Forgiveness is something that I’ve wrestled with for as long as I can remember. When is it extended? How is it extended? What does it look like in action? Where do you go after it’s been offered?
When I was younger I knew that forgiveness was something that the Bible told you to do and as such, I should probably be willing to forgive. I could see the reasoning behind it; people are supposed to know us by our love. What better way to show love to another than by telling them they are forgiven? The slate has been wiped clean and they no longer need to feel the burden of the wrong they had inflicted.
While I was willing to forgive others, a part of me wanted the other person to actually be sorry. This does not stem from a holier than thou, “YOU MUST REPENT” stance, but from the way I am inherently wired.
I am a person who is greatly pained if I hurt another person, whether it be intentional or accidental. If I even think I have hurt someone with either my words or deeds I become nauseous and anxious to make everything better. If it turns out that I have, indeed, wounded someone I will do everything in my power to make it better. I will apologize for any and all wrongs I have committed. Heck, I will apologize for things that are not even my doing in an attempt to make amends. The flip side of it is that if I tell someone that I have been hurt by them, I assume that they would react the same way. If they do not, I am even further crushed because it feels as though they don’t care enough about me to want to smooth the waters.
A few years ago I came to the realization that forgiveness is not really about being a “good example” or about hoping that the offending party is willing to make the same efforts as you make towards them. Forgiveness is about you. It’s about acknowledging the hurt, crying through it and then letting it go. Who wants to spend their life harboring bitterness and resentment? It just festers and builds until you become nothing but a reflection of all of the hatred you are clinging onto. Forgiving others sets you free to live and to love.
A few years ago there was an incident where I was deeply hurt by words a friend said to me. She is wired as I am and was quick to approach me with tears and an apology. I had already forgiven her, of course, but the fact that she was just as crushed as I was made the hurt have a little less sting. It was not the first time this had happened between us and I found myself tussling with the fact that I had forgiven her but did not know if I could trust her. I happened to run into our pastor at the gym the day after he had spoken on forgiveness; I told him that I agreed with everything he had said but that I struggled with whether or not I could trust the offender again. He then said something to me that has rung in my ears each and every time I have had to deal with forgiving another:
Forgiveness and trust are two different things.
We talked some more and the outcome of that conversation has been a steadying force when my world has been rocked. While the best thing I can do for myself is to forgive others in order to release myself from the burden of anger, I have also been given a heart that needs to be guarded. My job is to nurture my heart. To fill it with good and with love and to purge it of hatred. While the process of forgiveness can be a painful one, the wounds inflicted serve as a reminder that I need to be careful whose hands I place my heart in. If they’ve crushed it before, nothing is to say that they won’t do it again. I need to be discerning when it comes to the matters of my heart.
Why am I writing this all out right now? Because this weekend has found me in that place where my insides were ripped apart and I shed enough tears to consider me covered for the rest of the year’s tear quota. (Matthew and I are fine. In fact, we are better than fine. We are awesome.)
What cut me the most was not the bitter barbs, the unjustified accusations or the hateful words about my husband, my children, my very being. What left me sitting with a heart torn in two was the fact that someone who is supposed to be one of my biggest cheerleaders is the exact opposite. My happiness angers them. My beautiful, loving, healthy family of five is just one more reason that they hate me. Instead of rejoicing with me in my accomplishments they sit there waiting to hear of something going wrong in my life because that is what brings them happiness.
It is backwards. It is twisted. It is sad. It is the opposite of love.
I can no longer allow myself and my family to be poisoned by issues that are beyond my control. I have felt the hurt, forgiven it, and let it go. I don’t think that there is anything else I can do.
My words fall on deaf ears, my attempts to help them break free from the misery they are in are not only ignored, they are mocked. I cannot help someone who refuses to help themselves. I also have a responsibility to my husband and my children to love them fully and not let anything detract from the time and love I share with them.
If they one day choose to see all of the damage they have caused and make strides towards rectifying it, I will of course be happy to receive that. But is it likely to happen? No. Do I dare hold out any hope that I will be proven wrong? Absolutely not.
I have put a bandage over the part of my heart that was ripped out this weekend. The wounds will one day heal, though the scars will remain. I’d like to state for the record that I happen to like scars.
They are evidence that while I may be beaten and bruised, I will never be broken.
30 Comments
It SUCKS that you are going through this, Angella. My heart breaks for you, because I have been in this position before with a “so-called” friend. You are completely right. That is NOT love, it is the opposite of love. I know that nothing I say can heal those wounds, but please know that I LOVE YOU, and I wish I could give you a REAL hug right now! Unfortunately there are people in this life who just cannot bear to be happy for others. But that is not friendship. Friends bear one another’s burdens and share one another’s joys. I know you have many other friends and family members who do exactly that – I hope you can find some healing by surrounding yourself with them and soaking in their love, and in God’s PERFECT love.
Hannah´s last blog ..My shining star 
It makes me sad that this comes from someone who is supposed to love and support you. Even worse if it’s coming from a family member. But your pastor is right. Forgiveness and trust are two totally different things. And your little family of 5 is too awesome to let other people’s misery bring you down. So good for you!
xo
Comment by Carrisa on February 15th, 2010 @ 7:26 amWOW. Do you ever read someone’s post and feel like you’ve just gotten a message you really needed, at the exact moment you needed to hear it? Almost like a sermon? THANK YOU, ANGELLA, for giving me one of those moments! I am struggling with this right now with my dad, and I SO needed to hear (from someone far removed from the situation) that it is not wrong to refuse to trust someone who has hurt you. It IS wrong to refuse to forgive them, but that’s a whole different thing. Trust is something that must be earned, while forgiveness is (almost by definition) unearned, a lived example of grace. God bless you, Angella, and may you know that He used you today to speak to my hurting heart.
Comment by Brittany on February 15th, 2010 @ 8:33 amDude. NOT COOL!!!! I’m sorry!!! My rules of life say that I don’t allow people to get close to me so that I don’t have to feel the way of this post. But I also don’t get to feel the JOY of a close friend.
I’m sorry that this friend hurt you. It SUCKS. But there are SO VERY VERY many more people who love you, respect you, admire you, and just think you’re plain AWESOME.
Boo to the haters.
Comment by Jen Wilson on February 15th, 2010 @ 8:52 amAgain, your post is timely for me in my life. A week ago a joke was played on me that wounded me. I let one of those involved know that I was embarrassed and upset. I got, “You are too sensitive”. “You have to learn to laugh at yourself and let things slide off your back”. “I am sorry that you are upset but disagree with why”. This is someone who was supposed to be protective of me and care about me and I got disdane, a lecture and a non apology. Trust is severely damaged, but I can’t bring it up because it will go no where. So, it dawned on me this weekend that I need to forgive this person or it will weigh me down completely. I think that today I will make a concerted effort to do just that. Thanks for the post and the nudge!
Comment by Lisa on February 15th, 2010 @ 9:20 amI meant to also say “hugs” to you. I am sorry that you were attacked in that manner.
Comment by Lisa on February 15th, 2010 @ 9:21 amLike others, this was a post I needed to read – to hear about the differences between forgiveness and trust. I am just sorry you are going through your own pain in order to write this post.
Comment by Suzy on February 15th, 2010 @ 9:30 amOh sweetie, I’m sorry you’re going through this! This totally blows! I’ve recently gone through something with a friend I’ve had forever and it was hard to decide to not have her a part of my life, but it was also for the best. You shouldn’t have anyone in your life that isn’t helping you, or there for you. Friends shouldn’t make you feel bad!
HUGS!
Kristabella´s last blog ..I’m……Well, Overwhelmed Is A Good Word For It
Oh, Angella – I think I know what you are talking about and I know it’s mind-bogglingly hard. I witnessed my husband go through the same thing at the start of our relationship and it was like walking over a cliff, hoping you made the right choice. I can say after 12+ years on the other side that the landing, even though it was rough, was nothing compared to the situation he was in before taking that last and final step. There have been a couple of timid tires at forgiveness but they ended up hurting even worse and we have gone several years with zero contact. It’s hard, and sometime it makes both of us sad but in the long run he is so much better off and we are a much happier and stronger couple, parenting team and family. Big hugs to you as you move through this.
Comment by kakaty on February 15th, 2010 @ 10:12 amI’m so sorry this happened to you, Angella.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from personal attacks, it’s that I have vowed never to inflict such hurt on others. What purpose does it serve to bring others down?
If someone did this to you in anger, I think about what has been said often said about anger- that anger is sadness, masked. Whoever this person is, they are very unhappy and took out their unhappiness on a kind target- you, unfortunately.
It’s wrong to take pleasure in sucking the joy out of another person’s life. They should be happy for you. Heck, I don’t know you and I’M happy for how well you are doing with your family and career.
Comment by Ninabi on February 15th, 2010 @ 10:22 ami’ve been reading you for quite some time, and i love your posts. we have an expression in our family to cover times when things start to work on us, especially things that are out of our control (like other people and what they do and say) and that expression is “swat it to the ground”. it means that we cannot let what others do (say, don’t do, don’t say, ignore, blow up, whatever) affect us. people who hurt you (on purpose, by design, by ommission, whatever) should be swatted to the ground! i think you’re doing great (for what that’s worth) and your family seems to be thriving so just let that negativity fall to the floor. you do not have to catch it! have a great monday 
So hard. You have gone through so much of this sort of thing with people who are supposed to love you unconditionally and it makes me so sad for you. 
Amanda Brown´s last blog ..Two to One
Scars are battle wounds, each one changing us as they come. They make us interesting, make us stronger, and make us who we are. Sometimes they give us a good story to tell, sometimes they don’t. But, even when it happens that you end up with a scar, I know that it won’t break you, I (and other people who love you) wouldn’t let it.
xo
Comment by karen on February 15th, 2010 @ 12:53 pmWell, that bites. Sounds like a person who is full of jealousy. Are they going to end up reading about it on here?
Mama in the City´s last blog ..Fun Fabulous Giveaway From Purl Mama & Baby!
I’m sorry that you’re having such a difficult time right now, lady. It makes me sad that someone close to you is treating you so poorly. Your pastor’s words about forgiveness and trust are very wise but also very difficult to follow sometimes. I hope that you are able to follow your heart and protect yourself and your family from further damage. Just because we feel like we should feel a certain way towards someone (in my case, a family member) doesn’t mean that it’s always possible. I try to remind myself that it’s okay to love someone while not liking them very much. And just because I love someone doesn’t mean that they need to be an active part of my life. I can love hurtful people from afar, thankyouverymuch!
hillary´s last blog ..Honey It’s Been A Long Time Coming And I Can’t Stop Now Such A Long Time Running
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I know you’re one tough cookie but still, I hate to see you in pain. xo
sizzle´s last blog ..Weekend Elation
You are strong and courageous, and because of your faith and your loving hubby and family this too shall pass. Sad to be so far when you’re hurting again. ((HUGS)). Maybe you should allow yourself a DC or two today….
Oh Ange….what more can life throw at you?
Comment by christy on February 15th, 2010 @ 6:50 pmI am with Mama in the City…this person is a raging pot of jealousy. It’s unfortunate that we, as humans, react this way. I’ll be honest, I think we all do it to some extent. But it isn’t right and sometimes, no matter how much we love someone or valued their friendship, it’s time to move on. Protect your heart Angella, as you said that’s your job. When someone becomes toxic, it’s time to cut it off. I have done it and it makes me terribly sad and I wonder how I could have avoided it but in the end, it’s been the best thing.
Sending you really big hugs!
Kami’s Khlopchyk´s last blog ..TGIF
I was recommended by a friend to read your blog as I am going through this forgiveness/trust thing right now. Your words is what I needed to hear and be reminded of. As well I give my heart easily and a reminder to keep care of my heart and to be very picky who I give it to. May you feel God’s peace that only comes from Him in this time of hurt. One thing I have learned about forgiveness is it is being willing to take the emotional pain that person caused you and you become free. Thank-you for sharing.
Comment by Debbie on February 15th, 2010 @ 10:46 pmUgh. That’s it and that’s all. Ugh.
Praying that God’s comfort (which is the best there is) finds you every day as you deal with continuing to heal.
Elizabeth´s last blog ..Playing with our food
I am learning forgiveness, never been easy for me, but I was never really shown how to do it right either. I think forgiveness incorporates many other actions, like talking it out, listening, letting go of bitterness, dealing with the betrayal etc. But if people don’t respond to your actions as you try to forgive, it seems to open up a whole new world of hurt, and the cycle begins again. I am seeing forgiveness as my job and I am TRYING to do my part, though it is so very hard when the other party seems oblivious to it all.
My maid of honour has been out of my life almost since our wedding day. Maybe she was jealous, maybe I said something, but she refused to talk. She betrayed me to friends and even went after my ex boyfriends in an attempt to hurt me(so it seemed to me). When I confronted her, she said she did nothing wrong and I should get over myself. She has never acknowledged the birth of my children, and when she does see me, she is cold and aloof. I think I am past the hurt, I have forgiven her, but I just don’t understand. Maybe that’s not the point, but it still kinda sucks. Sorry to hear that this has happened at all…I understand the pain.
This breaks my heart. I’m sorry for the hurt you have suffered and I feel sorry for the person who hurt you. I feel pity because it is a very sad person who would wish such horrible things on someone…especially a friend. It makes me sick. Hugs to you, dear.
Comment by Momo Fali on February 16th, 2010 @ 5:31 pmWow — you are so much stronger than I am, and I am grateful for your example. I have been dealing with this issue for 10 years and there is no end in sight, unfortunately. I am glad you have lots of loving support — it does make all the difference!
Comment by JenniferB on February 16th, 2010 @ 6:19 pmI too have had a similar experience this winter and have come to the same conclusion. But it still hurts. Your not alone and I will pray for your healing along with mine. God bless.
Susie´s last blog ..My Prince
Honey, I am so sorry for you to have to go through this. It simply stinks. Many ((((Hugs)))))
Heather @ Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..The Bliss Recap is on hold today due to a Lion
Doesn’t sound like an awful weekend – hope your week is going better! I like the acknowledgment that forgiveness and trust are separate things. Trust is an earned thing and relates more to the other person’s behaviour, but forgiveness is something we do to ease our own soul. Wishing you well,
Laurie´s last blog ..Memory Lane Monday: Olympic Edition
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Comment by My Side Of The Story | Dutch Blitz on March 16th, 2010 @ 12:12 am
Oh, Ange. I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain right now. I’d like to call you right now but it’s too late. I’m just so sorry. You don’t deserve this.
Comment by Tamara on February 15th, 2010 @ 12:42 am