I keep backspacing. I don’t know where to begin, or how to end, or how to cram stuff in the middle. I am … unhinged? Maybe that’s not the right word, for you might expect me to assault someone. Maybe you? My usual bubbly self is finding that I’m like a day-old bottle of cracked-open soda. Full of sugar, but completely flat. There isn’t even enough air to make that hissing sound when you crack the top of the bottle.
I’m feeling apathetic. Full of inertia. Low. Very low. For no reason, and for every reason. I made the decision to work from home again, and have had an abundance of work thrown my way. Accounting work, writing work, photography work. I jump between the different worlds, doing the necessities that I need to keep everyone happy. I also find myself sitting at my desk, staring at the screen, wondering where to start. I’m thankful for the work I get to do but sometimes I want to just check out.
I often do that. Check out.
I want to do EVERYTHING and I want to do NOTHING. I should be reading great books or writing in my journal or be relevant, somehow. Instead, I am being nothing. I am doing nothing. I am contributing nothing.
I don’t even know where to go from here.
Comments:
Dude. I’ve been feeling the same way lately.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.
I’ve been humming that all morning.
Aw hon, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Not sure what to say, except I love you.
((hugs))
Love you too. Hugs accepted and reciprocated.
I’ve been feeling that way myself, lately. I took a step of faith this year to leave my job and pursue my dream of being a teacher, but it’s been rough. I’m trying to balance studies and work three jobs to make ends meet and be involved with church and stay connected with people I love and still have time for myself, and and and…yikes. So, I understand…a little bit, anyway.
Clearly I don’t have a solution to this problem as I’m fighting it myself, but just so you know, you’re not alone, and I’m sending love, hugs, and happy thoughts your way. (Isaiah 40v28-31)
I read once that “me too” is one of the most powerful phrases in the world. It helps to know that we’re not alone, you know?
Thanks for the verse. xo
Also, I love Jen’s comment. And I will probably be humming “just keep swimming” all the live long day…
I have been.
Starbucks. You need to go to Starbucks.
ps. Of course I am also praying for peace and guidance for you, but really the answer to all problems in life (after prayer) is Starbucks – their baristas can fix anything.
With all that you guys are dealing with, I think you know of which you speak. I’ll have to try it.
Jen is a smart lady it’s why I love her so much. Keep swimming! What else can you do? Letting the waves suck you under is NOT an option. Swim for a few more days, then see how you’re doing. If you’re still not feeling the greatest-swim a couple more days.
It WILL get better.
Thanks, Meg. I know it will. I just needed to get it out, and I’m glad I did. You guys are awesome.
ohmigosh.
no.
those last few sentences jarred me.
you are DOING. and contributing. your family and life are thriving. you are APPRECIATING, and that is a great start in LIVING.
i mean, i’m truly sorry you are feeling this way. it’s quite surprising- b/c your posts are always full of greatness. you can (apparently) mask your sadness. i urge you to go over your blog for the past, i dunno, 13 or 100 posts and see what greatness you have in your life- as well as the great way you reveal things.
but i am truly sorry these thoughts are coming over you.
all the hope that they don’t overcome you!
keep strong, best wishes. and know that your family loves and supports you. that is so very important (and wonderful).
Thank you so much for this. I don’t get like this very often – the last time was in January, but that one was worse. It’s frustrating for me, because I am the eternal optimist, and usually have no problem reflecting on all of the good to brighten me up. So, when that doesn’t work (like yesterday), I get even more frustrated. It’s a vicious circle.
Today is better. Getting it out heled, per usual, and Matthew and I had a great talk last night. I’m still off, but I’ll get better. I always do.
Oh … couldn’t read this without commenting. Nothing particularly useful to say except that I relate. Could have practically written your post. Am also an accountant, also work from home a fair bit and struggle with juggling obligations and finding motivation to really do anything productive, be it as a mom, a volunteer, a friend, a CA etc.
I particularly like the commentary to “go to Starbucks” and “just keep swimming”. I think I will keep both of these in mind as I face down the next three weeks of busy busy UFE prep time.
Are you writing? Or facilitating? (I forget. Sorry.) Either way, August is NUTS. Keep swimming, and go to Starbucks as often as you need.
Leading the training program for a mid sized firm. I’d be a way bigger mess if I was writing. Look on thr bright side I guess.
Wow. Is there something in the water these days. This is exactly how I’ve been feeling lately too. I am normally a “winter slows down my happiness” type of person too and can rarely say I feel that way in the summer months but alas I have. I have always compared it to keeping your head just above water so keep swimming is a great motto to have! It’s great to know I’m not alone. That we can be extremely blessed but somehow still feel lost in a fog. I hope you develop strong arms from swimming and find lots of air to blow the fog away.
P.S. I can only imagine by MercyMe (an oldie but goodie) really does feel me with happiness even for a few short minutes when I’m feeling down.
Swim girl! And if worst comes to worse … float for a wee while, then swim some more!
I am.
xo
Aw, Ange. That is the worst to feel that way. One of the big things we’ve been focusing on this summer with our staff is speaking truth into each other’s lives regarding who they are in Christ and recognizing when one of us is believing a lie.
“Instead, I am being nothing. I am doing nothing. I am contributing nothing.”
I totally feel that those words, though your feel and believe them are lies. Whispered to you to discourage you and tear you down. You are every day being what you were created to be, His child. Regardless of what you fill your days doing. You will bring Him glory simply because you are. You are so beautiful. Such a treasure. SO loved on so many levels. I pray He reveals Himself to you in a powerful way and that as you discover Him you may be filled with the knowledge of the truth of who you are.
And may He fill you with peace and joy.
I feel like I’m being preachy, I don’t know…I don’t intend to. I just love you. And wish to offer word of hope.
Hugs from here. Was so good to see you. It wasn’t long enough.
Not preachy. Encouraging.
Love you. COME BACK SOON.
Sorry for the poor grammar in there.
Angella,
I have been reading your blog for a while now. You are not alone in how you feel. I have just taken a leap of faith and quit the job that has been making me ill with stress for the past 18 months. I don’t have a new job to go to and, after the first initial happiness about being free from my job, I am now scared. Scared that no one will want to hire me. Scared that I won’t be able to cover the bills.
But, you know what? I am sat here alone feeling like this. You have three beautiful children to bring joy into your life and for that you are a very lucky lady. Reading your posts, I can see that you appreciate this too.
Sending you love and best wishes from the UK.
Well, I’m sending you love and best wishes from Canada.
Do not fear. Everything will work out for you. I know it.
I also work from home and I have been feeling many of these same feelings. Incidentally, I know you sometimes title your posts the same as song titles (often NEEDTOBREATHE, woot woot!), and immediately your title reminded me of an old, old Sanctus Real tune (Sink or Swim). But, since I can’t find that one in good quality on YouTube, I thought I’d give you a link to another song of theirs, one that I often blare/sing along with/run to when I am struggling and sinking/treading water. http://youtu.be/E5oY2oYKHFY
Aw, thanks for that.
You hang in there, too.
I just read this now and am sorry to hear how low you’ve been feeling. I thought it was just one “off” day; I didn’t know it had spiraled like this and taken you down further. So many great comments here from people who love you. I don’t have answers, but you are going to be OK, because you always are and because even though you feel depleted, you WILL be filled again.
I know I will. And just writing it out helped. Today is better, as was yesterday. It’s not as bad as that day in January where I was completely shut down, and I know it will be fine. It always is.
There is something in the air, for sure. I’ve been hearing about lots of this lately, and feeling it too. The change of seasons may have something to do with it…? Nothing terribly insightful to add, other than it WILL get better with time. Hang in, Mama! Hope the tide changes for you soon.
I’m with you here, and I wish I knew how to fix it. I’m sorry you’re feeling it, too.
This could be symptomatic of a big life transition. Even when you move out of a negative situation, the transition can throw your whole system for a loop.
I’m treating myself like I’ve got a bad cold right now. I’m popping vitamins, taking naps, and letting myself take an hour to watch trash tv.
I hope this lifts for you.
Love you, Ange. I’m so sorry to hear that you have been feeling low and I hope you find your sweet spot again soon. I spent a lot of the early spring in the place that you are describing and it’s tough.
Angella… big huge hugs to you. I am sorry you’re feeling this way. If it makes you feel any better I feel like this a bit now, too. It’s tough, especially when the answers aren’t all there in front of you. I hope everything works out okay, my friend. xoxo
I think sometimes we perceive what we are “doing” as less than what others do. Do you know what I mean? I know I do that anyway.
You wear many hats my friend and I also think that at certain times we are trying to accomplish so many “little” things that it doesn’t seem like we are doing anything BIG.
I get how you are feeling and I’m sorry that you are. Hope you feel better soon, sweet friend. xoxo
YOU ARE NOT NOTHING. You are funny and brilliant and kind and loving and talented and generous and compassionate and beautiful and witty and and AND. So many ands.
Love you, lady. xoxo