I haven’t really said much about my Dad since I shared the fact that he has been diagnosed with ALS. There are a myriad of reasons for my silence: the busy holiday season, my return to work, my fear of coming across as trying to play up the drama for the sake of attention. I would hate to disrespect my Dad in any way by making it about me but I have come to the realization that it affects me and thus, really is a little bit about me.
I’m doing…OK. The first week after finding out I was like a woman with PMS that had gone radioactive. As a woman who has one doozy of a day per month, to have a full week of that kind of day, but on steroids, was a little bit much for me to bear. I took the suggestion by a few of you to read Tuesdays With Morrie. It might seem a little crazy but the words of wisdom shared by Morrie in the midst of his deterioration helped to balance out the reality of the suffering that is to come. Regardless, I was often a big, weepy mess. Matthew asked me if I was going to make it through. I did, he did, we all did.
I took Morrie’s advice. I acknowledged my fear, my sadness, my trepidation for the future. I cried it out, worked it out, wrote it out. Then I set it free. I knew those feelings were not gone forever but I chose to let them fly until I needed to tackle them again.
I got back into my usual routine of looking at the positive and focusing on the here and now. “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself.” I have talked to my Dad pretty regularly and he is doing well. He has days where he feels no symptoms whatsoever. The days that he does feel them, they are more of a niggling discomfort, as opposed to an unbearable pain. He’s been filling his time with crossword puzzles and quick trips to the Casino and cracking out the paints and canvas that my siblings bought him for Christmas. He’s been learning how to use his computer and leaves the cutest comments ever. He married his Best Girl Gail on New Year’s Eve and the photos brought me tears of joy. Gail said she only cried when the commissioner said the “In sickness and in health” line. They were to drive up here the next day but winter snowstorms negated that plan. We’ve still yet to see them since hearing the news but it will have to wait until they return from the Caribbean cruise they head out on next week.
I’ve been fine because I focus on the here and now. He’s pretty much the same as ever and is packing his life with goodness. He told me that he feels like this is actually a bit of a blessing because instead of passing suddenly, he has time to see everyone, talk to everyone and make the most of every moment.
So, why am I sitting here writing through tears? Because it is time to tackle my feelings again. Perfectly fitting that I use the term “tackle” as I start writing this; my husband and brother are watching Sunday afternoon football. Sunday morning was spent in church and for the first time since the diagnosis I was in attendance for the portion where we are asked if there is anything that our church family can pray about. I stood, choked up, fanned my face in a failed attempt to stop the tears and was finally able to breathe. I told them about my Dad and asked simply that he not suffer. Most people ask for miracles, and I do too when praying in private, but miracle or not I want him not to be pain-free. I believe that God is bigger than ALS yet I fear asking for more than God has planned. I don’t know if it’s a lack of faith so much, but a lack of hope. There is no known cause for ALS and no known cure. No radiation, no chemotherapy, nothing. I want to believe that God can choose to heal my Dad but I’m scared of being disappointed because the evidence is not in my favor.
Stupid logical mind.
I was blessed to be flanked by two girls who were the exact thing I needed. One is a prayer warrior and one recently lost her Mom with no warning. We missed the bulk of the sermon as we were sharing our thoughts and experiences and man, it was what I needed. I feel like I have kind of shoved my feelings down this past week and it feels good to get it out. Its going to be a long road of ups and downs and while I’m a little down while writing this, it’s all for good. Acknowledge it, feel it, move on.
We are all mortals and will eventually die. We often forget that fact because we are so all-consumed with life but the reality is there. I’m choosing to take my Dad’s (tentative) deadline as a reminder to pack this life with as much awesome as I can. I truly believe in Heaven and that it will be exponentially greater than life here on Earth but that does not mean that life here should be anything less than amazing. I’m going to love fully, live dangerously and take ridiculous chances.
I would be a fool not to.
Do you know the Steve Camp song “Living Dangerously In the Hands of God”? It’s rather old-school Christian rock, and it used to be one of my favorites. The last lines of the chorus are, “Abandoned to grace but anchored in His love/Living dangerously in the hands of God.” In addition to praying for a miracle, praying for strength for you, and praying that your dad won’t suffer, I’ll pray that you, your dad, his best girl Gail, and your whole family will remember that you are in God’s hands, covered with His grace through all that is to come. Love to you, my dear.
See you soon!
.-= bethany actually´s last blog ..photowalk in the sun =-.
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You are a very strong Woman Angella. Hang in there, I will be thinking about you, and your Dad.
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Angella, you are an inspiration. I understand you not wanting to make this about ‘you’, but your dad is a part of you. Of course he is on your mind and in your heart. I hope that writing about this helps. Thinking of you and your dad.
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I have no words of comfort only praise. Praise for you, for your ability to articulate that which is so difficult and for your beautiful heart. May the good Lord give you, your dad and the rest of your family stregth.
xoxoxo
.-= Kami’s Khlopchyk´s last blog ..No Players in This House =-.
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I encourage you to read Psalm 91, it is like a healing balm when my soul is weary.
Praying for YOU today!
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I’ve been praying for you and your dad. I’m glad you were able to find some strength and community at church. That God, He is good!
.-= samantha jo campen´s last blog ..I’m here to make you look good =-.
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I hate the whole choking up part when I talk about something sensitive – glad that you got it out!
Love you
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Hi Angella – so sorry to hear about what you are going thru. I have a good friend with the same experience – I am sure he would be willing to talk with you if you so wished it.
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I understand the stupid logical mind, though I wish it didn’t cause a lack of hope. Thinking of you, lady.
.-= hillary´s last blog ..And I Will Charm I Will Slice I Will Dazzle I Will Outshine Them All =-.
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All I have is *hugs* and *prays*.
I lost my dad 6 years ago after a year and a half battle with one of the ‘most curable’ cancers. It sucked. It still sucks.
Hang tight to your God, your family, & your friends. I know you have the best of all three
.-= Jilian´s last blog ..Granola…. finally! =-.
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I think in these kinds of cases, it is important to stay as positive as you can. And it sounds like both you and your dad are.
HUGS, my friend! xoxo
.-= Kristabella´s last blog ..Obstructed View =-.
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*Hugs* That was a insanely inspirational post. Yep.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Last Post. =-.
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Beautiful. Facing mortality is so damn hard… but you’re right. Pack the time you have with all kinds of awesome, to keep adding to an amazing legacy. Having both warning and time can be a blessing and a curse, I still can’t decide which way is better. Sigh.
.-= karishma´s last blog ..Day 13 – 40mg =-.
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My heart feels swollen.
.-= Danica´s last blog ..Church Janitor Poetry =-.
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I wish I had inspirational words or something to offer that would bring you comfort during the difficult moments. I know that’s not possible, but I will pray. I will pray hard.
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Royden and I have been having many conversations about hope and faith and God’s “Plan”. Lots to mull over. At this point we believe absolutely that God has the power to cure (Royden’s dad…or the multitude of other things that have hit the fan lately) but honestly in some of those situations it looks like He won’t. God is going to do what God is going to do.
We struggle with this (a lot) because A) Um…we don’t seem to like His plan. B) As Royden points out when it came to Abraham having a kid God basically showed up, had dinner with him and Sarah and told them they were going to have kids. So having faith in a promise like that seems to make sense. But when there’s no concrete promise, well then, that’s when faith is difficult.
We have a hard time with verses like: ‘if you had the faith of a mustard seed you could move mountains’, or ‘because of their unbelief He did not do many miracles’. My logical mind thinks were in deep caca when I read those verses.
I’m not sure if this pearl of wisdom will help you much but lately our prayer has mainly been that we would keep our faith, continue to see God as both sovereign and good, and be ok with whatever He has planned for us. If we could be joyful and glorify him in all circumstances…well that would be a great bonus too! One of my most comforting verses has been Romans 5:1-5. None of us wants to suffer, but maybe it’s worth it.
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I wish I was as good with words as you so that I could tell you just the right words you need to hear. Sadly, I’m not but I will offer you virtual hugs, thoughts of support and prayers for comfort. Yes, there will be ups and downs but there will also be people here to stand beside you.
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This post is so great. Especially that very last line. I want to look back at my life at the end of it and realize I lived with joyful abandon.
Praying and hoping and thinking of you and your Daddy-O.
.-= Kerri Anne´s last blog ..“You can’t create fate because then it’s not fate, it’s Voodoo.” =-.
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Angella, after a touching post like that, I wish I had something to say that would help ease your pain. Although that is not possible, know I will be praying for you and your Dad and the rest of your family.
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Great post, Angella. Praying with you.
.-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..Alpha-pillows: a great afternoon project =-.
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