Trying out the Marblecam app. Fun!
I’ve dealt with a lot of hurts in my life. Maybe not as much as you have, but maybe more that you have. But who really knows where the hurts rank? Everything is relative and what I might deem to be hurtful, you might deem to be normal. And vice versa.

All I know is my story. My story is complicated and hilarious and awful and awesome and it is what makes me me.

I married a man who loves me despite my crazy and because of my crazy and for reasons that I do not understand. He knows all of my quirks and my insecurities and my flaws (so many flaws). He encourages me and supports me and he loves me. He loves me so much. God bless him.

There has been a lot thrown at me that I have needed to deal with. Both of my parents have been married multiple times over. Step-parents and divorce and how do these people who were once legally bound to you fit into your life? I have figured out what works for me and my biological parents have come to peace with it.

Speaking of biological parents, my Dad and I are (more than) good. But two years after she ripped me a new asshole, I have not talked to my my Mother. I forgave her immediately (Pro tip: Forgiveness is truly for the benefit of the forgiver. Because who needs to carry that around?) As a Mom myself, I honestly don’t get it. How can you be angry at your child for being happy? No, really. I would love the answer to that question.

That said, I know she had it rough. And all she needs to do is pick up the phone. And while I’ve left messages, she has made zero effort.

I don’t get it. I don’t get it. I don’t get it.

I look at my children, who are one hundred levels of amazing, and I don’t get it. How do you birth and raise a child and not love them? How? No, seriously. HOW?

While I thought that I had dealt with that particular issue when I sat down to write (HA!) I have been dealing with another issue lately. The jerkface across the road has been gone for two weeks and it’s been a lovely reprieve. I could eat again, which was kind of awesome. I like eating.

I drove the kids to school this morning and he and his dad were out on the deck, arms on the railing, staring at us Dexter-style. I played it cool, because the kids have seen all of the Crazy, and I didn’t want to alarm them. I turned up the music, we sang along, and I masked my shaking hands.

When this first started happening, Matthew suggested that I go for counseling. He isn’t scared; just angry. I flip between angry and scared for my life. (I’m not one to exaggerate; the dude is batshit insane.) But today, with the shakes, again, I think that it might be an idea to talk to someone. This (obviously) isn’t my only issue, but living in fear isn’t something I want for myself or my kids.

I have no problem seeking help when my kids need it, but I keep thinking that I can fix myself all by myself.

It appears that I can’t.

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Comments:

  1. Tamara June 13, 2012 12:13 am edit

    I highly recommend therapy even though my own experience ended poorly. I learned a lot in the short time I was in therapy and use it on a regular basis. (I have a lot of the same anxiety about being home alone, and talking to someone about where that came from really helped me.)

    xo

    1. angella June 14, 2012 12:42 pm edit

      Thanks, T.

      xo

  2. Hannah June 13, 2012 2:04 am edit

    You know where I stand on this one, Angella. I believe EVERY person can benefit from therapy, no matter what they have going on in their life (or think they DON’T have going on in their life). My life changed so much after I spent a year in therapy. And I won’t be afraid to go back again in the future. I highly recommend it, and I think you’ll learn a lot that will help you with your current situation (crazy neighbour guy) and maybe with things you didn’t know you needed help with (I’m proof of that one – I went to therapy to find out how to help Tyler with his self-confidence issues, and ended up talking more about myself – which in turn helped me to help him).

    Love you! x

    1. angella June 14, 2012 12:43 pm edit

      Love you, too! And I will go. :)

  3. ememby June 13, 2012 9:04 am edit

    I strongly believe that anyone would/could benefit from a therapist – no matter the size of their issues – because we all have our things. And I’m sorry for the stuff going on in your life – because despite as all having some sort of crap, it still sucks that it’s there! :) Glad you had the respite from the crazy neighbor, I have righteous indignation on your behalf from way over in Michigan that he continues with the crazy!

    1. angella June 14, 2012 12:44 pm edit

      Thanks!

      I’ll go. And soon. :)

  4. Ninabi June 13, 2012 9:30 am edit

    I think therapy is a good thing- if the therapist is good.

    I went through a major trauma last year on top of losing three dear relatives in just a few months. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. I thought I could handle everything life threw at me but my body was telling me otherwise. I thought I was doing okay but then there’d be a news article or story on TV that was similar to what happened in my own life and I’d be a crying, shaking mess. I never thought I’d return to normal.

    Things are better now. But it was good to talk to someone who was not close to me as I could share all the awfulness with the counselor and not have to worry about my family going through another box of tissues or facing sleepless nights just because I re-shared the trauma with them.

    I’ve followed your blog ever since your sweet daughter was a wee baby and it makes me happy to see you all so happy- and I also find myself getting quite angry with anyone who would try and steal that happiness away from your family, like the awful, creepy neighbor.

    If it will help you feel better, go. I think therapy can give one extra strength to tackle life’s challenges.

    1. angella June 14, 2012 12:45 pm edit

      Thank you so much for this. You made me smile. :)
      I think I’m going to go to the same lady we used for Nathan – she’s amazing.

  5. kakaty June 13, 2012 9:52 am edit

    I know the crazy neighbor thing is triggering your desire for therapy but I want to also tell you that my husband has a crazy family who is angry at him and hurtful towards him for his happiness and success. It’s been a long time (over 10 years) since he has had contact with anyone in his family but when he made that decision he sought therapy and benefited greatly. Take care of yourself.

    1. angella June 14, 2012 12:45 pm edit

      Thanks, friend. I plan to go. :)

  6. Amanda Brown June 13, 2012 10:30 am edit

    Good for you, Ange. It’s a hard place to be, realizing we need help finding the way, but you are brave and strong and I believe you’ll be even braver and stronger after talking with someone who can guide you through all this and give you the tools to tackle the challenges.

    Soon you’ll be WINNING again. :)

    1. angella June 14, 2012 12:45 pm edit

      You made me cry. And then laugh. Love you. :)

  7. sizzle June 13, 2012 10:35 am edit

    Maybe it’s more about strengthening your coping mechanisms rather than fixing. There isn’t anything wrong with you. You’re in a rough spot and we all react to situations based on what’s already happened to us/shaped our psyches. I know you’ll find a way. You’re a strong person (strong in that you can ask for help, among others).

    1. angella June 14, 2012 12:46 pm edit

      Thanks, Sizz. Love you.

  8. schmutzie June 13, 2012 10:46 am edit

    I wish I had words that make your mother’s behaviour better, but there are none. I do know that when I quit drinking and moved into a much happier life, most of the people I knew over the previous ten years stopped talking to me, and to this day they deny that I was even an alcoholic. I think for them to accept my new way of living would also mean admitting that my old way of living was not so great and, by extension, admitting to whole lot of their own issues.

    I’m glad that you’re going to seek help for fear issues. One of the biggest turning points in my life happened over two therapy sessions with a woman who showed me how to recognize fear and anxiety in my body, and I hope the same kind of flick-of-the-switch can happen for you.

    1. angella June 14, 2012 12:48 pm edit

      Thanks, Elan. Your first point is a lot of her issues, I think. It doesn’t make it easier, per se, but it makes sense.

      I plan on talking to the same lady we used for Nathan. I trust her, and she’s awesome.

  9. DawnA June 13, 2012 11:28 am edit

    I absolutely agree that if you feel the need to talk to someone you should! Hang in there and I hope karma comes back on your crazy neighbor very soon.

    1. angella June 14, 2012 12:48 pm edit

      Me too. And thanks. :)

  10. Ashley S June 13, 2012 11:32 am edit

    Sending you a hug! If you feel like you need to talk to someone I say go for it! What can it hurt right? And by going maybe it’ll be setting an example for your kids now and in their adult life that you were humble enough to admit that you needed help with your emotions.

    1. angella June 14, 2012 12:48 pm edit

      Thanks, Ashley. :)

  11. Renee June 13, 2012 12:44 pm edit

    I haven’t commented in a while (sorry!), but I had to say something to this one…I absolutely support going to therapy – you just have to make sure you find a therapist that is the right fit for you. The crazy neigbour is a scary situation to be in; no wonder you feel as if you need some support!
    As for the situation with your mom, I can’t even begin to answer your question. HOW INDEED?!?!? I have 3 kids as well and would rather die than hurt them that way. Just know that you have not done anything to deserve this. Continue being the amazing mom that you so obviously are, and leave God to deal with your Mother. Unfortunately, some wounds can never be fully healed. I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you…

    1. angella June 14, 2012 12:49 pm edit

      Aw, thank you so much. You made me smile. :)

  12. Chrisor (ynotkissme) June 13, 2012 12:54 pm edit

    After following the crazy neighbor story, I think ANY woman in your situation would be scared! Just because Matthew isn’t scared doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you because you are. You are VERY strong and this is a temporary problem that you don’t want to take over your life. If you want to see a therapist, you should. I had a horrible experience and doubt I’d ever go again. I understand completely about your Mom situation. The main reason I went for help was due to how upset I was about my relationship with my dad. From what I learned, there was no resolution possible but when he died, it was like a weight was lifted off me and I was able to see he did the best he could. I could no longer expect anything or blame him for his lack of love and caring. You need to do whatever feels right to you. You have nothing to lose by talking to someone.

    1. angella June 14, 2012 12:50 pm edit

      Thank you so much. So, so much. :)

  13. Kami June 13, 2012 1:19 pm edit

    Your mom’s issue are all about her and NOT even a little about you. I can totally relate to not understanding but I think that you and I are so not in the same place as your mom and therefore how could we? My heart goes out to you because I cannot imagine how hurtful that is. Know that you are breaking the cycle and your children will not know this hurt.

    And Batshit crazy neighbor is something to be feared. I would be shaking continually. I think your decision to seek counselling is a great one. I wish you nothing but good things Angella and hope this crazy is all in the past soon.

    And also Batshit crazy is likely the one who “needs” therapy but then shock therapy is the only thing I would recommend:)

    1. angella June 14, 2012 12:51 pm edit

      Haaaaa. You made me laugh. :)

      I plan to call the lady we used with Nathan, because she is awesome. :)

  14. heidikins June 13, 2012 4:19 pm edit

    I had a very wise person tell me once that counseling is nothing more than a tooth cleaning for your brain. It’s “best practice” to go to the dentist twice a year for a check-up, whether your teeth hurt or not. You don’t wait until you have a giant, aching cavity or need a root canal, you just go twice a year to clean up all the gunk and make sure you’re okay. Counseling should be like that. It’s not a stigma, it’s not because you’re “broken” or anything like that, it’s just because most people need a little clearing out and cleaning up every 6 months or so, sometimes more, sometimes less.

    Hugs!
    xox

    1. angella June 14, 2012 12:53 pm edit

      Thanks, Heidi! And that person sounds very wise, indeed. I’ve been simmering on your comment since I read it, and it makes sense. A lot of sense.

  15. Elaine June 13, 2012 5:27 pm edit

    I think I need some counsel over here too. I believe everyone can benefit from it and I’ve been going through some stuff as well. Life is hard sometimes, it just is.

    I’m sorry about your mother and her issues. It just makes me want to get in her face (although I do not know her at all) and say, “Life is too short, lady.” Because it SO is. You took the high road and that is hard to do.

    Good luck, my friend. xo

    1. angella June 14, 2012 12:53 pm edit

      Thanks, friend. And hugs and good luck to you. :)

      xo

  16. Victoria June 13, 2012 7:55 pm edit

    Go for it

  17. Mrs. Wilson June 13, 2012 11:40 pm edit

    I hate going to counseling. But, I’ve never ever regretted a session. It’s worth it. I’d definitely say DO IT. Psychologists think if things you’d never think of. Hopefully you find a wise, empathetic one. They’re the best type. :)

    1. angella June 14, 2012 12:54 pm edit

      I plan to go to the same lady we met with when Nathan was dealing with anxiety. She’s 100 shades of awesome. :)

  18. Danica June 16, 2012 6:13 pm edit

    Well I hope it helps. And I’m really annoyed by the universe that you have to deal with that guy at all. Good for you for getting help.

  19. hillary June 18, 2012 4:27 pm edit

    It’s worth a shot, you know? It’s not like therapy or counselling is going to make things worse and hopefully they will make things better. Be gently with yourself. You take care of everyone else – make sure you take care of YOU too. xo

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