I spent many years bemoaning the fact that my parents were flawed. They were not horrible, or abusive, or anything along those lines. They just made mistakes and did not live up to the ideal that was pitched to me by prime time television.
This is not to say that my parents are not flawed; they most certainly are. They have caused hurts and made choices that I thought should not be made by someone who was supposed to lead me by their example. I took all this inside, made it about me and did my best to deal with it.
I have already talked about the relationship journey I have had with my Dad. This past week my Mom has been in my thoughts and I was hit with a revelation I should have been hit with many years ago.
My Mom is someone that you would love. She is a fiery redhead with a spitfire personality. She has more spunk in her wee 5’2″ frame than I have in my baby toe. Her heart that is bigger than life itself and she helps anyone in need.
I love my Mom, bur for many years felt disconnected from her for a number of reasons. My younger sister and her look almost identical to each other and have even more personality traits in common than we do. The two of them seem to have a connection that I do not share. This is not a slight to either of them; it is merely an observation.
This lack of connection, coupled with my (far too) high expectations left me disappointed in my Mom at times. Why couldn’t she be this way or that way and why did she do things that made me cry?
I resolved most of my internal issues with my parents before I got married. This helped me to pick a husband who is not a “father figure” but who is my equal (if not better) partner.
I have been brought to my knees these past few weeks with the recognition of my failures. I have failed as a wife, as a Mom, as a member of society at large. Overworked exhaustion can only account for a part of my missteps. The rest of it is attributed to the fact that I am human. I am weak. I am flawed. I mess up more than I want to. What I want to do, I do not do…
In the realm of being a Mother I think that I do a fairly good job. In addition to their basic needs my kids are smothered in kisses, lavished in praise, cuddled to the point where they shrink away and tell me to STOP IT ALREADY. Sometimes I even pull a “teachable moment” out of my butt and am in awe that I might actually know what I am doing, if only for a few moments.
Then there are those other times. The times where my patience is tested, where I lose my temper a little, where I raise my voice a bit higher than I meant to.
I am not perfect in any way. I do my best but I fail often. Sometimes on a grander scale than I would deem to be “acceptable.”
While wallowing in my shortcomings this past week I saw the connection between my Mom and I. We are both human. Flawed. Imperfect.
But we are authentic.
We also realize our mistakes when they happen. We cry out when we have hurt others. We love with a full heart.
Being a Mother has helped me to see my own Mom in a whole new light. She may not be perfect, but neither am I. We both do the best we can with the abilities we have been given. It is ridiculous to expect anything more.
My Mom lives nowhere near me, but I would hug her if I could. Hug your Mom today; she deserves it even if you don’t think she does.
**Love you, Mom.
Frankly, one of the signs of a good parent to me are not that a parent is perfect but that when they feel imperfect or like they are dropping the parenting ball, they actually think and worry about it. It doesn’t mean that you have to BE perfect or berate yourself endlessly, it just means you want the best for your kids and are conscious of that fact.
I have to think that every mother or parent on the planet can relate to having periods of having or being inadequate. Even the best of them.
Loralee’s last blog post..And then the monster rises again.
[Reply]
Wow! It was just surreal to read this post because, I could have written it myself. There are so many times that I have just longed for a deeper connection to my mom-but it is not something that is as “easy” or as “natural” as the world (or prime time TV) says it should be.
I do think that Loralee hit the nail on the head when she said that at some point we are all inadequate, and being conscious that that applies to ourselves as well as to our moms as well too. The job of being a mom (or dad) is so insurmountable that, being human, we are all so inadequate.
Very, very wonderfully and humbly put Angella. Thanks for helping me to keep my relationship with my mom in perspective as we head into mother’s day. Happy Mother’s Day to you!
Kathy K’s last blog post..Do Over
[Reply]
I thought everyone was close with their moms — this post made me feel a lot better about my relationship with my mom. Being a mom myself has definitely made me see her in a different, more loving light. Thank you.
Amy – BiteTheRabbit’s last blog post..Potty Training and Other Unrelated Items
[Reply]
While I won’t get to see my mom today, I will see her tomorrow and I will give her a huge hug. Since she likes the hugs now. Don’t ask.
Domestic Extraordinaire’s last blog post..Tuesday-the Giveaway Post
[Reply]
Great post. I won’t see my mom until Sunday but I will hug her tight.
Sizzle’s last blog post..Three Little Words
[Reply]
So true, me and my mom like to point out our flaws…mostly our own to each other.
“We are both human. Flawed. Imperfect.”
Nodding head vigorously!!!
I love my mom and we are very close and for that I am grateful. We also can drive each other batty. You know, just like sisters
Kami’s Khlopchyk’s last blog post..Hanging around
[Reply]
I’ve been feeling miles and miles away from perfect lately and it helps to not feel so alone in that. I definitely do see my mother differently now than I did before having kids.
Sherry’s last blog post..How to find some peace
[Reply]
I wish that I had a closer relationship with my mom. It used to really bother me but lately I have been finding my peace with it. It helps that as I grow older I realize that my mom isn’t cold, as I once thought, just private (it also helps that I’m the same way.) Great post, Angella!
hillary’s last blog post..Gotta See My Rock’n'Roll Doctor
[Reply]
How perfect that you are thinking about your momma so close to Mother’s Day. Here’s to Moms.
Kerri Anne’s last blog post..Not To Put Too Fine A Point On It; Say I’m The Only Bee In Your Bonnet
[Reply]
I am not a mother myself, but I have a very imperfect relationship with my mother, even though I love her.
In my early twenties, I experienced the revelation about my mother that everyone else around me had seen for years: I had put my mom up on a pedestal and had not reconciled the fact that she was not who I wanted her to be. I kept following her advice and confiding in her, hoping that THIS TIME would be the time that she would be who I needed her to be, and she never was. She has very different values than me so following her advice always led me to disappointment.
I spent a few years angry at her for not being the mother I wanted, but I’ve finally made peace with it. I have other friends now that I turn to for support and advice, and my mother serves a different role in my life. She’s still special, but she’s flawed. And that’s okay. I’m sure I will be too when I become a mom, and I hope my kids will accept me as I am.
Laura’s last blog post..Amazingly Stupid Things I Have Done This Week
[Reply]
yeah. and can SO see what you are saying. this motherhood stuff is HARD, man…so, as my kids get older and more challenging, i get a little less judge-y when it comes to my mom.
[Reply]
*tear*
I couldn’t agree with you more…I often time do not feel like I do enough to help my son, have enough patience for my three kids, am a good enough mom for them.
But a friend just told me yesterday…”That’s what makes you a good mom. A good mom says…it’s never enough”
Happy Mother’s Day Angella….
Lisa’s last blog post..My VERY FIRST (of many to come) GIVEAWAY!
[Reply]
I completely understand how you feel. I don’t think I am giving my kids enough or I am to stern with them. I just hope that when they are older they will know that even though things weren’t perfect all the time, they were always loved.
My mom passed away a month ago. I wish I could hug her, talk to her, tell her how much I love her. Please don’t let a day go by that you don’t let the ones closest to you know that you love them. In the blink of an eye, they could be gone.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Ashley’s last blog post..Mother’s Day
[Reply]
Beautiful post, Angella.
Hannah’s last blog post..This time tomorrow ?
[Reply]
Aw!! I too have “mother issues”, but reading this, um, okay, it’s true. Maybe it’s something with Northern BC moms? I’ve never felt connected to her. Ever.
The whole thing from Paul, the “What I want to do, I do not do…” I hate those days. I hate the I AM A TOTAL FAILURE days. I know them well. But you’re not, I’m not, and turns out your mother’s not because in some way she shaped who you are and I think you’re pretty stellar
Jen’s last blog post..Ode to my Family: the in-laws
[Reply]
what a wonderfully thoughtful post. as different as we are, i am fortunate to know you. i will drink a toast tonight to authenticity.
[Reply]
Awwwww
Victoria’s last blog post..You Have No Idea How Much I Amuse Myself
[Reply]
I may be tearing up right now. Beautiful, Angella. xoxo
metalia’s last blog post..I swear, the “punch” segue is entirely coincidental.
[Reply]
Nice work. Great post and Happy Mothers’ Day!
ELizabeth’s last blog post..A Bouquet a Day?
[Reply]
It’s so true. And while I’m not a mother, as you get older you do have a greater respect and understanding for your mom. I’m blessed that my mom is my best friend and my biggest cheerleader, but that doesn’t mean it had been perfect and that she is/was perfect.
Kristabella’s last blog post..Is It Called Sudafed Because Someone With A Stuffy Nose Tried To Say Stuffy Head?
[Reply]
Everytime I screw up something new with my kids, I forgive my mom for another thing I hated her for. I think we all do it.
Danica’s last blog post..Moments
[Reply]