This past Saturday, I rolled into work at seven in the a.m. as I am wont to do. I plowed through the files on my desk, shared a work-sponsored lunch with co-workers that started out in eerie silence and ended with an entire vat of TMI, then powered off my computer in the early afternoon so that I could meet my family for a joint haircut (And color, for me) excursion.

It was the last Saturday that I will be required to work until next year. (Almost everyone else will be working next weekend but I am headed to Vancouver, so. It was my last Saturday.)

This is a cause for celebration, yes, but also a cause for reflection. I seem to be in a perpetual cycle of MY WORK IS INSANELY BUSY and SOON IT WILL ALL BE OK followed by I HAD FIVE SECONDS OF REST AND NOW I AM RIDICULOUSLY BUSY AGAIN. Thanks, folks. I’ll be playing this gig on repeat FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

This cycle is set to start yet again. My office hours are being cut back to normal so I’ve taken on some extra freelance work. I KNOW. I mean, it won’t take as many hours and it’s stuff that I’m (gag) passionate about and it doesn’t feel like work at all and it’s part of my Grand Master Plan…but still. It’s also part of the vicious cycle that I always find/put myself in.

I’ve been analyzing this all in true Angella style and I know that it all stems from my Type A personality and such, but I think that there’s more to it. There’s the need to do it and do it well, yes. There’s the desire to provide for my family (and myself). There’s that whole Grand Master Plan…

Sometimes I am honest with myself and admit that maybe I take on so much because I’m afraid of failing. There are Things I Want To Do that are part of my Grand Master Plan but they fall outside of my training and experience. If I make the time to pursue them, and fail, then what? Then I’m a failure, that’s what. So I take little steps in the general direction of where I want to go, hesitating with every movement. I fill my time with things that are great and fine and fun and that allow me to use them as an excuse to not risk failing. I fail often enough to know that I don’t like it.

I’m also being honest with myself and admitting that this is nothing new. I analyze myself, I talk about it and I change nothing. (OK fine, I change some things, but not enough for my liking.) I’d like to say that this time will be different, but I don’t know that it will. I’m not sure what it’s going to take for me to stop being a pansy but I hope it’s something inspiring rather than devastating. Or maybe I just need to remind myself of all that I have done in order to encourage myself to get of my duff and just do it already.

*Takes a time out from writing this to send an email that both frightened me and exhilarated me. DEEP BREATH.*

Lest you think that I spend all of my free time bouncing around my own head and navel gazing, I should tell you that I did far more than that on this fair weekend. I knew that going from working full-time as a self-employed person to full-time as an employee would be a good change around here. When I’m done at the office, I walk away and don’t think about it until I return. Yes, there is the freelance stuff, but I fit that in on lunch hours/when the kids are in bed. When I’m away from the office I am fully engaged in life at home. It’s about damn time.

Saturday afternoon consisted of the above-mentioned haircuts, then dinner out as a family. We pretty much never eat out, so this was a treat. We came home to have our regular dance party, followed by a wrestle-fest, then tickle-a-thon and then bed. Sweet, sweet BED.

Sunday’s weather was GLORIOUS. We came home after church, scarfed down lunch, then spent the remainder of the afternoon playing street hockey (I beat Nathan! Yes, he’s five, but he has more athleticism in his pinky than I have in my entire body), we (Matthew) planted potatoes in the garden, we (Emily and I) sat on lawn chairs and read books while sitting in the sun. I decided to give Matthew a break from all of the parenting he does, and to give the kids a treat for all of the awesomeness they exude, and took them out for milkshakes.

I also attempted to take a quick photo of the kids with their new ‘dos. This is the best that the dudes could muster.

Oh, Graham.

Emily wasn’t up for a photo, but I caught her when she snuck up onto the couch for a nap.

Widow’s peak, be gone!

While I think that analyzing myself is fine and good and needed, I also know that the rest of the time I just need to enjoy the here and now. It’s all about balancing yourself somewhere in the middle and so far, I’m still standing upright.

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  1. LauraRadniecki April 19, 2010 6:49 am edit

    This hits home so. much. I just wrote a blog post last night about how I too, am always looking ahead. Saying things like ‘I can’t wait until I graduate high school,’ ‘I can’t wait until I graduate college and can move to Hawaii,’ ‘I can’t wait to own a house…’ It’s a cycle and it prevents me from living and most importrantly ENJOYING the here and now. My goal is to focus on the present but it’s a constant struggle for my mind to do that. I absolutely relate!
    .-= LauraRadniecki´s last blog ..You’re Gonna Miss This =-.

  2. Kami's Khlopchyk April 19, 2010 8:26 am edit

    I have a few friends who could have written this too. The difference I think is that you don’t complain endlessly about being busy. You just note that you are and that you are handling it. I am huge believer in the fact that we are as busy as we choose to be. I choose not to be insanely busy because I hate myself when I am. End of story. Others, like you, thrive on being busy and engaged. There is no better or worse, just different.

    Excellent post, my friend!
    .-= Kami’s Khlopchyk´s last blog ..The Corruption of a Sweet Little Girl =-.

  3. Danica April 19, 2010 8:26 am edit

    I’m guilty of it too.
    Congratulations on your last Saturday!
    .-= Danica´s last blog ..Grace’s World =-.

  4. hillary April 19, 2010 9:49 am edit

    Dude. I could say a lot about this but for now I’ll settle for a hearty “me too!”
    .-= hillary´s last blog ..So I Crawl Underneath My Blanket Where I Can Hide Away I Know I Can’t Take It =-.

  5. Elizabeth April 19, 2010 9:52 am edit

    *Sigh* Sounds great… the family parts, that is. Work… good for you for digging in and gettin’ ‘er done. Have a great week!
    .-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..Backlog =-.

  6. Jen Wilson April 19, 2010 12:02 pm edit

    I have an intense fear of failure as well. That’s why, on the 8th day, God created Ativan.

  7. Lisa Burt April 19, 2010 12:27 pm edit

    Unfortunately I do not fear failure too much and get myself into plenty of hot water. My dad told me this week that I am way too old to be getting into so much trouble (I am 44!) My motto, stolen from someone I admire, ” It is better to be a flamboyant failure than an uninspiring success”. I have spent many hours picking myself back up and dusting myself off after surviving “failures”.
    You need not fear failure Angella, you are very inspiring. Any failures that you may face will fade into insignificance amoungst all your successes, (most notably those three beautiful children).

  8. Hannah April 19, 2010 2:39 pm edit

    I can relate completely. My life in insanely busy and I take on FAR more than I can handle, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I get bored easily. I somehow think you are the same? ;-)
    .-= Hannah´s last blog ..Hard =-.

  9. M. Bailey April 19, 2010 6:22 pm edit

    I still remember taking a university course (accounting actually – ha!) where we talked about checks and balances; and about making sure our life was always ‘balanced’. Makes a bit more sense now than it did in university. In the same class, we also had to do some relection (I know, in accounting, really?) about — what would we do if we had a million dollars. We all wrote ambitiously about what we wanted to do if only we had a million dollars. Then the professor said – I challenge you to go and do it. After all, it’s only money (ha!). Boy, when I figure out what I want to do if I had a million dollars, I’ll go do it right away. Still not sure what that something is (at my ripe age of 33!). If you DO know what that is, I say go for it!! You only live once and hey, it’s only money. :)
    .-= M. Bailey´s last blog ..smartiebailey: home time! =-.

  10. Kerri Anne April 20, 2010 9:47 am edit

    I want to hear more about this email you sent that exhilarated and frightened you. Because I am nosy. And because I believe in you, 210%.
    .-= Kerri Anne´s last blog ..Fifteen Years Later =-.

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