I have read a number of articles on the “nature versus nurture” debate.
“Experts” weigh in on what forms the character of your child.
Is it “nature“? Is it simply part of who you are and how you fit into the gender role that you have been born into?
Or is it “nurture“? That regardless of gender, you will be whatever you are surrounded with in your environment?
I may be no “expert”, but I have two boys and one girl. Based on that (limited) experience (and from talking to many other mothers), I think I know the answer.
BOYS AND GIRLS ARE INHERENTLY DIFFERENT.
I would not classify myself as a “feminist”.
From what I have read, hard core feminists want to strip men of their manhood and women of their womanhood. Women should be cutthroat and men should be, um, pansies.
This is not to say that I advocate oppressing women. This is not the case.
I just think that women and men are both born (generally) with inherent qualities and characteristics that are different.
THIS IS A GOOD THING.
I also believe in God. And while God is often referred to as a “He”, great books that I have read support how the inherent characteristics of men and the inherent characteristics of women, when put together, form a complete picture of the amazing characteristics of God. But that is a different post. Or twelve.
Onwards.
I have two boys, who are all about the superheroes! And the cars! And the fighting!
I have to tell you that apart from The Incredibles and Cars and Toy Story, the boys have not watched anything about the Big Superheroes.
And yet? They love Spiderman and Batman and Superman. They have never seen them on TV, but they know that they are SUPERHEROES. And they want to BE JUST LIKE THEM.
Boys.
I then went and got knocked up again, only to have a GIRL.
This girl of mine is but sixteen months old. Since before her first birthday, she has been drawn to pink and purple and all things pastel. It has not been my doing.
Oh, no.
Until recently, I lived in the realm of black and brown (with a hint of white thrown in for good measure)
When we are around anything girly, she is ALL OVER IT.
She points, she exudes excitement, SHE WANTS IT.
Case in point.
Tonight we headed to Payless Shoes as a family.
Honey was looking for sandals for Mexico while I took Emily and Nathan to look for new shoes for them. She bee-lined it straight for some pink sparkly sandals and walked around with one in each hand until we left the store.
We then walked over to Wal*Mart. Honey took the kids to trash wander the toy department while I filled the shopping cart with the items on our list.
Once I was finished, I headed to the Toy Department to find my family.
The boys were in the BOY aisle, pushing buttons on trucks (better the trucks, than touching my buttons) and Miss Emily was one aisle over.
Sitting on a Disney Princesses chair.
She put up quite the fight when we told her it was time to leave. The teen years are going to be awesome.
Yes. Yes, they are.
She is girl. And I love it.
The boys are boys. And I love it.
Is it so bad to embrace the differences? While also celebrating them for all that they mean?
I really don’t think so.
But I am no “expert”, so what do I know?
I think it’s amazing to be different. I’m just reading a book called Fight Like a Girl that talks all about the great gift we have as women to be, well, women! It also talks about how God has given each gender such specific and purposed roles. It’s so great to see kids grow into those roles, girls being girlie and boys being – boyish (is that the right word?).
Anyways, I think you’ve hit this nail right on the head. Great post.
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Boys and girls ARE different and I think it is great!
God totally knows what he is doing!
Emily in the chair is so cute. I think she might need one.
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I feel so lucky to have both in my life.
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Amen ange
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I have also noticed that boys tend to be “busier” while girls are more emotional. I have 2 girls so what do I know! Thanks for the thought provoking post
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i’m with you…my girls came out “girls” and my boy came out a “boy” and it had nothing to do with me!
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You are very wise. I feel exactly the same way having one boy who came out of the womb clutching a truck and the other boy who crashed out of the womb with all the crazy might that is Kamden.
It’s a good thing!
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Heh. I feel you. Since I only had two boys, I wrote a slightly different take on the very same topic
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This is a very interesting post, because I think about nature vs. nurture all the time! I wonder how much is inherent in my girls, and how much is from Andrew’s and my influence.
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i do consider myself a feminist and yet i cringe when i hear how it is often defined because that isn’t my feminism. my feminism embraces the differences in women and men but does not put one gender’s qualities OVER another. the problem many feminists have (me included) is that male qualities are deemed better/more important and given way more power in our society. i think this has shifted greatly thanks to many outspoken women who didn’t keep silent.
and with that said, i am tickled when i see your daughter sitting on her princess chair. because every girl should know what she likes! right?
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so cute! I love it when girls are girly, and boys are boy-y!
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My “extensive” experience tells me the exact same thing about my kids…the boys are ALL BOY, and the girls are so totally feminine…even when they’re being tomboys!!!
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I disagree! But I’m not a troll! I swear! I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks now, and I love your photos and your kids are adorable. I have to respectfully disagree on a few points, though. While I do agree that males and females are physically/biologically different in many, many ways – and they “come out” with those differences when they are born – I believe that our concept of gender (note: gender, not sex, different things) is largely a social construct.
You say your little girl was drawn to pink and purple from infancy, but I have to ask: what colour was she wearing when you brought her home from the hospital? What kinds of outfits and toys did you receive at her baby shower? What colour did you decorate her nursery, or what colour was her bedspread when you laid her down on it for the first time?
When your sons were very small and they reached for a doll or some other “girly” toy out of curiosity, did your husband squirm and redirect them to a truck or superhero figurine?
I’m not trying to attack you or your beliefs, and I’m not saying that gender socialization is entirely wrong, or that doing these things make a parent bad. Actually I believe that for the most part this kind of socialization is unavoidable and serves some positive purposes (though I’m not sure if the positives outweigh the negatives).
I’m just saying that we are largely unaware of the way children are raised to be “girl” or “boy”.
No, I don’t have kids. And I’m sure that when I do I’ll see some of the same differences about the way that my girls and boys turn out – but I’m going to wonder like crazy whether it was “nature” or “nurture”.
This is a great post – it has me thinking. My blog is on hiatus right now (which is why I didn’t link to it) but when I have it back up and running, I’ll write a big long post about all the things I think about this! And I’m sure everyone will be so interested in reading! (I hear the collective groans:)
Please don’t hate me for disagreeing, everyone! I’d like to hear what people think in response, but Angella if you didn’t want this to turn into a discussion, well, then I apologize and feel free to delete this!
PS: Sorry for the long comment!
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oh my gosh that is so long – I’m embarrassed. Apologies.
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You have good point, and I am not offended at all. I am not saying that nurture has no part it in, but that nature has a larger part in who a child is.
I can state that from my experience, and from the experience of my friends who have kids, this is what we have observed:
If you put girls and boys in a room full of toys, the girls gravitate towards “girl” toys and the boys towards the “boy” toys. This starts before they are even one!
If there are only girl toys around, my boys will make them be superheroes and make them crash and explode.
My experience with my kids and those of my friends is that boys and girls are simply wired differently
I should also add that it is only recently that I have added pink to my daughter’s room – she has been using the “boy” bedding since she was a baby
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God is WAY too creative to have made man and woman to be the same!!!
Great post! I’m for nature AND nurture. I believe that their personality is THEIRS and you cannot change that, but I believe that children turn out different in different households. Wholesome stable home vs. massively disfunctional home? Yup, different.
But that’s just me.
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Glad to know that my son is not the only one that likes super heroes and has never seen them on television.
Excellent post!
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I’m sure boys and girls are quite different, I just can’t see it first-hand with my own offspring. I do know that my boys are VERY different to my how my sister and I were as kids. Not only that, they are VERY different to each other!
It’s all part of the learning process, I guess!
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You mean to tell me that the Princess didn’t get to bring her royal throne home? It’s probably a good thing that the whole Disney princess thing wasn’t as big when I was younger because I would have been all over it!
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Having two boys and a girl they were inherently different from day one. My girl preferred Lego over Barbie and is a sports diva the boys never were. Rock concerts are the boys passion. She dislikes pink unless it is a breast cancer awareness T Shirt but purple is her favourite colour. I am not a fan of purple she was never dressed in it as a little girl. When she went to Kindergarten I was amazed at all the little girls who were ready to take on the world. The sad part is by Grade 5 many of those girls worried too much about boys, make up and how fat they were, that was nurture and society at play. Nature sets the stage but what happens along the way is what makes us who we are.
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I think it is a mixture.
My daughters are as different from each other, as they are from their brother. They were all different personalities from day one. They are four totally different people. They all fit some gender stereo-types and not others.
I read an interesting study in university, where the exact same baby was dressed as a boy then as a girl and the differences in the way he/she was treated where extremely different.
The same baby dressed as a boy was referred to as a “big strong boy” … he was bounced, tickled, etc. lots of noise and laughter.
The same baby dressed as a girl was referred to as “delicate, tiny, sweet” … and was passed around very carefully, there was lots of shushing and whispers.
It was done over and over and over again with different babies and the same results.
That said … I do think males/females are different (you can see that by looking right? hehe), but I think the gap is widened tremendously by environment.
Feminism to me, is simply the promotion of women’s rights, interests, and issues. To ensure that individuals (women too) have equal rights, including an equal claim under the law to their own persons and property.
For the majority of the world this is not the case.
Great post!
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I’m not a troll either! And I agree that girls and boys are inherently different. But thank goodness we have the choice to choose how we want to be as women. There was one point in your post which is fruitful grounds for debate- and again, I’m not trolling.
It frustrates me to see the stereotypes of feminism being spoken by women who are reaping the rewards (ie basic human and civil rights; a quick example is the right to have our voices heard- do you think women bloggers would have had a voice if the internet had existed 100 years ago?).
We have the liberty to be “girly”, to choose to be more moderate than the militant feminists, to shy away from that. My belief though, is that without those extremes of behaviour once exhibited by feminists back in the day, as women we would still have no choices.
Here in the UK, women have the right to vote thanks to an extreme and, yes, militant group of women who chained themselves to railings, and in one case threw herself under a horse and died. Not very feminine behaviour- but thank goodness they displayed it.
That world seems a million miles and a thousand years away from our reality, but it wasn’t that long ago; look around the world and you can see that there is a hair’s breadth between freedom and opression- as Western women we’re the right side of that tiny division, but without feminism, we wouldn’t be.
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I’m not disagreeing, but I’m not agreeing either.
Boys and girls are different but each child is unique too. My son has male friends who are far gentler than some of his female buddies (who he gravitates to, especially the one that’s an awesome climber, he loves to hang out with her because she challenges him physically). He happens to be very boyish himself, but that doesn’t prove the rule.
I think that while we recognize gender differences we have to make sure that we leave room for each child to decide for themselves where they want to fit in on the spectrum. (I’m not at all saying you’re not doing that Angella!)
As for feminism – feminism made the world a place where I could get my degree in physics, where I could get a PhD and work in science, and where I can balance it all with motherhood as best I can. So yes, I’m definitely a feminist. However, I’m definitely not anti-man, I’d never have got where I was without the unconditional love and support from two of the most important people in my life, my dad and my husband. Those who want us to believe in either fixed gender roles and those who want to make us all alike are equally wrong in my books.
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Mommyknows – that’s exactly what I was talking about. I wanted to mention that study, but I had already written so much! I don’t mean to sound extreme either, I do believe that some differences are inherent, but from my studies in university there is too much evidence for how environment creates a large part of who we are. Definitely, genetics play a huge role, but we are only on the tip of the iceberg when it comes to understanding all of that.
I love the discussion about feminism, too. I’m so grateful for the women who’ve blazed the trail before me.
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Hoo boy…
I did not mean to start a huge debate. I agree with what you all have said.
I know from my (limited) experience that each and every PERSON, regardless of gender, is unique. I have two boys. They have shown this to me.
I have also noticed that boys and girls have some inherent differences from each other. That was all I was trying to say. As MK mentioned – it all starts with the body parts
I fully appreciate all that feminism has done for equality. I have my CA, and have never encountered a “glass ceiling” when it comes to work.
The “hard-core” feminists I was referring to are articles I have come across that want to build up women by tearing down men. Just because women want to be seen as stronger is no need to parlay men as weaker. That’s not playing fair.
I guess I can some up what I am trying to say by saying this. Every single person in equally unique. And different from each other.
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It’s posts like those that kindle my wish for a son! But, I’m sure son-in-laws will be just as great and then I’ll get to see the differences in person!
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I agree. I was babysitting my niece and nephew this weekend and my nephew was all about cars and games. And my niece was constantly putting on her dress-up high heels and jewelry without being prompted.
But nuture definitely plays a part. My brother was raised in a house with 3 women and it definitely shows with the way he is with his wife and his children.
But he still likes tools and games and cars and sports.
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Never apologize for posting something like this, Angella–you’re not a Mommy-Mannequin (although you’re so darn perfectly gorgeous, I might believe it!)
Firstly (and I promise that this comment won’t end with an “Eleventy” as I can easily do that): I don’t have any children. We desperately want them, but it’s apparently not meant to be at this point. Because of this, I know that my opinions may change drastically once I actually have a little one.
I think that male/female social patterns, preferences, etc. are fascinating. I also believe that rules, patterns and social-norms don’t always come naturally. (If so, I wouldn’t own a flat iron–haha)
That being said, I will enjoy seeing my future-children develop their own unique individualities. And if my future-daughter chooses to dress up like Tony Romo for Halloween and my future son decides he needs a Princess Chair, the only thing I would say is, “Daughter, you shouldn’t wear a Tony Romo costume b/c the Dallas Cowboys are evil, here put this Brett Favre helmet on; and Son, scoot over and make some room for Mommy on the Princess Chair.”
So much for keeping it short and sweet.
Oh, what the hell: Eleventy.
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