How do I love Kerri? Let me count the ways. Well, maybe I’ll save that for another day – if I start listing all of the reasons I love her, I’ll have a whole post written and that’s not the point of having guest bloggers. Kerri and have been friends for, what, three years? Four? We were blog friends first and then there was that fateful afternoon at BlogHer ‘08 in San Francisco where I found myself alone in H&M, crying on the phone to Matthew because I was ALONE in a FOREIGN COUNTRY and WHAT WAS I DOING THERE? Miss Kerri Anne had given me her phone number, so I called her and she promptly invited me to dinner. We’ve gotten closer ever since then, so much so that I’ve been to Portland three different times in the last year and will be there again this coming Friday. She was one of my roommates for BlogHer last year and was going to be again this year if she could have made it work. Kerri is one of those people who have an inner light that warms you up when you’re around them. She’s also ridiculously hilarious, entirely compassionate and writes in a way that inspires me to try harder, to get better. She is also surprising me with the below post (she asked me to write the intro and then give her the keys) and I cannot wait!* to see what she comes up with.

*Exclamation points mid-sentence is one of the (many) Kerri-isms that I love.

***

Hi, I’m Kerri (Anne), and I like movies. A lot. I like talking about movies. A lot. If you ever want to talk about movies with me, it will most likely make my day.

Unless you are going to try to convince me Brendan Fraser was not forced at gunpoint to make (and so badly act in) Journey to the Center of the Earth. No, really, because how could the man responsible for one of the best (and one of my favorite) movies of all time (The Mummy) participate in such cinematic folly? HOW? The writing was not even hilariously horrible, and the special effects were so sad that at one point I swear I saw Bob Ross in the background painting happy trees.

Please, if you know the answer, I beg you to share it. I have considered kidnapping, extortion, potential loss of kneecaps after some bad poker losses in Vegas. Or maybe he just really never backs down from a double dog dare.

But I am digressing. We are not here today to talk about Brendan Fraser. Well, maybe we are, just a little. Mostly we are here today to hear from Nicolas Cage. That’s right, kids. Francis Ford Coppola’s nephew is here with me today, with a heartfelt letter penned to the lovely (and vacationing!) Angella D.

It should be herein stated for the record that Angella, while also loving The Mummy, and thus having impeccable movie taste, loves loathes Nicolas Cage, while I sort of think (The Wicker Man notwithstanding) he’s the Best Thing Ever.

If you engage her in cinematic conversation, Angella will eventually let you know she thinks Nicolas Cage is a) ridiculous; b) super ridiculous; c) creepily ridiculous with a side of bad hair; d) the King of St. Ridiculous; e) all of the above.

Hearing about Angella’s disdain for his acting and overall visage, Mr. Cage decided to write her a personal letter, in the hopes of bringing her over to the dark side winning himself a second chance to infest her heart with his charm and crooked smile.

Dearest Angella,

(May I call you Angella? I hope so. I like to use first names whenever possible. It’s much more personal, don’t you think? Also, do you mind if I stare at a picture of you while I dictate this letter to my secretary? Kerri sent me a great picture of you, knowing as she does how much I rely upon visual aides. And CGI hair, but that’s another story.)

I care about all of my fans, and I want everyone to be a fan of me, which believe me, is much less narcissistic as it probably sounds, and is, in fact, wholly benevolent of me. I just bring so much joy. So much laughter. So many late night fireside conversations about my questionable choices in movie roles.

I know you’re not my biggest fan. Or even any sort of fan. But I’m here to change that. Oh, and believe me, I can. I have the power. The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (Now playing! Check your local theater listings!) is actually auto-biographical. No, really.

Why, pray tell, should you give me a second cinematic chance?

For starters, we already have so much in common!

You have three kids; I have one. But if you count my cinematic children, then I think I have at least three.

You have a motorcycle; so do I! I also once had a motorcycle that could burst into flames and scale skyscrapers, but I’m not trying to brag or anything.

Speaking of not bragging, I think you probably missed me in Ghost Rider, so I thought you should know this totally isn’t CGI:

Yeah, that’s right, ladies. I totally did a ton of sit-ups to get those abs. Because I’m a dedicated actor.

You’ve been quoted in the past as saying,

I hate THAT FACE he makes when “emoting.”

You mean THIS face?

Or maybe this face?

This one?

Or maybe this one?

Yeah, those were all pretty bad. What can I say? Sometimes I just need the money.

While most of the movies referenced above were Total Crap, there are some movies I think you would really enjoy if you would do me the honor of watching them. I even put them into a handy-dandy Top 5 list, because I know how pressed for time a working mother of three can be.

(In addition to being ridiculously talented and a little manic, I’m super sensitive.)

I happen to know for a fact that these are the five movies that made your cinematically savvy friend Kerri fall in love with me in the first place. Not because she thinks I’m particularly handsome, or that I have the best hair (we all know they’re plugs; I’m not ashamed), but because of my acting chops. Not to be confused with my karate chops, though let’s face it, those are pretty amazing, too.

1. The Rock

This is the movie that started it all for Kerri. One she owns, and has probably seen twenty times. A film laden with one science nerd turned reluctant action hero (that would be me), and one British spy turned top secret military consultant (that would be Sir Sean Connery), and droves of super buff Marines.

If that synopsis didn’t sell you, I really don’t know what will. How about amazing comedic timing and action scenes that are at once entertaining and actually realistic?  More realistic than say,  falling out of a plane in a military tank while shooting at a jet (I’m looking at you, Bradley Cooper).

OK, then. How about some pictures of me? Pictures of me are great.

Here I am being Dr. Totally Rad Stanley Goodspeed next to Sean Connery:

Glass or plastic? GLASS OR PLASTIC?

Sorry, I got caught up in the moment there for a second. They gave me some of the best lines in The Rock. When they weren’t giving them to Sean, of course. Speaking of Sean, that man has a beautiful singing voice, I don’t mind telling you.

2. Gone in Sixty Seconds

Don’t listen to the haters. I’m totally awesome in this movie. I’m a misunderstood car thief aficionado named…wait for it…Memphis Raines, and my little bro? This little guy:

Basically I come out of retirement to save his big mouth and steal a ridiculous number of cars, and did I mention the supporting cast is ridiculously rad? Because, man, these are some true Hollywood players. We’ve got Robert Duvall (love that guy), Angelina Jolie (she didn’t have to shower the whole time we were filming; LUCKY); Delroy Lindo (his accent is hilarious, Angella, seriously); Will Patton (think: Armageddon); Scott Caan (think: Ocean’s Eleven).

Oh, and I almost forgot, one of Kerri’s all-time favorites:

Yeah, yeah, that’s Timothy Olyphant. Keep your pants on, yeesh. We all know who the real hero of this movie is.

Oh, Eleanor, I miss you. (Yes, the car has a name. I promise it will make moderately more sense once you watch the movie.)

3. Raising Arizona

I’ll see your cult classic, and raise you my arguably best cinematic performance (and undoubtedly craziest hair).

This movie is so quotable, it should be a crime.

Speaking of crimes! Stealing a baby in a movie? Totally OK. Stealing a baby in real life? Much less OK. Just remember you heard it here first, folks.

4. Face/Off

This is again one of Kerri’s favorite movies of mine, and I’m going to be honest with you: I can’t even tell you what this movie is about. It’s so confusing that half the time I didn’t know who I was while I was on set. But that’s the beauty of acting, you know? Showing up with zer0 idea of who you are and just becoming this other person for the scene. It’s a spiritual process, man. (These tears in my eyes right now are totally real.)

Another beautiful part about acting? Getting to crash really expensive boats into really big docks. It’s OK to be jealous. I really do have the coolest job ever.

5. Kick-A** (Second word rhymes with grass, pass, sufferin’ succotash)

Aha! I bet you didn’t even know I was IN this movie, did you? Kerri didn’t either when she bought her ticket. The trailers did a good job of keeping my role a secret, no doubt to build suspense and make my entrance that much more memorable. Through most of the movie you’re hanging out with this kid and his affinity for heroism and tight green body suits:

But then I walk on screen in a Batman suit after applying bits of fake mustache to my already awesome real mustache. (RIGHT? I can tell you’re excited.) Again, in this case I think nothing does me more justice than a photo:

Boom!

Annnd scene.

I think that concludes this missive to your heart, from the bottom of mine.

I really hope I see you in one of my movie theaters soon and very soon. I promise you won’t regret it. Or, you might. But it will be a noble regret.

P.S. Here’s a bonus role and picture, just for you: Yours truly in Vampire’s Kiss.

Oh, right, like you never did anything you regretted in the ’80s.

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