It is now September.

While the calendar tells me that it is still summer, the feeling of the atmosphere outside has turned.

The sun is lower in the sky. The air is crisper.  The scent of autumn is starting to waft through our home.

The past weekend was the Labour Day weekend.  It is a completely appropriate name as we spent much of the weekend labouring.  Matthew worked on building a fence, I worked on cleaning and organizing our home.

While sorting clothes and scrubbing toilets I got a little misty.  The urine streaks were enough to draw tears, but that was not the entire picture.  I pondered as to what it was that made me so emotional.

Part of it is that I do not do well with change.  Change is good, yes, but it always causes issues for me.  Whether the change is good or bad I consistently have a hard time with it all.  I get a little angry, a little weepy, a little out of sorts.  All it usually takes is a good cry and I can move forward.

Why the drama over the seasons?  They are completely and utterly out of my hand.  Nothing I say or do will cause them to stop, to stay, to reverse themselves.

I think that I go through a small period of mourning.

Summer, in all of her glory, is fading. Fast.  She is facing her twilight and is on the door of her demise.  Autumn is a baby in the belly of Nature.  She is in her fortieth week of pregnancy. She is ready to birth, ready to arrive, ready to begin.  She just needs for Summer to breathe her last so that she can spring forth with leaves of gold, crisps of apples, mugs of cocoa.

Summer is holding on.  She is not ready to let go quite yet.  She gives you afternoons of sunshine and of warmth.  She gives you glimpses of all of the splendor and glory she bathed you in only a few short weeks ago.

It is not the same.  You know it is diminishing and you need to brace yourself for her end.

This season’s change coincides with the fact that Graham, my oldest child, started Grade One this week.

He will be in school full time.  He will spend thirty hours a week at school.  Away from home. Away from his brother and sister. Away from me.

I have made jokes all summer about how I have been waiting for this day.  Thirty hours of kid-free time.  Was there some way I could send the younger two as well?  That would be awesome.

Now that the day is here, however, my feelings are a mixed bag.  I want him to go.  I do. He is a social creature who loves to learn, who loves his friends, who loves his school.  He has been looking forward to the start of this school year ever since he finished Kindergarten in June.

Part of me is sad for all that I will miss.  That he will miss.

I will not know every minute detail if his day.  Of the words that are said, the games that are played, the memories that are made.

He will not be party to all of my outings. Of trips to run errands, of play dates with friends, of memories that are made.

This little man who once lived in my womb is no longer attached to my physically. He grows taller, bigger, smarter.  He runs faster, thinks quicker, loves more deeply.

The cord was cut almost six years ago, but the bond will never be broken.

Ever.

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  1. She Likes Purple September 2, 2008 2:43 pm edit

    I love this post. It’s just wonderful.

    Also, you made me even more ready for fall. The mugs of cocoa reference almost had me drooling.

    She Likes Purple’s last blog post..Important Decisions

  2. hills September 2, 2008 2:54 pm edit

    I feel exactly the same way about the seasons changing. Part of me gets a little weepy and part of me gets a little excited. I don’t want summer to end but autumn means pumpkin pie! my birthday! Hallowe’en! But the rain, oh the rain. I am not looking forward to that part.

    hills’s last blog post..The Littlest Things That Take Me There I Know It Sounds Lame But Its So True

  3. Jen September 2, 2008 3:23 pm edit

    Wah! :(

    Jen’s last blog post..What a Difference a Year Makes

  4. Camels & Chocolate September 2, 2008 3:28 pm edit

    I love that now that summer’s over everywhere else, it’s finally hit us in the Bay Area!

  5. Michele September 2, 2008 4:24 pm edit

    Wow…Great post…I’ve always found the beginning of September so emotional too. It’s time to end all the late nights and slow down on the play dates and get back to routine. And as much as I love routine, it’s bittersweet! Wishing an amazing year for Graham, and his mommy too!

  6. Hannah September 2, 2008 5:20 pm edit

    I love how you wrote about the seasons – just beautiful.
    As for Graham going to school, I know how you’re feeling. I REALLY miss Ethan. I love having him around and now he’s … not. So I “get” what you’re saying here, I really do.
    It’s so hard to let them go and watch them grow up :-(

    Hannah’s last blog post..?Snow? much fun!

  7. Shelly Schmelzle September 2, 2008 5:49 pm edit

    My oldest child, also a boy who is 5 1/2 started all day Kindergarten (have to be 5 here to be eligible for K) last week and I feel just like you do. It is such a bittersweet time, he is ready, he loves school, but he is no longer just mine. His world is so much bigger than me now and it will only continue to get bigger and bigger. I”m afraid if I blink, he will be gone. I already miss him so but he is so ready to fly. We’ve all worked so hard to prepare them and this is what we’ve prepared them for, to grow, learn and love and live. Sigh.

  8. Kami September 2, 2008 5:58 pm edit

    I am right there with you…though never as eloquently as you!

    Lovely post Angella, just fantastic :-)

    Kami’s last blog post..Happy Birthday to my main squeeze!

  9. joyce September 2, 2008 7:16 pm edit

    He’s just beaming! He looks so proud of himself.

    And being from Montreal (now Ottawa)…although I love summer, most days here are UNBAREABLY hot and humid. I LOVE when the temperature drops and the leaves change color. Fall is my favorite season.

    joyce’s last blog post..Hot Air Balloon Festival in Gatineau

  10. slynnro September 2, 2008 8:07 pm edit

    If you get overly nostaligic for summer, you can always come to Texas where it will be 90 until November. RELIVE THE PAST! IN TEXAS!

    slynnro’s last blog post..What My Trip to Target Hath Wrought

  11. bethany actually September 2, 2008 8:08 pm edit

    You are making me really jealous with your talk of crisp apples and hot cocoa and turning leaves. Now that I live in SoCal I don’t really get seasons anymore. :-( I will especially miss fall! Enjoy it extra for me, will you?

    G is in grade one already? Wow. I cannot even think about Annalie starting preschool without wanting to curl up into the fetal position. Which might be why she isn’t starting preschool this year…her mama is too much of a weenie.

    bethany actually’s last blog post..30 tiny moments hath September

  12. Kristin September 2, 2008 9:39 pm edit

    He looks SO happy to be going to school! That is great!

    I totally see why you are a little sad though…

  13. Elizabeth September 2, 2008 9:55 pm edit

    He is oh so handsome.
    I’m sure he’ll have a great year!

    Elizabeth’s last blog post..9999 in less than 9 months

  14. Lisa C. September 3, 2008 4:05 am edit

    Awww. Made my eyes water. I feel the same.exact.way about my daughter. She’s almost 5 ~ but still in 4K (her birthday is after the cut off here). She goes EVERY day this year (from 9-12:00). She just started yesterday & I don’t like it already! I’m selfish … & want her with me.
    Hang in there … I’m praying that you’ll be ok with the change.

  15. Tamara September 3, 2008 10:19 am edit

    I totally get how you feel. I always thought I would be so happy so send my kids to school and have a little bit of kid-free time. As it turns out, I can hardly bear the thought. I am actually excited about fall. I love the leaves and the hot chocolate and having a warm cozy fire in the fireplace. I am just glad that I get to hang on to my little one for one more year.

  16. Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children September 3, 2008 12:18 pm edit

    Bittersweet. Logically I know that this day will come for me, too. One day I won’t be privy to the details of my own children’s lives.

    On bad days, like today, it sounds like heaven. Most days, though, I could get weepy just at the thought.

    Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children’s last blog post..I don’t have a title, okay?

  17. ali September 3, 2008 12:22 pm edit

    i know that feeling…of not wanting them to be able to even exist without you being there. i had it too, when emily first went to school. but now, it’s amazing! that these little creatures have these great things that are just theirs!

  18. Heather September 3, 2008 1:07 pm edit

    Beautiful post

  19. Loralee September 3, 2008 1:09 pm edit

    The day that I smell the change in the air (you know what I’m talking about) I get depressed.

    Even though I LOVE the fall.

    It’s my favorite season.

    I don’t do well with change.

    Loralee’s last blog post..Letting down my state one craft project at a time

  20. metalia September 3, 2008 1:36 pm edit

    SO beautiful.

    *Sniff, sniff*

    metalia’s last blog post..Lusty Turtles, Sneaky Children and Other Tales from my Vacation

  21. Kristabella September 3, 2008 2:01 pm edit

    I’m so ready for fall. I’m tired of sweating and humidity. I want to wear jeans and long sleeve shirts. I think this is the first time I’ve ever actually said that.

    My nephew started first grade last week. When he got home and my SIL asked him how it went, he said “Oh man, it was so long. I thought I was going to have to sleep there.”

    Kristabella’s last blog post..My Brain Is Already Unemployed

  22. The Over-Thinker September 3, 2008 2:56 pm edit

    Ya know, I think you’re skinny enough to fit in his ginormous back-pack. They’ll never know!

    xoxo

    The Over-Thinker’s last blog post..I, (State Your Name), “I, State Your Name.”

  23. Rachel September 3, 2008 3:38 pm edit

    I am the EXACT same way about change. The past 2 days I have been so incredibly emotional it’s scary. I always get that way with change too! I feel your pain.

    Rachel’s last blog post..A Miracle

  24. LVGurl September 3, 2008 3:47 pm edit

    First grade? That’s serious business! Official Big Kid-dom.

    I’d be melancholy too ;)

    I miss the smell of fall… leaves, crisp air… ah… We have two seasons here, HOT & sunny and COLD & sunny.

    LVGurl’s last blog post..One fire, many irons

  25. Mrs. Wilson September 3, 2008 4:18 pm edit

    Aw! I always hate the fact that I miss out on so much of Kaylie’s day as well. You get used to it, kind of. I hope he’s loving Grade 1!!

    Mrs. Wilson’s last blog post..Making it home

  26. tracey September 4, 2008 9:23 am edit

    That was a lovely post. I feel invigorated in the fall, but I understand the feelings you mean with the seasonal changes. School always kicks me down and makes a sap out of me…

    tracey’s last blog post..Someday…

  27. Liane September 8, 2008 6:54 pm edit

    I just found your blog through SAJ and your post there…am enjoying reading through some of your posts. I, too, have 3 little ones and my oldest just started first grade. I felt like I could relate to lots of what you wrote and it’s fun to find another great blog!

    Liane’s last blog post..All I really need to know I learned in….first grade

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