Our culture is one where divorce is considered OK. “Normal”, even.
I come from a family that is no stranger to the sting of divorce. My Dad has been divorced four times over. My Mom, twice. I have one full-blooded sibling and seven (SEVEN!) other siblings who share the same Dad as I do (Fertility was never an issue for him. Or his wives, apparently).
That being said, divorce is not an option for me.
I remember watching my Dad drive away when I was three and asking my Mom if he still loved us. I have witnessed the emotional aftermath that all of my siblings have endured in the wake of divorce. My entire story is one that would BLOW YOUR MIND. I could be on Oprah for a week with the tales I could tell. However. It is not something that needs to be aired on the Internet (Or Oprah). Trust me.
As I grew to be a woman, and moved out on my own, I worked through it all and decided what I wanted from Life and from my Husband. I gave it all to God. Lo and behold, I met and married Matthew. The main reason being that he shares my faith and holds the same ideals that I do. Plus, he is hot. Bonus!
He also comes from a family were nobody is divorced. It is kind of awesome.
When I was a teenager, a woman I respected said something to me that rings true to this day. I think of it daily, and quote it to others whenever I have the chance.
Love is not a feeling. It is a commitment.
Those words resonate through my very soul. Because they are true.
The statistics for divorce tell you that it is something that happens to approximately 50% of couples. Much higher than it used to be, but it is acceptable. Apparently. People see these statistics and think that their odds are not so great. Then they go into marriage with the thought that is it doesn’t work out, there is always divorce. Because it is an easy option.
I am a child of divorce. It is NOT EASY.
A little while ago a guy in the grocery store referred to me as “his future ex-wife”.
Be still, my beating heart.
Matthew and I have both committed to be in this marriage FOREVER. Divorce is NOT an option, nor will it EVER be. We work daily at building upon the foundation that we created over eight years ago. We go on date nights, we communicate throughout the day and we laugh at each other’s jokes.
Yes, we have an advantage that we speak the same love languages. We have a lot of differences though. I am an extrovert and he is an introvert. I hate sales people and he is a salesperson. He is can be passive aggressive whereas I like to put it all on the table, deal with it, and move on.
We talk about these differences. We joke about these differences. We don’t fight about these differences. We are ONE. Two halves of the same whole.
If we were in this with the thought that this may not be forever…it would be AWFUL. I would live in fear that one day Matthew would wake up and just give up on me. On us. His reasons would be that I lose my patience too easily, that I do not clean the house as deeply as he does, that my farts reek more than his ever do. He could then walk out the door.
Where is the comfort in that? Where is the security? Where is the LOVE?
For love is not a feeling. It is a commitment. One that we make to each other every day, ‘TIL DEATH DO US PART.
To choose otherwise is to choose to fail.
At least in my humble opinion.
I totally agree, divorce is just not a option. So you better make it work because you are going to be together in the end.
Jenn
Jenn’s last blog post..Almost Laughing
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AMEN!
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Amen!
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I am also a child of divorce. My parents divorced when I was 5, but I don’t feel like I lost out on anything. My dad was involved and my mom was a hard working single mom. We didn’t have much. I think this too makes me want to do it better. Divorce isn’t an option for us either. I think divorce is the easy way out. Marriage is hard work.
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Andrew and I met up with a friend in California a couple months ago. He and his wife were married a month after us, we attended each others’ weddings, went to each others’ houses for dinner, had our first children a few weeks apart. We have lived in different states for a while, and have kept in touch here and there. Well, when we met up for a late breakfast, our friend didn’t eat much because he was en route to the weekly lunch meet-up with his soon-to-be ex wife to do the child hand-off.
It bothered us, and we talked about it on and off the entire six hour drive home. How do you get to that point? When do you give up? Do you worry endlessly about what it does to the child? If so, can’t you work harder to make it last?
What you say is true. Love takes a lot of work and commitment.
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Angella, I really appreciate this post. My sweetie and I are recently engaged and we’re both in it for the long haul! But I am getting a lot “you’re so young” and “aren’t you worried, with the divorce rates?” comments, and it freaks me out. It is refreshing and encouraging to see your perspective.
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Awesome post. Awesome point of view and very refreshing. Jon & I have been talking about this alot lately.
Renee Daniels aka Indygirl’s last blog post..Saturday’s moving progress
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Great post. Justin and I were just talking about this. We heard a radio show on CBC about the pursuit of “The One”. Very interesting to hear some of the guests’ opinions and perspectives.
Loved your thoughts, thanks for sharing them.
Elizabeth’s last blog post..It’s all good
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I so agree. Just after we got back from our honeymoon our close friends (who had been involved in our wedding) announced that they were getting divorced and since then we’ve had several couples go the same way. The fallout from even an “amicable” divorce is devastating and has made us work even harder at keeping our relationship with each other and with God strong. Paul and I are about as opposite in personality as it is possible to get but our values are the same and we are committed EVERY DAY to choose to love, honour and serve each other….even though we don’t always feel like it! Marriage is tough, but divorce is unthinkable.
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And another “AMEN!” from me.
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We are in for the long haul too. I am glad you and Matthew are so committed, it is refreshing.
However I totally understand why so many divorces happen and agree that it so often it is not because of love or not loving. Daves parents still love each other despite the divorce and are still friends but they went through it because it would have been worse to stick it through.
It had nothing to do with commitment unless it was to an institute, because that is where they both would have ended up I am sure if they had stayed together.
We are all thankful now because it saved the whole family from a ton of would be bitterness and now the extended family we have gotten through the remarriages is amazing.
Don’t get me wrong there is still a feeling of abandonment for Dave but there is also a great gratitude.
Sometimes when people marry it is for the wrong reasons and to stick it out would be destructive.
Sometimes mistakes are made and the marriage should be broken.
I have a friend who is now 93 and when her children were young her husband left her for 15 years. Then one day he showed up and everything resumed as normal.
She was destroyed inside but took him back because she believed in marriage to the end and felt it was her duty before God.
Her children never forgave her and her daughter will never marry after watching her parents relationship.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that divorce is sad but often it is right. And I will never ever rule out any couple.
No one is perfect and no one can see the future.
I hope and pray we all stay happily married!
Anna’s last blog post..“Mom I need the mate-up”
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Thanks for sharing this. I really love those words: “Love is not a feeling. It’s a commitment.”
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Definately! I often think about people who get prenuptial agreements and I wonder how they are supposed to last, if they are going into the marriage saying, “well, if this doesn’t work this is how things will be divided…” So sad…
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That’s an awesome feeling knowing he won’t leave you even though your farts reek worse than his.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Skinny Bitch Gets Felt Up
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My sentiments EXACTLY.
PS: In Canada the divorce rate is actually only around 30%!!! Woooot! But that’s only because people in Canada live together without getting married more often.
Debbie’s last blog post..S – M – R – T, Sex-ay, but has bad hair.
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A-MEN to that sister! I love that quote about love being a committment not a feeling. SO true.
Jay and I are in this for life too, otherwise what’s the point?
Kami’s last blog post..Hello Summer
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Great post.
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What a great reminder to all of us, to make that commitment every day (even, or maybe especially when we don’t feel like it). Great pic too.
Thanks for the congrats this week. Sorry I haven’t been reading, I’ve had some pretty bad eyestrain so have had to stay away from reading blogs, which has been TORTURE!!!
Kaza’s last blog post..It’s Official… I’m Saucy!!!
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Great post Angella. I think for me I’d change the quote to Love is not only a feeling, but a commitment.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on love and marriage. Seems to be a common theme these days.
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What a great and necessary post. Thanks for telling it like it is.
Janssen’s last blog post..Half Way Through
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AMEN. I’m a child of divorce also – in fact my parents divorced when I was an infant, so I have no memory of having parents who are married to one another. My father never remarried, my mom married and divorced 3 more times. This is the one thing that makes me not feel so bad about being single at 29.
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Just another AMEN from one of the “in it for better or worse” crowd.
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Amen – me too! I cannot imagine some of the fights DH and I have had and having the nagging thought in my head – gee, what if he wants to leave me. That would SUCK! Our marriage is far far far from perfect, but we are Committed.
We’re married ‘Til Death Do Us Part. We even channged the words in our marriage ceremony to read that, instead of As long as we both shall live.
Thanks for this post.
monstergirlee’s last blog post..Golden Gate Park
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As a child of divorce, I feel the same way. I won’t go into any relationship willy nilly because it is or the long haul.
Kristabella’s last blog post..How Not To Start A Morning
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We are 25 years married this summer, and I couldn’t agree more. My parents would have been married 60 years this year if my dad had not passed on, and I am thankful for a long heritage of marital commitment.
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Great Post!
Corey and I met and married quite quickly. We were married almost exactly 7 months from the day we met. And never in my life did I feel I’d made a better decision. Corey is the product of a multiple divorce home, and although I heard many times over “aren’t you worried he’ll follow their footsteps?”, from friends and family, I never did. I knew that Corey loved me, that God had brought us together and we made that concious decision together to elimate divorce from the vocabularly and options list. Besides my folks provided us with a wonderful example.
My parents met, were engaged 2 weeks later and married 6 months after that. Their own family put bets in on how long their marriage would last. They celebrated their 25th anniversary last fall, renewing their vows infront of friend and family – most of the family that thought it would never last. That road for them wasn’t always easy, and there were times that things looked bleak, even helpless, but when they said “I Do” it was a long haul decision, it was also the moment when God was invited into their marriage and made the official First Party (can’t really call Him, “third party”). It’s through His grace and guidance that we surive the rollercoaster ride that is marriage!
Thanks for doing such an honest and open post!
Ashley’s last blog post..Computer Crash
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Thank you for this post. I’ve been kind of obsessing over this subject in my head for a while now – it’s nice to read someone else’s words and feel less crazy
hills’s last blog post..Lay All Your Love On Me
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This is an interesting post in response to kaili’s post regarding “What does love mean to you”. I think the thing is that in blogworld people get very upset when they feel that their own beliefs are being challenged.
I believe in the commitment of marriage. Or else I would date.
Ia lso feel that what one perspn believes should not be looked down upon if I dont believe it myself. If we were all the same it would make for one boring world and therefore people would have less stuff to comment about
I also think it is easy to say “I will never divorce. It isnt an option”. I cannot see into the future. I have my whole faith and trust in my marriage and the promise of that, but I also know that there are reasons that i would no longer retain my commitment of marriage to my husband and he the same.
There are many people who do their children even more harm by staying together and cause years of turmoil. If your family life is unhealthy while you are married, fix it, work on it, pray about it…. If that isnt possible…. find a better solution, that doesnt damage children. I am not sure that divorce in itslef is what is harmful to families. It may be the best option depending on the circumstance. I think it is the CRAP that can carry on during the divorce that is horrifying.
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Kelly,
I will copy the email I sent to Anna, to clarify my views
I am not claiming to be perfect, nor trash-talking people who get divorce.
I agree that sometimes divorce is the best option (adultery, abuse, etc.) Those things are not an option or on the radar for us – we work hard to keep our union intact.
My point was that far too many people go *into* marriage with the thought that they can always give up if it gets too hard. If they really feel that way, then why are they getting married in the first place?
Marriage will only work if BOTH people are committed to forever BEFORE they take their vows. Matthew read my post and agreed wholeheartedly with it. We are committed 100% to God and to each other.
That’s the only way to make it to forever.
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Amen to that!
Reading about how God has been at work in your life always bring a smile to my face.
He is so AWESOME!
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Thanks for the reply- I cannot email you back (something is goofy with my account right now).
I hope you didnt think I meant you were bashing poeple who divorec and I certainly didnt think you were claining you were perfect! I see your side and the other side of the issue. I just believe that while we express our own views, we dont make others feel less because of their own beliefs, that is all.
Great discussion
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You know that’s one of my favorite quotes in the world. Thanks for sharing it with me all those months ago.
She Likes Purple’s last blog post..Look Over There!
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You go on girl!
It’s all true, and the same way Daniel and I have always viewed our marriage. We are in this for the loooong haul!
It is a one way road. Lots of work, lots of fun, lots of lovin’ that goes on, and some tears too.
What a ride!
-Andrea
Andrea’s last blog post..S’up Dude?!
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Angella,
Thanks so much for posting this. Sometimes I feel things and don’t always express them as well as I could. This is exactly what Dana and I feel about marriage too, and after reading Kaili’s blog I only wanted to express our views on the subject too.
Dana and I from day one committed to forever. It is a beautiful country road that leads through many valleys and over many mountains, can be smooth or bumpy, but wherever it leads we go together.
When you are not so busy I would love to get together and do some stampin.
Susie’s last blog post..Just Be…
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For me and mine, I agree 100%.
I have known others whose only healthy option for them and their children was divorce, but for us.
Our fairytale doesn’t even recognize divorce.
Amen.
love that picture and I’m coming to adore you, more and more with each post.
Thanks for each time you stop in and comment. It means a lot.
Have a fantastic Monday.
rachel’s last blog post..Mouthwatering Monday: Curry Chicken With Rice
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Just wanting to add a final thought to all of this….
Angella- no disrespect. I just emailed you back, but want to post my feelings.
I completley agree with you on this point that you wrote…
“My point was that far too many people go *into* marriage with the thought that they can always give up if it gets too hard. If they really feel that way, then why are they getting married in the first place?”
Totally.
I was talking about an abusive marriage (the BIG reason for saying “adios” to a spouse, not just because you wake up one morning and find that it is just too much of a bother to look at the same person another day or trivial reasons.) I mean the big ones. And what one person judges to be trivial or serious enough to divorce is a personal call. Of course I believe that God looks down on divorce. And we are not a perfect people as you stated.
I think it is wrong to go into marriage with the attitude that there is always an out. But I do feel (and I am sure you agree) that if there are unforseen events that take place and divorce takes place, it isnt a failure. It maybe a failed marriage, but when you say “to choose otherwise is to choose to fail” I thought I should give a voice to those who have felt that to divorce was the best choice they could have made.
peace Angella.
Like I said via email – I was not referring to these situations. I was referring to people who start off on the wrong foot.
kelly’s last blog post..Watoto
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It is wonderful that you and Matthew share the same ideas on this. I know too many couples who have thought they were in it forever and then…well, life happened and the commitment waned. I am not one to pass judgment as I have never been married and many of my relationships have been short-term but I hope that if I ever do commit myself to someone in marriage, I can build a strong foundation and that we make it. It’s very sad to watch once happy couples get completely lost from what they once were, from who they are, and what they want. Heartbreaking really. Especially when kids are involved.
sizzle’s last blog post..Where I Call ?Home?
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gabe and i are committed to working. to working as hard as we can to make it work.
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Angella, you are sooooooooooooooo wise!!
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Annnnnd, here come the tears.
Really well written Angella. And it really is an encouragement- it’s something Ben and I have placed as a high priority in our marriage, but it’s always great to hear it re-affirmed through others.
Thanks for again, sharing your faith through your words and example.
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Hi, Angela. I found your blog from your post on religion on Work IT! Mom. I loved that article.. we see eye to eye on that whole topic it looks like.
I’ve just spent some time browsing thru your blog here and love it. This post on divorce is great.. so many more need to realize it is how you go into the marriage.. with the attitude that divorce is not an option. I think far too many think “Oh, well.. if it doesn’t work, we’ll just get a divorce.” I’ve had friends that did this.
Hope you have a great day and I will be back soon!
Melanie’s last blog post..The Habit of Studying God’s Word
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Being divorced this was a hard post to read.
I’m not really sure what to say to it.
I am happy for you that you have such a strong commitment with your honey. You’re whole family is amazing.
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We call it the “D” word in our house and we are NOT allowed to say it.
My husband’s parents are divorced but mine are not and are a wonderful example of marriage, as are his mother’s parents and we are thankful to have such strong relationships to mirror.
Congratulations on you committment, it’s a beautiful thing!
Elaine’s last blog post..Our Very Own Super Hero
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“His reasons would be that I lose my patience too easily, that I do not clean the house as deeply as he does, that my farts reek more than his ever do.”
Hee hee, my husband would have the same reason to divorce me! Fortunately, we do not believe in divorce either. Not an option. Ever. And, sometimes love IS more of a CHOICE than a FEELING. And? Making up is AMAZING, probably the best part of a disagreement.
Great post!!!!
Mrs. Wilson’s last blog post..Old Dirty
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