. Calling them names would not help this mission, and would only serve to hurt them deeply.
We do call our children nicknames when we are teasing them. Monkey, Turkey and Stinker are the three most common names we use. These are never thrown out in anger, of course.
(Could you imagine yelling, “YOU ARE SUCH A MONKEY!!!” Hardly a phrase that can be taken seriously. We would all be busting a gut mid-sentence.)
It makes me sad to hear parents humiliating their children by berating them and crushing their spirits. We have been given a huge responsibility in being entrusted with these little beings. Let us all commit to doing it with minimal collateral damage.
It is the least we can do for our kids.
Absolutely! How wounding it is to be called names by the people we love. That becomes how they define themselves.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Pimping
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I totally agree. I cannot stand it when children are being called names, let alone by their parents. I also think that kids need to learn to say, “I’m sorry”. One of the children I have worked with was always getting in to trouble and hurting others. I was told by someone that by me telling him to say sorry, I was allowing him to continue the behaviour. (Because then he could continue hurting people and just apologize to make it better) First of all, if a child has hurt another on purpose, I know saying sorry is not going to teach the child not to do that but I think it is the first step. It’s called respect. If you do something hurtful to someone, you apologize. Even adults have to. Then you can deal with the behaviour.
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P.S. Love the photo and Emily’s sweater!
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Amen! Awesome Post Angella. I couldn’t agree more.
Karla’s last blog post..Bridge over water
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Oh, Lord. I love the idea that children never do anything they should be ashamed of because they are JUST TO YOUNG! When are they old enough to learn? When they are too old to care about what you say to them.
slynnro’s last blog post..Two Years.
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Absolutely right on! Our children are so tender, so easy to hurt; as mothers we have a responsibility for keeping their hearts intact. And I take that job very, very seriously.
-Andrea
Andrea’s last blog post..VBlog: How to make Chicken Broth
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You’re a good mom – I’m always really impressed by how seriously you take your parenting responsibilities. I hope I’m even half as good a parent as you are.
Janssen’s last blog post..Please Discuss
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I completely agree. The start to healing hurt feelings is always as simple as “I’m sorry” or “Please forgive me” and never so easy if those words are forgotten. I am a big fan of teaching Bethany the value of humility. By humbling herself to say she’s sorry she not only learns to be a caring and cautious child/woman with her words and actions but also learns to appreciate how hard it can be to say, when you are truly embarassed by your actions. It helps her learn to appreciate when someone says their sorry to her.
As much as we are teaching her to say she’s sorry, we also make a concious effort to say we’re sorry when we goof up with her….it happens. Our children learn by our examples not by our excuses.
Good for you, for posting in regards to that comment. There is a true difference between remorse and shame. None of the rest of us ever doubted your awesome Momness.
Ashley’s last blog post..A list of thankful proportions
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AMEN!!! We sometimes call our kids “brat” and “monster” when we’re teasing them, but NEVER when they are in trouble. We’re quite sarcastic around here, and Kaylie has a great sense of that. (Liliana doesn’t have a clue, but thinks EVERYTHING is funny.)
I love this post. When we lived in Terrace, I witnessed a dad swearing fiercely (F-bombs all the way) at his three children in the back seat. I wanted to go over there and THROTTLE him.
It’s so wonderful to hear from a loving parent like yourself. It’s refreshing, really. I’ve learned that in our world, just because you can make a child, doesn’t mean you know how to parent that child. Those people should read this post
Mrs. Wilson’s last blog post..What am I thankful for?
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ps. I’m sorry about that comment some ignorant kid said to you. The cruelty. It’s horrendous.
Mrs. Wilson’s last blog post..What am I thankful for?
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pps. That kid should have had a parent like you to tell the you back then that he was sorry!!!
Mrs. Wilson’s last blog post..What am I thankful for?
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Next time I get mad at Mr. E I am totally going to yell “you are such a MONKEY!” at him.
I think you sound like a most wonderful mom – and you are teaching me how to be a better one in the process. Thank you.
Elizabeth’s last blog post..Scrap Challenge Pillow
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I completely agree with everything you have said!
- TEACHER
Tracy’s last blog post..Three Months…
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I couldn’t agree more.
Of course we should never degrade our chidlren by calling them names but that does not mean we need to be afraid of letting them know in no uncertain terms when they are ACTING in an inappropriate manner.
Don Mills Diva’s last blog post..The masochism of beauty
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Well said!! sorry about that kid
Leslie’s last blog post..Bridge County Raceway
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What, are we supposed to follow them around the rest of their lives apologizing for them? It’s a fine line now, for some reason, between building self-esteem and enforcing discipline.
That’s what’s going wrong with our kids today. So many aren’t learning to be responsible for their actions, and instead are gaining a sense of entitlement.
LVGurl’s last blog post..Fun pottery, great cause
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I agree 110% on teaching your child to apologize. Your right on and they need it to learn responsibility. Someone recently (can’t remember who) posted on discipline that fits the crime. If it deserves an apology then teach them to apologize.
It is an opportunity for them not only to learn that they made a mistake but also an opportunity to do what is right. I had to do it, I hated doing it but I am glad I learned.
You get my vote!
orlund’s last blog post..Bragging Rights
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People and their unsolicited parenting advice KILL me. No, really. I can probably never have children because if one person tried to tell me how to parent via my WEBSITE, especially if I did not know them, I would a. cry, b. kick them in the virtual shins, or c. cry while kicking them in the virtual shins.
You are one of the best moms I have ever met. Truly. Second perhaps only to my mother, who will always come in first place because (she put up with me from age 14-16, and also) I am biased.
Kerri Anne’s last blog post..Super Sister
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Wonderfully written, Angella. Good job.
ELizabeth’s last blog post..Me ?n He ?n She
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Well said
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It is very apparent to me that you area a very lovely mother. It sounds like you parent your children in the way you would like to be treated yourself. We want our children to be successful in this world, and that includes being about to own up to our actions, and genuinely feel sorry for those that have been wronged. Teaching them empathy, and kindness.
Well done.
Corey~ living and loving’s last blog post..The Longest Week EVER!
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i wholeheartedly agree. the parents who apologize for their children’s behavior are the same parents who will be wondering what the heck went wrong with their “babies.” our kids are alot smarter at a younger age than we give them credit for… they catch on quickly to what they can get away with, and if mommy dear isn’t holding them accountable… recipe for disaster. oh, and “stinkbutt” is my favorite name for my two beautiful girls
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Yea, what LV Gurl said. EXACTLY!
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Wow. I could not disagree with your commenter more. People like you are raising responsible, kind children who not only know how to be kids, but know how to be polite members of society. Isn’t that our job as parents? I mean, isn’t it?
Teaching them to be polite, caring kids with a sense of empathy is not shaming them. And because I am JUST THAT CRANKY and also PREGNANT, I would like to kick that person in the teeth for you.
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The visual of pregnant Jonna kicking someone in the teeth just MADE MY DAY. (I totally think you’d kick arse, by the way.)
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Well, I am the person who commented on your other post. I am sorry you took it as a personal attack it was just a thought about perhaps why the mom you were criticizing in your story wasn’t so bad. We may disagree fundamentally but I believe the way MOST parents go about making their kids apologize is a form of shame…aka “you did something naughty and you HAVE to go say sorry for it”. The way you described what you do does not sound like it though.
You can’t make kids learn empathy by forcing them to apologize. I think when they are young it is more effective for the parent to do the sympathizing and apologizing so the kids can learn from your example. When they are older then hopefully they learned by watching you and maybe some gentle reminders will do but never in front of the person they need to apologize to because this is humiliating for them. In all things I try to be respectful of them, as I want them to be of other people…being respectful for me means modeling the behavior I want to see…not forcing it on them. I just don’t believe in constantly telling kids when to share, when to say sorry, ect and consistently doing their thinking for them. I don’t think it helps them develop problem solving abilities of their own. This type of philosophy can be found in the book, Raising a Thinking Child.
And I did not share my personal views to slam you…I was just sharing my thoughts and I never made any comments aimed at you sepcifically…just parenting philosophy in general.
We should not also forget that no one is “entitled” to an apology. Parents who demand apologies when their little Sally or Joe get bumped by another kid are teaching their own kids that the world owes them something.
Tiffany’s last blog post..Helping Each Other During a Recession
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I wholeheartedly agree, we have to teach children to be responsible for their own actions and I high five LVGurl. I do think kids today, teenagers, are not held accountable for their own actions.
The world will be in trouble when these kids hit the age of majority.
Apologizing for a mistake, whether it was intentional or not, is necessary and we have to teach our children this now.
What is most embarrassing for me is when I tell my kids to do this and because they are uncomfortable talking to kids they don’t know, they don’t. Then I look like a complete bumbling idiot when I end up apologizing for them…..
But at least they see what they are supposed to do. I do hope they will catch on eventually.
Kami’s last blog post..Big Changes
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I get the idea from this post that your parenting is pretty awesome.
And another thing… AMEN SISTA! ; )
Elaine’s last blog post..WW – Hug Fest ’08
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