Yesterday morning I received an email with the title, “The No-Baby Boom: Living Child Free.” It didn’t go to spam as most, uh, spammy emails go so I thought I’d give it a read. The first paragraph alone was enough to let me know that they had most definitely not sent an email to their “target” audience.

I thought you might be interested in this article from our April issue where we explore the new breed of non-breeders: Worried that kids might screw up your relationship and life? You’re not alone—a growing number of couples are choosing to live child-free…

They must read my site! All I do is write about my child-free life and how I worry that children will screw up my relationship and my life!

It just got better from there. They told me how much it cost to put kids through post-secondary education. Bright side! If my kid mastered in Male Sterilization, we could get a good return on our investment. Because NOBODY’S HAVING BABIES ANYMORE.

And then there were the stats. The stats!

(For someone with an accounting and economics educational background, I can tell you the I think statistics are a bunch of baloney. Your “representative sample” may not (and often isn’t) representative.)

1990: 65% of Adults said that children were very important for a successful marriage
2007: 41% of Adults said that children were very important for a successful marriage

Oh, how neat. Kids are screwing up your relationship and life at increasing rates. We should all stop having kids. Because kids are horrible and awful and money suckers and LIFE RUINERS. I should know this already, article aside, because I WAS A KID ONCE.

Oh, wait.

They’re right. My kids have ruined my life. How have they done so? Let me count the ways:

They are going to bleed my bank account dry. Because I have no idea how to use coupons or shop sales and thrift stores and stretch my dollars. Because the meat my husband harvests from hunting and the fruits and vegetables we harvest from our garden are so horribly expensive. Because I won’t ever make them get a job and teach them how to save for the future and for their education. Because I’d much rather have them leech off of me and live here until they are forty. Because I am an idiot/sucker.

My money is not my own! I can’t do whatever I want with it! I get to spend it on my mortgage and my work clothing and my groceries and my car insurance like I did before kids and, well. You can see how my world has changed.

All of the potty talk at the table. Someone rips a fart and/or uses a cucumber to make a phallic joke. Just a sec. That’s all led by my husband. Never mind.

My relationship has suffered. The many date nights where we go out and dream big dreams for each other and dream big dreams for our kids is a sure sign that we are ruined. RUINED. All of the flirting and innuendos and butt-cheek smacking and nightly locked bedroom door shows that we’ve totally lost the love.

I don’t have any free time. If you talk to any of my childless friends, they will tell you that…they have no free time. Huh. Turns out that you fill your free time with things and people that you love whether you are childless or not, working or not, in a relationship or not. But let’s just blame this one on the kids.

All of the quirky things they say! Because we are Serious Grown Ups, we have no time for that kind of nonsense. Laughing is for pansies.

They want to sit on my lap and smother me with hugs and kisses all of the time. We all know that is just part of their grand master plan to infect us with germs and to achieve world domination.

So, as you can see, my kids have totally ruined my life.

It’s really, truly awful. Hugs welcome. (Just wash your hands first.)

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Comments:

  1. JennyBean April 5, 2011 1:07 am edit

    I love this post. :)

    Do you mind if I forward it to all the people who think I’m crazy for wanting to grow up and be a stay-at-home-mom? heehee

    1. angella April 5, 2011 12:42 pm edit

      Of course! Forward it! Show them that you’ve seen the error of your ways. ;)

  2. isaida April 5, 2011 5:21 am edit

    cute post…..my kids have ruined my life too :)

    1. angella April 5, 2011 12:43 pm edit

      I can see that from your smiley face. ;)

  3. sherri April 5, 2011 6:38 am edit

    As a child-free person in my 40′s…what a bunch of baloney! I always assumed that I would have kids but never did. And that’s okay. I do enjoy the freedom that gives me to just pick up and go somewhere if I want. Well, after scheduling the time off work and making sure that someone can come over and watch my garden/animals. Hmmm. I don’t have to go watch a bunch of kids play sports. Except we go about every week to watch one of our friends kids because what is cuter than watching a bunch of kids play sports? Okay, our grocery bill is…ENTIRELY too high for just the 2 of us. I know, I don’t have to wrangle kids up in the morning to get ready…wait, that’s my husband!

    So today I learned that….I married a kid!

    1. angella April 5, 2011 12:44 pm edit

      Ha! This was awesome. :)

  4. Mrs. Wilson April 5, 2011 7:36 am edit

    Haaaaaa!!!!!!!!! Awesome.

    My favorite line is always the college one. Kids who have their parents pay for their college education? FEW AND FAR BETWEEN. I paid for my own, Noah paid for his own … wait … we’re STILL PAYING FOR IT. BY OURSELVES.

    I have no problem with people choosing to live child-free. I have no problem with people NOT choosing to live child-free. Articles like that kind of get my back up though, judging for one choice or the other.

    I love what you did with it though. I needed something to make me smile today. :)

    ps. your life-ruiners are adorable.

    1. angella April 5, 2011 12:46 pm edit

      Thanks, you. :)

      As for school, Matthew and I put ourselves through post-secondary schooling as well. We are putting enough money to get the matching from the government CESG program, but don’t plan on telling our kids that until we absolutely have to. It won’t be enough to cover it all, I’m sure, and that’s where part-time jobs and student loans come in. :)

  5. Jennifer April 5, 2011 8:01 am edit

    Nicely said Sherri!
    Also child-free here and hearing about things like this make me embarrassed to be part of that group! Too bad that dumb propaganda such as this floats around.

    1. angella April 5, 2011 12:47 pm edit

      It’s too bad that people who are childless get bombarded from the other side as well. Can’t we all just make our own choices and be happy for each other?

  6. Annika April 5, 2011 8:23 am edit

    OH NO! My life is ruined too! And I didn’t even realize it until I read this informative post. We should form a support group for people who thought their lives were great when it turns out they are TERRIBLE and RUINED FOREVER.

    1. angella April 5, 2011 12:48 pm edit

      Yes! Because WE SHOULD SHARE OUR MISERY with those who THOUGHT THEY WERE HAPPY.

      :)

  7. Sherry April 5, 2011 9:24 am edit

    If this was a Facebook post I’d be hitting “like” repeatedly.

    I’m so sorry that your whole life has been ruined by love and laughter and happiness. :D

    1. angella April 5, 2011 12:49 pm edit

      I’m sorry that yours has been, too.

      :)

      (I finally posted the link on FB. It’s been a crazy day…)

  8. Kami April 5, 2011 9:38 am edit

    Ha! What a lame article and I love your response. My life has totally been “ruined” by my kids too.

    And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    That said, I really and truly respect those who choose not to have children. And those that I know have not done if for any of the reasons cited in the article. So there!

    :)

    1. Jennifer April 5, 2011 11:36 am edit

      So true! Those ‘reasons’ are really dumb.
      Nobody should have to justify or explain their decision, whether you have children or not. I don’t ask people why they had kids, so why do they have to ask me why I don’t?

      1. angella April 5, 2011 12:49 pm edit

        AMEN, sister!

  9. monstergirlee April 5, 2011 10:25 am edit

    I noticed you talking about this on Twitter. SO freakin’ funny.

    And I love your response, its dead-on. Long live the kids! I cannot imagine my life without them.

    1. angella April 5, 2011 12:49 pm edit

      Me, too.

  10. Amanda Brown April 5, 2011 12:12 pm edit

    The only thing my kids truly ruined is my bust. Let’s have a moment of silence for the fallen.

    1. angella April 6, 2011 9:27 pm edit

      I took a whole day of silence. Mine are THAT BAD.

      1. Heidi F April 7, 2011 10:32 am edit

        Just wait until you’re my age – Gravity, while good for holding people to the ground is very unkind after age 40 :)

  11. Hannah April 5, 2011 12:45 pm edit

    Completely happy to have had my life “ruined” by my two gorgeous kiddos!!

    1. angella April 6, 2011 9:28 pm edit

      Their cuteness ruins your life even MORE. ;)

  12. Janssen April 5, 2011 1:09 pm edit

    Don’t you love it when the marketers so clearly hand-selected you as the perfect audience for their product? What a fabulous post.

    (also, Amanda’s comment is the best one ever).

    1. angella April 6, 2011 9:28 pm edit

      That is why Amanda is one of my besties. She’s even funnier in person. ;)

  13. Kerri Anne April 5, 2011 2:25 pm edit

    Your kids have totally ruined MY life too. I mean…wait…

    Hilarious, actually, that so many moms got that email and so many non-moms (Hi!) didn’t.

    1. angella April 6, 2011 9:29 pm edit

      Maybe someone was trying to get the emailer fired? It makes no sense. :)

  14. annabelle April 5, 2011 4:43 pm edit

    Yes, mine too.

    Four times over.

    1. angella April 6, 2011 9:30 pm edit

      *Like button*

      (Hmmm…I wonder if I can get one of those installed?)

  15. Danica April 5, 2011 7:30 pm edit

    Wow, that totally sucks, man.
    But you deserve it.
    Scumbag.
    ;-)

    1. angella April 6, 2011 9:30 pm edit

      Ha!

      Scumbag is such a great word.

  16. Pix-Ology April 6, 2011 6:43 am edit

    I just found your blog, love it, love this post!

    1. angella April 6, 2011 9:31 pm edit

      Thank you!

  17. Renee April 6, 2011 8:23 am edit

    You know what, if people are going to write an article like that, I am VERY happy they have decided not to have children! That being said, my children do cost a fortune: Nanny, private school, swimming/gymnastics/karate/summer camp/vacations, etc. etc. etc. I can’t imagine ANYTHING I’d rather work for! When I walk in the door and the three of them yell “Mummy!” and fight over who gets to hug and kiss me first, well, I can’t even describe the feeling. But if you’re a Mommy, you know! By all means – if you don’t want kids – nobody is forcing you to have them. But stop trying to justify your decision in all these stupid ways. Why not just say: “I/We decided having kids wasn’t right for me/us” and leave it at that?

    1. angella April 6, 2011 9:31 pm edit

      EXACTLY. :)

  18. hillary April 6, 2011 2:10 pm edit

    I can tell that you’ve suffered.

    1. angella April 6, 2011 9:32 pm edit

      Well, my chest certainly has. (See Amanda’s comment.) ;)

  19. Sarahviz April 7, 2011 7:54 am edit

    Yes. But did you get the vaginal dryness pitch for Mother’s Day?

    1. angella April 9, 2011 9:45 pm edit

      Sadly (or maybe not so sadly?), I did not. :)

  20. DawnA April 7, 2011 9:31 am edit

    My feeling is my son makes my life fuller. You just can’t describe that feeling to someone who doesn’t have kids.

    1. angella April 9, 2011 9:45 pm edit

      A. Men.

  21. Deanna April 7, 2011 7:33 pm edit

    Love this! Thanks so much for sharing :o) I guess my life is ruined too Especially when the kids sneak in my bed on Saturday morning and they are warm and snuggly and tell you secrets and giggle.

    So nice to meet you too!
    Looking forward to working with you and the other LMDblogger ladies!

    Deanna

    1. angella April 9, 2011 9:46 pm edit

      ME TOO!

  22. Kathryn April 8, 2011 8:42 am edit

    This post made me laugh soooo hard! I love your sarcasm and your wit and your righteous anger.

    To be honest, I used to be terrified of having kids. The hormones! The labour! The tearing! And that’s just the pregnancy o_o. It’s enough to make me run screaming from the room at the thought.

    But you’ve been changing all that, and this post made my heart warm.

    1. angella April 9, 2011 10:20 pm edit

      That made me smile. :)

  23. Joanne April 9, 2011 6:23 pm edit

    Okay Ladies.
    It’s not often I read your blog Angella but I want to put my 2cents in to this discussion. I love children, let me say it again I LOVE children! The Lord has blessed us with 3 children and in turn soninlaws, daughterinlaw, and of course 6 grandchildren, also some children that call us Oma and Opa. Through the sleeplessness nights, the heartache of “he hit me!, she says she’s not my friend! etc.”, the no time for a date (let alone going to the bathroom by MYSELF!) to the waiting up for the teenager to come home , then the adult children’s heartaches and struggles, comes the “oh my it’s sure quiet in this house, the peace of morning coffee in the sunlight before going off to work, the harmony of “hey honey shall I make supper tonight?”. What I’m saying is each stage of life has blessings and struggles. Life takes work, marriage takes work and child rearing takes work but oh it’s worth it! Without my husband, children, grandchildren, family. and dear friends and foremost my Lord, Life would pale. With all those …Life is wonderful!

  24. Roshan April 14, 2011 11:40 pm edit

    Touche! Total sarcastic reply to their spam mail. You know your life better than some nutcase with wrong stats.

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