I’ve walked a long and windy road when it comes to health and fitness in my life. I spent the first twenty-four years of my life as a Big Girl, save for a stint in high school (and another when I was twenty-one) where I would go for days at a time without eating anything and would exist off of water and tea. I wanted so desperately to be skinny and it was the only way I knew how to get there.
I finally learned about healthy eating and exercise in my mid-twenties, and apart from carrying three babies to term, I have managed to stay in a healthy BMI range. However. Spending over two decades being uncomfortable in my own skin left its scars. I used to pine for pencil-thin thighs instead of the tree-trunks I was born with. I wanted the tiny, almost boyish frame some of my friends had instead of the wide shoulders and ample hips I inherited from my family’s gene pool. Even after I got fit and healthy I wished I could be just a little bit smaller.
Nearly three years ago I came down with a stomach flu that was so violent and thorough that by the end of the weekend I had lost the last five pounds of baby weight from having Miss Emily…plus an additional five more. I was skinny. Everyone commented on how thin I was, that I was so skinny and of how I “disappeared when I turned sideways.” I ate it up (Pun intended).
Having three small kids close together meant that I simply did not have the time nor the energy for exercise in my life. I wish I could say that I kept my skinny frame by eating well but it simply was not the case. Breakfast would consist of my regular oatmeal and a coffee, though I cut the portion size of the oatmeal down. Lunch would consist of a salad, unless I had done some baking with the kids. If that were the case, I would count my few spoonfuls of cookie dough as “lunch” and carry on with my day. Dinner would be one of our regular meals but my portion size was so small that it hardly counted. I would fill the rumbles in my stomach with copious amounts of water and Diet Coke.
I kept this up for over a year.
Nearly two years ago I got frustrated with my lack of body strength and missed the adrenaline rush that I would get from a good workout. I signed up for a local fitness class and being the body type that I am, soon saw muscles where there used to be just skin and bone. While I loved that I could help to move a couch if needed, I hated seen my pencil-thighs get thicker. And while it was nice to actually have an arse for the first time in my life (instead of the flat expanse it used to be), I hated that my skinny jeans no longer looked good on me.
I now sit at five to seven pounds heavier than the weight I was when I was my skinniest. I don’t know the exact weight I am, as I gave up stepping on the scale a few months ago. If I saw I had lost a few pounds I would be so elated that it was ridiculous. I would then eat a bit more junk because I had the “room.” I would of course gain it back and then be bummed out because I gained two pounds. TWO POUNDS. I got tired of the cycle and vowed to keep away from the scale.
This has helped immensely in the body image department because I’m not so fixated on a number. The only downside is that if I am having a “fat day” I cannot use the scale to tell me to just shut up already. This past week I had been feeling especially uncomfortable in my skin due to certain female hormones. I also spend the bulk of my days working from home in my favorite pair of yoga pants. Whenever I run into town I will throw on a pair of jeans and think that they’re getting tight. They’re not getting tight; they just don’t give the way yoga pants do. I know this in my head and yet, still battle feelings that I’m getting thicker.
I am thankful that I have a husband and good friends who I can talk to about my body image struggles with. They remind me that the bony look, complete with hip and breastbones jutting out iss not attractive in any way. Friends have told me that they worried about me during that year and when we look back on those photos I just look harsh and…old. Matthew likes the fact that his wife is now fit, has a firm tush and that her chest is no longer deflated. What? He’s a boob man.
This past Friday we had a fancy Christmas party to attend. After spending the week feeling bloated I had been worried that my little black dress would somehow not fit. I pulled it out and what do you know? It fits the same as it always does.
I’m thinking that it’s time I learned to embrace my curves. And maybe only wear my yoga pants to the gym.
You look wonderful!
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angella Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Thank you!
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Angella – you look amazing, and check out those guns! I for one would rather have the strength to do things then fit in skinny jeans (now I just have to figure out how to pass that mentality down to my daughter).
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angella Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
I want to pass that mentality onto Emily too. As it is, she LOVES being “so strong.”
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You look great, and fit, and healthy. I’m glad you’ve made so much progress in learning to like the body you have instead of always fighting against it. That is one of the biggest personal battles that most of us will fight in our lives.
.-= Jess´s last blog ..Snowy thoughts =-.
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angella Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Women, hey? We all battle it to some extent.
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Holy cow, missy, you are one hot little number! ROWR. Rockin’ that dress!
.-= Camels & Chocolate´s last blog ..Photo Friday: Budapest, Hungary =-.
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angella Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Thanks, babe. You’re pretty hot yourself.
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Isn’t it interesting how our own perceptions of ourselves can be so harsh? I look at you and think you are so thin and fit and shapely. I can’t see an ounce of cellulite on you. You look amazing to me. And yet you look in the mirror and think “tree trunk legs” and I am like WHERE?!
I know it’s hard to love our bodies. I struggle too. But maybe if we could try on other people’s views from time to time we could be kinder to ourselves?
You’re beautiful.
.-= Sizzle´s last blog ..Super Sonic =-.
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angella Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
I totally agree with what you’re saying. We’re our own worst critic.
You, my friend, are beautiful as well.
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I LOVE your outfit! You look spectacular!
I had to do away with the scale in my house as well. It’s not healthy for me to have one, as it caused me so many problems in the past. I’m much happier and healthier without one.
.-= Sharon´s last blog ..Adventures in Cooking =-.
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angella Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Thank you! And isn’t it FREEING to stay away from the scale?
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From where I stand, you look hot – and those arms? Killer!
That’s why they make spanx.
.-= Motherhood Uncensored´s last blog ..Quik Trip Advertisement – You’re going to die anyway, so why eat healthy? =-.
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angella Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Thanks, Kristin. You’re a pretty hot number yourself, lady.
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You are a hot foxy lady! Don’t ever forget that…love to you and your family….xxoo
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angella Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
You’re a fox too! Give your family my love too, and let’s get caught up soon.
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It is absolutely true that we are our own worst critics. I, like those who posted above me, see your photo and think you look fantastic – thin and fit [hello, arm definition!]. Plus, your attitude and spunk just add to it all. While it may always be a bit of a struggle for you and for a lot of us girls out there, as long as we keep reminding ourselves that we are great in our own skin, we’re doing pretty great.
Hope you had a blast at your party!
.-= Laura´s last blog ..Christmas time – Among the finer things in Life. =-.
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angella Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
I DID have a blast. I’m really looking forward to going back to work with those folks – they’re pretty rad.
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I think you look great!
I’ve heard you talk about Smartie before, anything else? Thanks.
I also have a question for you. I mentioned on gchat the other day that I am going to Canada this weekend.. I am hoping you can give me some suggestions for Canadian chocolates and candies that I need to try. Ironic since you posted about weight today.
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angella Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Smarties, Coffee Crisp and Aero. Purdy’s chocolates are great “higher quality” chocolates, but I’m pretty sure they’re only out west.
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Great post (I love the part about putting on jeans after wearing yoga pants all week-ha! We’ve all been there!!) On another note, you look beautiful, as always!
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angella Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Aw, thank you!
I didn’t think I’d be alone on the jean transition.
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Sometimes I think you’re in my head. Lol, ok so not really. It just seems the timing of some of the things you talk about on your blog is uncanny to life issues/conversations happening over here. Just last night Corey and I had a serious talk about the “weight” issue. About the fact that the number on the scale is so all consuming for me. I had just finished watching a program where a lady told a 16 year old girl that she was giving the number too big a role in her life and she should let it go. Easier said than done. There isn’t a thing that crosses my lips that I don’t think and worry about it’s effects on my waist line. I am at the goal weight I’ve wanted since I myself was 16, less in fact, and while I thought I’d be happy. I’m not. The thrill of losing a pound is far too important to me, and the fear of gaining one can be all consuming if I’m not careful. No weight is ever quite good enough. It’s something I’m aware of for more than just me, having 2 daughters I need to get this stuff figured out before they are old enough to emulate it. While I do my best to eat right and exercise, the fear remains.
Thanks for the perspective and the reassurance. You are beautiful, have a figure that is fantacular one that those who do not read this here blog wouldn’t know was every anything else. It’s easy to assume when you see someone with a great shape, that she was born with it, can eat what she wants and never thinks about a calorie. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one working on keeping my body healthy and in shape. I might just follow your lead and walk away from my daily step up onto the scale. Thanks again
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..Christmas GIVEAWAY 2 – Let your little light shine! =-.
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angella Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
And *I* could have written your comment…uh, except where you compliment me.
Thanks for chiming in Ashley. I totally get where you’re coming from.
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Paragraph 4 made me hungry!!! I am glad you didn’t maintain that. If I had known! I might have had to come there and talk some sense into you!
Eating lots of healthy food and ample activity is the place where I am happiest. I love muscle. I think it’s because I figure skated in my most impressionable years. We all had muscle and we looked amazing (I did not think I did at the time but pictures show a different story now).
You look amazing Angella. Really you do. Embrace it, it’s all yours!
.-= Kami’s Khlopchyk´s last blog ..Snow for Christmas =-.
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angella Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Thanks, babe. I’m getting there! And I have to say that I’ve been enjoying eating real food for the last two years.
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Ps I personally have never donned a pair of skinny jeans. Too much booty on this girl and I love it.
.-= Kami’s Khlopchyk´s last blog ..Snow for Christmas =-.
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You look fabulous! (that’s Nebraskan for “hott”)
And speaking as one (another one, apparently) who has weight issues, but in the other direction, I do have to say that learning to love myself has made it actually easier for me to do the things to help me become/go to a healthier weight. When I was seriously unhappy I would definitely gain weight faster and now that I am happier in my own skin, so to speak, and in life, I am maintaining and even losing a little bit. And I’m more motivated to be healthy. I admire your honesty here — it is so easy to hide behind the screen and stories and never let us see the real you, but you are taking the step to let us know that you are a real woman with real life issues too. Thanks for being human, and by the way, I like you even more for it!
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angella Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Aw, thanks Jennifer. I like you too.
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I do this constantly- assess myself as CLEARLY FAT and then put on clothes that indicate to the contrary. And round and round and round.
.-= slynnro´s last blog ..In the. . . Spirit of the Season? =-.
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angella Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
I know, right? It’s madness.
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You’re so dang cute, girlie.
Thank you for sharing this story. I’m struggling now and I can’t tell you how much reading about someone, a friend’s story.. means. It is so important.s
.-= rachel-asouthernfairytale´s last blog ..Chilled Potato and Green Bean Salad =-.
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angella Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Aw, thanks, friend. And you’re pretty cute yourself.
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lookin’ good, lady!
.-= hillary´s last blog ..A Coffee Shop With A Cause Then I’ll Freak You Out =-.
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angella Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Thanks, you.
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I could have written this post, even down to the feeling that my jeans are getting tight even though they really aren’t and it’s just that jeans don’t fit like lulus.
love you lady.
that is all.
also? yer hot.
.-= ali´s last blog ..I Should Probably Stick to My Day Job. =-.
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angella Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Of COURSE you could have written this. We’re twins, after all.
Love you more. And you’re hotter.
Also. I owe you a phone call.
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You are so beautiful, babe, so healthy and so fit and yet I can completely understand how sometimes when you look in the mirror, you see something completely different.
I’ve been battling my weight for awhile now, but it was never something I did ever in my life, up until post-college, when I stopped playing competitive, team-orientated sports. (There was definitely some emotional things that triggered the weight gain, too, things that I’m still very recently coming to terms with…)
Even then, when I was so thin and fit and healthy, I always looked in the mirror and saw arms and shoulders and thighs that were bigger than my smaller (and much much shorter) girlfriends. It’s amazing to me to look back at those pictures and realize how thin and fit and healthy I really was, and how much I work I have ahead of me to get back to that place.
.-= Kerri Anne´s last blog ..I Just Like To Smile; Smiling’s My Favorite. =-.
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angella Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
I know your story, but love that you shared it here. I also owe you a phone call. Because I miss you.
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Um, you are so totally hot, and I love your shoes, btw.
.-= Danica´s last blog ..The Fat Lady Is Hiding Behind the Curtain, Awaiting Her Cue. =-.
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angella Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Thanks! And the shoes were bought here in Bummerland.
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Like pretty much everyone above, I feel like you wrote this from my brain. Because I’m tall and muscular (and always a Big Girl), even at my heaviest (which I am now), I’m not terribly overweight — I see the difference, but friends and family say they can’t.
And when the difference is between me counting Every. Single. Calorie. or eating what I want and working out when I can, I think the choice of how to live becomes obvious. But, you know, remind me of that when I put on a bathing suit. Or the jeans I just washed. Ugh.
This is a beautiful post, and I hope that when you’re having those hard days, you can look back at it (and all the adoring comments) and remember that you’re strong and beautiful in more ways than one. And hopefully the rest of us can remember that as well.
.-= Kristen´s last blog ..Why? That seems to be a loaded question =-.
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i’d kill to have your body!:)
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You look awesome!
I read an article in a magazine that profiled a woman every day for a month. She took a photo of herself in the same thing every morning for 30 days and then would write how she was feeling about her body that day. Some days she thought she looked great, other days were her “fat days”. But it was interesting to see, in 30 days of photos, that she looked the SAME every single day.
The mind is a powerful thing.
.-= Kristabella´s last blog ..End Of An Era =-.
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You are gorgeous. I wish I could back into exercising but I went last week and it was still too hard. (I tried running…) BUT, I know in the next month or so I should be able to do it. I loved how my body felt and looked when I was running before I got pregnant.
We have a party tomorrow night for my hubs’ company and I fear the LBD will not be worn. I’m still planning on looking as HOT as I can 2 months postpartum! HA!
.-= Elaine´s last blog ..WW – Christmas Past =-.
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