In my thirty-four (plus) years of life, I have had plenty of time to analyze myself. I spent many years playing the victim but have come to realize that I, too, have flaws. I know. I can hardly believe it myself. I have also come to realize that those flaws are as real as the sun that rises and sets.
It is not as though I am a person who wallows in that place where she spends all day spinning on the things that she has done wrong. I have no problem in fessing up to my iniquities. I want to make amends, extend and receive forgiveness and move forward so that we can all hold hands and sing kumbaya. Or some other tune in the same vibe. Issues with others are something that I want to work on, to fix, to heal.
The main person that I have an issue with is me. A large part of me still feels like that chubby, awkward girl who was told to just disappear in the ninth grade by those oh, so lovely girls who probably ended up on those side of the tracks from whence I came. It never ceases to amaze me how a few situations that occurred over twenty years ago can continue to affect me in the present day. Those feelings have been addressed, dealt with and put behind me. And yet, they still haunt me in certain moments. Why is that? I don’t know if I will ever figure out the answer.
It is not as though I lack confidence in my daily life. I am confident, for the most part, in my ability as a wife, mother and friend. I pour all that I have into others. I will be your biggest cheerleader, should you need one. I will shout your praises from the rooftops and do anything that I can to help you achieve your goals. I want nothing but the best for you and will use my power for good to help you get to the finish line.
When it comes to my own dreams and goals I tend to shove them to the side for the sake of the Great Good. Or so I tell myself. There is work to be done, income to be earned, bills to be paid. I tell myself and those around me that I need to focus on what is best for my family; the dreams I have for myself can wait.
A short while ago I had back-to-back conversations with two of my closest friends of the planet. I would link to them but it isn’t really the point of what I’m trying to say here. If you know me at all you probably know of whom I speak and if not? It really doesn’t matter. I know how amazing they are and they know how much they mean to me. That is what truly matters. Both conversations were mind-blowing in their encouragement and in their calling me out as the chicken shit I truly am. One phrase that was said to me was written down and I think about it daily, sometimes hourly:
Just get out of your own way and go get it.
I would tell you what it is in reference to but I am still clinging to my chicken shit status.
However.
I will have you know that I have bought a journal. I have been writing down my goals, both long term and short term. I have always been prone to making lists, but seeing those long term goals staring back at me makes them more real somehow. They are goals that I can (and will) achieve. The dreams will become a reality. The short term goals (Book hotel for our upcoming trip, order a book I want, write this post) serve the purpose of giving me that feeling of pure satisfaction as I strike them out. I’ve also been writing down random thoughts in my head that occasionally turn from point form notes to pages upon pages of words that leave my shaking out my hand when I’m done. I don’t do it as often as I should, but still. I’m doing it.
I’m taking steps and moving forward. One move at a time, one word at a time, one goal at a time. I’m kind of excited to see where it all takes me.
Your friends sound very wise. All I can say is, “You go, Girl!”
I’ll be a cheerleader for YOU, as you have always been for me. Dream big, and take it one step at a time!
.-= Hannah´s last blog ..Five =-.
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angella Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
I’m so glad to call you Friend, Hannah.
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Getting out of our own way is a good thing- challenging!- but a very good thing. Glad you’re writing it out and feeling your way to a better place.
.-= Sizzle´s last blog ..All the titles I can think of for this post are gross. =-.
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angella Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Right back atcha, sister.
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I remember reading how Kristin (from Better Now) always wrote out her goals and how, eventually, she met them all. Doesn’t sound like a bad idea to me and I’m excited to see where this takes you.
.-= Amanda Brown´s last blog ..Ballet, First Steps, and A Tweaky Mullet =-.
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angella Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Me too. I’m also excited for Girls’ Night In on Saturday because BOY DO I NEED IT.
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You CAN do it! I also know that those scars from childhood haunt you into adulthood. (Hello appointment with the psychiatrist I have coming up!)
But, I have MET you and I LOVE you and I KNOW you can do anything that you put your mind to. You also have the ULTIMATE cheerleader on your team. I know that you put your family first in all, and that with this, they will put your goals in high priority. You’re a hard worker, and I know you will reach your goals. I look forward to hearing about the journey!
.-= Jen´s last blog ..happy joy =-.
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angella Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
You’re a pretty great cheerleader yourself, Jen
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Your last paragraph really resonated with me. I’ve had so many goals that I want to accomplish, but I’ve done so little to pursue achieving many of them. I definitely need to get out of my way and start trying to achieve my dreams.
I look forward to hearing about your journey as well!
.-= Sharon´s last blog ..Walk On =-.
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angella Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
And I, yours!
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This made me smile–I love pretty much everything about it and I can’t wait to hear about your next Big Thing.
)
xox
.-= heidikins´s last blog ..I’m guess I’m kind of a stalker, but not in the super creepy, “file a restraining order” kind of way. =-.
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angella Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
xox back atcha, Heidi. Thanks. I mean it.
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Good for you and I will admit my curiosity about what is to come
.-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..His plan, not mine (updated) =-.
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angella Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
In due time, my dear. In due time
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I, too, am curious. You know when I met you in Chicago I was surprised by how confident you seemed. Reading you for all this time, not that I thought you were going to be timid or shy, I was just amazed and in awe of your confidence and happiness.
Whatever it is that you want to do, I know that you can accomplish it. Don’t let your past bring you down, because I know if I let the past totally rule over me all the time I would be in a corner somewhere with my thumb in my mouth rocking back and forth over and over.
((hugs)) you are truly amazing and I really want you to know that.
xoxo
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday-Sunsets & Neon Edition =-.
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angella Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
I should reply privately, and likely will, but I will have you know that reading this from you while out and about (aboot?) today made me smile. Huge.
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I just want to shout HECK YES! right now but people at work might think I’ve lost it. Which, hey, debatable.
YOU are an amazing woman, person, writer, friend, mother, wife, and I feel beyond! blessed to know you. Rest assured that when the time comes for me to don my pom-poms in your team’s colors (go go gadget sports metaphor!) I will be on the front lines, come rain or come shine, reminding you that you can do absolutely anything you want to do in this life. Except maybe breathe under water. But I’m working on that.
.-= Kerri Anne´s last blog ..Kerri Below =-.
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angella Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
I already replied privately, but thought I should out Kerri as one of the two I mentioned.
If you learn how to breathe under water and I learn how to be INVISIBLE, think of the fun we could have!
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Dude, you rock. The fact that you’re writing this post makes me hopeful that soon you WILL get out of your own way and go get it. Also? I’m hoping that the thing you’re getting out of your own way to go do? Is writing a book. Just sayin’.
.-= hillary´s last blog ..I Smell Like I Sound I’m Lost And I’m Found And I’m Hungry Like The Wolf =-.
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angella Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
I already emailed you, but yeah. You busted me.
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Blogging makes for great therapy, or at least it has for me.
.-= Jack´s last blog ..A Bad Case Of Blog Envy/Jealousy =-.
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angella Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
Therapy, INDEED. My friend Ali’s tagline is “Cheaper Than Therapy” and she nailed it.
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I’m excited to see where it takes you too!
.-= sparklytosingle´s last blog ..A Unique Meme =-.
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angella Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Me too!
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Keep us posted on how your journalling goes. I too am also a major list maker. Sometimes I wonder if it really helps me get focused or just wastes time writing it down. Hmm..pondering. Either way I get some sort of satisfaction writing down goals. Focused and real.
.-= Mama in the City´s last blog ..Babywearing and Babyloving: International Babywearing Week! =-.
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angella Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
I get all pent up and frazzled if I don’t write it down and get it out of my head. It helps me chill out. At least a little.
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Angella – you are one of the most amazing people I’ve ever ‘met’! And good for you, at your bright young age, to define and go after those goals. It took me til I was 40ish to get there — okay, so it was 42 and just last year — but I’m just sayin’. And then we try things and re-define and re-direct. I’m thankful we live in countries where the sky is the limit for women. Ain’t life grand?
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wow!!
that’s just…….. great!
kudos to you for knowing yourself so well.
.-= mpotter´s last blog ..96 & 97 explained =-.
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Go you!
I don’t know where this is going, but I am excited to watch from the sidelines and cheer you on. Wahooooo.
.-= Danica´s last blog ..The Keener =-.
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First of all, go for it! I know you will succeed as you have with everything else you have done.
And second? What is it!!!!
When you’re ready, when you’re ready
.-= Kami’s Khlopchyk´s last blog ..Time always makes me more rational =-.
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I’ve started writing down my own dreams. Deciding where I want to go and what I want to be. I’m around the same age as you, maybe it’s a thirtysomething thing, I don’t know. But I’ve realized that this is IT. If I want something I have to go and get it. But also, I CAN go and get it.
Good luck to you, wherever it all takes you.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Ba-Ba-Ba-Bamfield =-.
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