Us humans are judgmental beasts by our very nature. It stems from the fact that we are insecure beasts, whether or not we choose to admit that. Out of that insecurity stems the desire to pick apart others in order to make us appear better than…wait for it…the negative view that we have created about ourselves. It’s a vicious, nasty circle and it is so easy to get caught up in it without knowing that we are doing so.
I am not immune to getting caught up in it except that I have an even more convoluted version in where I do not pick apart other people when I look at them; I pick apart myself. If I see a woman who is tall and lean I look at my inner thighs and wish that they would just take the hint already and get lost. If there is a woman who is a larger size than I am, I will look at them in all of their confidence and wonder why I can’t have that same confidence. I think that they are strong and beautiful and wish that I could feel as comfortable in my own skin as they are.
Being a “big girl” growing up has left its mark, for sure.
Now that I exercise and eat well and do what I can to be fit, I have come a long way in combating my insecurities. No, my thighs are not skinny and yes, I (finally) have a booty, but that also means that I can do push-ups and sit-ups and move couches and feel a little bit bad-ass some days. Those moments where I compare myself to others and feel like I don’t measure up are further and fewer between than they were even a year ago; the choices I’m making for my body have helped me to battle my body-image demons. I have not won that battle (yet), but I’m making huge strides.
The bigger battle lately has not been body image, but of the comments of others. I’ve been told that I need to “Eat a sammich, already” (Um, I do. Just not EVERY DAY). If I’m at a gathering and pass on dessert, I am made to feel guilty.
(This happened last week at a professional function; the server came around and I quietly put up my hand to pass. Everyone else at the table took the dessert and asked me why I didn’t and made self-deprecating comments about themselves and I ended up having to explain that I had skipped my lunch hour run to attend said function and so I wanted to pass on dessert and I hoped that the mousse was tasty.)
WHY DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF?
It feels like I am constantly on the defensive for eating healthy and for exercising and for making the choices that I do when it comes to health and fitness. I don’t make comments when people are eating things that I choose not to eat or choosing not to exercise – heck, I don’t care what other people eat or what they are doing (or n0t doing) about physical fitness. Unless, of course, they of the same mindset as I am and I can learn from them.
I don’t make comments about your burger and fries; please refrain from making comments about my meal-sized salad.
Do I need to go into hiding? Be stealthy with my food and fitness choices? I mean, seriously. Eating well shouldn’t be a reason to be on the defensive – I shouldn’t feel like I need to hide in a closet in order to eat my vegetables in peace.
I know that there’s no solution, really. It’s just another instance where it’s PC to pick on one person’s lifestyle choice because it has been deemed to be PC to do so. Heaven forbid that I fire back and make comments on food and lifestyle choice of those who choose differently than I do. All hell would break loose.
So, listen. Eat what you want to eat. Exercise or don’t exercise. Do whatever you want to do for you.
Passing on dessert or choosing a salad over a burger or going for a run on my lunch hour is something that I do for me. I am not passing judgment on you by making the choices that I make for myself.
Please show me the same courtesy.
Preach it, girl! You have been a MAJOR inspiration to me to live more healthily. I’m still stuck in my excuses, but not for long. Posts like this help me get my motivation back. I just saw a quote on Facebook the other day that fits this (and a few other situations I’ve been a part of lately) … “You point and laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh at you because you are all the same.”. Be different. You are making a tremendous impact.
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Thank you for such a great post. This is also something that annoys me, it’s just impolite. I have had similar experiences, I must think of a witty yet polite but to the point comment to throw back next time it happens.
.-= Emily´s last blog ..Beach time =-.
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I think I’m usually pretty gracious and accepting when people refuse desserts or whatever, mostly because I used to be so incredibly picky about food as a kid and I hated it when people made a fuss about me not trying some food that I couldn’t stand. I try to extend the courtesy now of believing people when they say they don’t want something to eat!
That said, I think this is the thing where when a person says, “No thank you; that food/school/ideology is not right for me,” the person offering the choice hears “NO WAY would I eat that/go to that school/believe that; and I can’t believe you’re stupid enough to do it either!” People get defensive when they think you’re attacking their choices or applying your standards to their choices, when all you’re doing is innocently turning down a piece of pie YOU don’t care for, or going to YOUR own church, or, oh…I dunno…choosing to school YOUR kids at home because you think it’s best for YOUR kid. Not that I’ve had any recent experience with this…
.-= bethany actually´s last blog ..green fairy sprite flying through the air =-.
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Loralee Reply:
October 23rd, 2010 at 10:48 am
Pretty much just what I was thinking. It almost ALWAYS has to do with the commenter and very little about you, hon. Besides, you make it very clear you DO indulge. (Hello, Friday nights?!)
It’s not like you are nibbling on lettuce or excusing yourself to the bathroom after every meal for long periods of time.
You are healthy, you glow, you are packin a ton of muscle and the people commenting on it in a negative fashion probably know that they should be doing better for themselves.
(She said as she sucks down a Diet Coke and nibbles on a piece of licorice.
)
.-= Loralee´s last blog ..After months of toil- sweat and tears… =-.
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I JUST saw you and you looked AWESOME. Not anorexic. (And no, I didn’t look at our thighs.)
I’m partly the same way in thinking – you talk about what you eat and how much you exercise and I’m like GOODNESS, I need to get some of that! I’m proud of you for how much get-up-and-go you have and hope that when I’m un-pregnant, one of you fit people will inspire me to do the same.
I had a thin, fit, INCREDIBLY INSECURE friend in high school who LOVED to pick me apart. I was small, but she was smaller. She picked on my chicken legs and anything else she could. We were both on the cheerleading squad and when we were measured for our uniforms, my bust was bigger than hers and she HATED me for it. WTF?
I hope this post gets lots of comments that leave you with a big goofy smile on your face and a feeling of being loved. Cuz you are.
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Mrs. Wilson Reply:
October 21st, 2010 at 5:40 am
by “our” thighs, I meant “YOUR” thighs. Awkward.
.-= Mrs. Wilson´s last blog ..night terror =-.
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I agree with Bethany. Some people might think you are somehow putting down their choices even though you are just making decisions for yourself and not placing judgment on others. I say continue to dare to be different and know it’s right for you. Nobody else knows whats right for you more than you do.
My boss just came to me yesterday and said he has never met anyone who loves running as much as I do. Some would call it crazy, but I took that as a compliment.
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Well said, you rock Angella.
I have the opposite issues. I was the super skinny anorexic looking girl growing up. I got picked on for being skinny and actually used to wish I was big. Now I am the heaviest I have ever been (except when pregnant). It is my own fault though, I am doing nothing about it. When I was working I had a very physical job and now that I lost my job a year ago my body has gone downhill
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So many people are struggling with weight, diabetes, etc. You look great. You shouldn’t feel like you should explain why you do or do not eat a dessert but I think it’s important for others to know that you don’t look as good as you do because of the luck of the genes.
You WORK at it.
My husband recently lost 40 lbs, weight that had crept up after retiring from the military. Too many catered lunches at work, too many long hours with no time to exercise, etc.
He decided enough was enough. Catered BBQ lunch at work? He received a lot of kidding over his low cal brown bag lunch he ate anyways. He bought an exercise machine. Used it in the wee hours before work.
Why am I bringing this all up? Because he let others at work know and when they saw the results, others began to do the same. In a world of guys with bellies hanging over the belt and heart attacks beginning to thin the ranks, maybe he saved a few coworkers.
You are right, the comments about being too thin are annoying and uncalled for. But you take excellent care of yourself. Three kids and you have the body you do? Shout it from the mountaintops!
You look great!
.-= Ninabi´s last blog ..Day 3 Something I have to forgive myself for =-.
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I wholeheartedly agree. I took up running after my second kid was born last summer, and since then I’ve lost 45 pounds and am a buff size 2. I eat plenty of healthy food (and still enjoy sweets) and I take offense when people tell me I look anorexic, or that I shouldn’t lose any more weight (not planning on it, and it’s only ever been a distant secondary goal to being fit).
Friends and family sometimes ask me how I did it, like there is some magic trick. They ask knowingly, “You just don’t eat, right? Just salads?” I don’t comment on their food choices, and I expect the same in return. I don’t ever look at them and ask how they gained weight, because their health choices are not my business.
I also try not to say “Thank you” when someone says, “Wow, you look great, you lost so much weight!” I usually respond with, “I’ve gotten really into running, and I really enjoy it.” I changed my lifestyle for me and to set a good example for my kids, and just because I did it doesn’t mean everyone must as well.
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It’s hard when other people push their insecurities onto you.
As a bigger girl, who knows how to be healthy and how to be smaller, but is currently not making the right choices, I think that people feel bad about themselves and strike out to make you feel bad about yourself – to “even the playing field.”
It’s certainly not fair and certainly not right. You’ve done the work and you’re making the healthy decisions. You are an inspiration.
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It’s the people who have issues with their own life choices that judge others. Just smile smugly as if you know the waiter sneezed on the mousse.
I like your rant. I like you.
And you are beautiful inside and out…but even more beautiful because you are nice.
.-= moosh in indy.´s last blog ..the tamales say “you’re good!” =-.
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I have some skinny friends and they get that kind of “eat something!”/”you’re so skiiiiiny” badgering all the time. And people would NEVER say “don’t eat that!” or “you’re so fat” to me. EVER. Even as a pudgy person it bugs me that it’s okay to slag skinny people but not bigger people — I can’t imagine how much it would grate if you’re actually working out and eating right to maintain a trim figure.
PS Mrs. Wilson made me snort with “by “our” thighs, I meant “YOUR” thighs.” HA!
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I TOTALLY get this. A few years ago, after I had worked like crazy to lose the last of my baby weight, a woman looked at me and said to her friend, “Wouldn’t it be great to have her genetics?”
I laughed it off, but it was offensive. I had worked my ASS off to lose the weight healthily, and genetics had nothing to do with it. If I eat too much and don’t exercise enough, I gain weight just like everybody else!
I am very careful to never say anything judgmental to other women about their weight or their eating habits. I know how sensitive we all are about our figures. But I agree that people think it’s fine to say whatever they want about women who are in shape or who turn down dessert or choose a salad at lunch. And it often annoys me, because I have definitely been in the “needs to lose a few pounds” camp and no one dared to say A WORD to me about it then… Why is it okay to make judgmental statements now that I’ve lost the weight?
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I have had a few comments like these too and it gets under my skin for a minute and then I remember….they are just jealous. I know because I used to be the same way.
Hold your head high, smile and forget about explaining it!
I have known you for about 5 years now. Oh my word, yes, 5 years. And you have been a huge part of my getting fit process. You inspired me by being strong and dedicated to your food choices and because of your inspiration and example, I have become more dedicated too.
So THANK YOU! That’s what I want to say!
.-= Kami’s Khlopchyk´s last blog ..Photography is for Professionals =-.
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I know that I secretly will push my insecurities on others when eating out. Like I’ll secretly (NOT OUT LOUD) feel better if the person I’m with gets a burger and fries when I’m planning on not eating healthy. I know this is MY issue and that it has nothing to do with the other person. And I would NEVER say anything out loud to them to make me feel better.
And I would never tell someone to eat a sammich. I mean, if I was super concerned that a friend of mine wasn’t being healthy and was being destructive, I would want to sit them down and talk to them about it. But I’m pretty sure “eat a sammich” wouldn’t come out of my mouth.
But you look great! And you are healthy! Fuck the haters!
.-= Kristabella´s last blog ..So I Had A Bad Day =-.
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Amen girl! A friend of mine and I were having a similar conversation the other day because since going “low-carb” many people have thought that we were crazy (she’s done it too). People are constantly asking me questions about when I’m going to start eating like I used to and what I will do when I gain the weight back. But see what they don’t understand is that I will NEVER eat that way again. I have changed my lifestyle. Will I have the occasional burger and piece of pie? Sure but please don’t criticize me because I’m not eating bread at every meal. Oh and by the way I feel a TON better since losing 23 lbs.!
Like you said, everyone is free to eat and exercise (or not!) as they want. I choose this and don’t judge me!
.-= Elaine´s last blog ..Kinda =-.
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It’s it incredible that healthy eating is met with such distain? Maybe that’s why as a society we are facing obesety rates at an all time high, for goodness sake we have more obese children now that we’ve had – ever! Scary, maybe it has to do with all the processed, fast food, haunting our grocery stores and corners.
I’m a salad eater, I love lettuce and tomato and cucumber, I also make a mean healthy, light salad dressing that floats my boat, so at least 5 days of the week one or two of my meals in a day is composed of salad. I also have a severe food allergy to corn (and they put corn or a variation of it in EVERYTHING!) which means I’m super restricted on what I can eat and my meals can be boring. Eating out quite often results in me watching everyone else eat, or only having salad. So often I’m met with snide comments (usually from extended family none the less) about how I must’ve lost all my baby weight from starving myself, or that it’s ridiculous that I won’t just have a burger and fries. Well actually I lost it through hard work, careful food choices and a whole lot of Jillian Michaels. And I would order something if I knew it wouldn’t put me in the hospital… I don’t sit in judgement over their choices, it’s not my business but apparently mine are the business of everyone else.
The thing is, I worry about my weight every day, every morsel that enters my mouth runs through my brain 45 times before and after. In hopes of not having an eating disorder or passing my fear of being a “big girl” again on to my children, I make healthy choices. My healthy choices will teach them to make healthy choices and hopefully we’ll by-pass this fear for them all together. I want my kids to grow up understanding that what you put in ultimately effects what comes out, whether in weight, attitude or over all health. And what you do for your body effects the same things, being active means you’re keeping your body healthy and that, is a responsible thing to do.
I say, way to go you! You look fantastic Angella, and if you feel it that’s twice as awesome. I’m on your team and if you ever want a criticism free lunch of salad and veggies and water oh my! give me a call, I’d be happy to oblige
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..Pride Comes at 131 Miles =-.
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I hear that. I’m a fairly tiny person and yet I do yoga almost daily and I try to incorporate regular cardio whether that’s walking the dog while I listen to my iPod or putting on a Zumba DVD.
I have had a few people make comments about how I really don’t need to exercise. Um, yes I do. Exercise is good for the all-around health and for the heart. Just because I’m not trying to lose weight doesn’t mean I don’t need to be fit. I can be slim and unfit at the same time and I don’t want that.
And I hate having to explain myself too. Gah.
.-= Sherry´s last blog ..On dogs and damp weather =-.
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only YOU know how you truly feel, and health comes in all shapes and sizes…you look great!
I was told at my sisters wedding that I looked anorexic. Nice. They must have missed the muscles…and there is NO WAY someone who had twins less then a year ago could have lost the weight without some crazy diet.
True friends know why you pass dessert, all the others who judge can eat an extra dessert for all I care!
.-= Cheryl´s last blog ..I often sit and wonder =-.
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Although it’s totally unfair to you, I think a lot of people do that because they feel badly about their own choices. You have the willpower that often many of us don’t possess, and sometimes it does feel judgemental (“wow, if she won’t eat this she must think I’m a total pig”).
While I’m not fat, I’m slightly overweight for me. I don’t have a body type that will ever be skinny (even as a high school athlete at 5’5″ I was never below 130 even though I was a size 4). Speaking for myself, I’m super jealous of people that have a naturally lean body type. All of this doesn’t justify people’s behavior towards you, but I think you really shouldn’t take it personally. Some people manifest their insecurities by saying mean things to others. It’s not right at all, but it might make you realize they aren’t actually saying things about YOU – it’s about themselves. Good work with eating healthy and exercising! It’s the best example you can set for your children!
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I’ve occasionally been the victim of similar commentary. I just ignore it- as everyone’s said, its just projection. I’m sure I unknowingly project my issues onto other people in different situations too.
.-= slynnro´s last blog ..Help Me Help My Hair =-.
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You have more restraint than I. If people were mocking my choices, I’d just nicely tell them “I’m not commenting on your choices, so don’t comment on mine.”
To quote my Grandma, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”
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I have the same problem, but with my family. I am really the only one who is healthy, and strives to make better choices. Not better than theirs. Just better for me. I am constantly viewed as stuck up, or “holier than thou” (as they have said to me on numerous occassions.). My dad tells me that I better not lose any more weight. Um… I’m not anorexic by any means! I just want to be the best ME that I can. It is so frustrating. I want them to make better decisions too, and it was my hope that I could be an inspiration to them, but instead they use my decisions to alienate me from the family. It is frustrating, but what can you do? I’m not going to make poor decisions just to fit in, or be accepted by them.
It is not easy to stick to a healthy lifestyle, but once you get healthy, it is easier to STAY healthy. Kudos to you for getting there!
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..What doesn’t kill you… =-.
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You are smokin’ hot, and there’s no need to apologize for it.
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I hate how “anorexic” has become an acceptable way to describe someone who is skinny. It’s pretty damn offensive, actually.
You don’t look anorexic, Angella. You look healthy. Your slimness is a result of your healthy lifestyle. People are idiots.
.-= hillary´s last blog ..Ive Gotta Tell You What A State Im In Ive Gotta Tell You In My Loudest Tones That I Started Looking For A Warning Sign =-.
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It’s not fair that people feel it is okay to make unkind and offensive comments about people who make healthy food and lifestyle choices, just as it wouldn’t be acceptable for people to make comments about other people’s UNhealthy choices.
You look absolutely amazing (NOT anorexic!) and I am always inspired by your fantastic attitude toward being fit & healthy!
.-= Hannah´s last blog ..Recently … =-.
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It actually really surprises me people see fit (ha!) to make comments about what you do or do not eat in front of them. I’m really glad that would just never occur to me. Eating is a pretty personal thing, and honestly, the only person who should be concerned about what’s on your plate and if you’re eating it is your mom, circa when you were five and hid your peas underneath your mashed potatoes (which at the time you hated as much as you hated peas) in a feeble attempt to prove you ate them.
Or maybe that was just me.
.-= Kerri Anne´s last blog ..Good Things- Currently Stuck In My Head Edition =-.
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You are preaching to the choir. At 5′ 6 1/2″ I have never weighed more than 115 pounds (my “heaviest”) and usually hover between 105 to 110 (100 after marathon training). I am not a big eater, never have been, never will be. I prefer to snack during the day and eat a big dinner. It works for me and I have actually stopped explaining myself. If I hear comments I nod politely and tell the commenter that “Yes, that’s how I like to eat or not eat”. I often get the old “oh, you are a long distance runner so you can eat anything”, which is actually not true and in any case athletes are most conscious about their food. People on this North American continent are food obsessed, something I did not grow up with in Europe. I never had to finish everything that was on my plate and got desert when I wanted it (mostly I didn’t). Only when I came to the US did I learn about food deprivation and “desert only if you eat your entire meal first”. No wonder obesity is on the rise.
If you look good and FEEL good power to you!!! Forget the obsessive compulsive!
.-= ChrisB´s last blog ..Viral =-.
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I hear you, loud and clear. Keep doing your thing, you’ll be the one pushing their wheelchairs someday.
.-= Tannis´s last blog ..Fall Habits =-.
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jonniker Reply:
October 21st, 2010 at 3:28 pm
Ouch. That is kind of against the spirit of the post, don’t you think?
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Tannis Reply:
October 21st, 2010 at 4:27 pm
Sorry, didn’t mean that to come out nasty, I wasn’t being careful with my words! The idea was to support the concept that good choices now will hopefully pay off later.
.-= Tannis´s last blog ..Fall Habits =-.
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mommyknows Reply:
October 21st, 2010 at 5:12 pm
I understood what you meant Tannis.
jonniker Reply:
October 22nd, 2010 at 5:32 am
Of course! I just hated to think of the idea of “Well, YOU will live! They will PERISH! HA HA!” *rubs healthy hands together*
Not that you meant THAT of course. I think this is just one of those topics that’s so easy to be accidentally smug about, and I’m definitely counting myself among that potentially Smuggy Pants group.
.-= jonniker´s last blog ..That Time =-.
I’m very careful to not judge or say anything about ANYONE’s eating habits, and I think it’s super-important. It’s so, so personal, and if you were suffering from an eating disorder on either side of the spectrum (over- or underweight), disapproval and judgment is the last thing you’d need.
Healthy comes in all shapes and sizes, and watching someone eat (or not eat) a burger and fries vs. a salad or a bowl of capers for dinner is indicative of very little of their overall anything.
.-= jonniker´s last blog ..That Time =-.
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You know that they are just feeling guilty and looking for a way not to feel guilty. Whether they should feel guilty or not is not your problem so don’t let their comments bother you. Just be proud of your awesomeness. Both in being healthy and being able to resist.
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Interesting. I never thought about it from that perspective. I’m not thin at all, but I do try to watch what I eat and will often try to pass on dessert – and it’s amazing how insulted people are, as though I’d insulted their cooking or something. I try to be conscientious about not commenting on people’s weight or eating habits (because I know how seld-conscious I can be) and because like you say, everyone just has to do their own thing and be happy with it.
.-= Lady Mama´s last blog ..When Im feelin good =-.
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Here here Angella! I’ve been in your shoes and it kind of sucks. But now I’ll make extra sure to be careful about commenting on others eating habits.
.-= monstergirlee´s last blog ..Sunflower – SOOC =-.
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Amen!
.-= Victoria´s last blog ..Im So Tie Tie =-.
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On the flip side, i’m overweight and people look at me like i’m crazy when i pass up the dessert and they can’t help themselves. I know they are thinking, “well, she’s fat, why isn’t she eating this crap with us?”
because it isn’t a plate of cheese fries?:)
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I totally agree. I don’t understand why people feel the need to comment on everyone’s size and choices. It drives me crazy. I am very thin, and some of the comments I get are so obnoxious. If I pass on desert, I get snide looks and questions like “what are you afraid of, that you will gain a pound?” If I eat something “bad” I get the shock treatment, “wow. Look at you go? I didn’t know you at THAT!” People would never call out someone who is overweight on their food choices. I don’t understand why that courtesy can’t be extended to everyone.
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..Can you do me a favor =-.
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Urgh, why are people LIKE this?
.-= Janssen´s last blog ..Halloween Reading =-.
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I hate your skinny ass.
Kidding!!!
I love you and you’re an inspiration.
I also get questionable looks when I take my second cookie when all the other girls have a couple of grapes on their plates.
It has nothing to do with what you actually look like and everything to do with the fact that you’re a girl. Girls pick each other apart fat, skinny or medium. It sucks. I hate it. I war against it. I war against it with my cookies and my runs! Ha ha!
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I understand what you mean, often it causes so much misunderstanding and makes many people feel jealous because of your healthy lifestyle.
.-= bmr´s last blog ..Make Video calls with Tango phone app =-.
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This is so true: Passing on dessert or choosing a salad over a burger or going for a run on my lunch hour is something that I do for me. I am not passing judgment on you by making the choices that I make for myself.
As others have said, those comments say more about the commenter than you. It sucks that people are backhanded like that. It’s so awful how our culture pits us against each other. Everyone is so fearful of being deemed “fat”. When I quit eating refined sugar and junk like that there would be these moments at work where someone would bring donuts or something carb-rich and sugar-laden and I would pass it up but other people would make comments. I’m like YOU EAT IT, I DON’T HAVE TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOUR CHOICES. So what if they want to eat 3 donuts? That’s their business. Just like me not eating one is mine.
.-= sizzle´s last blog ..Churned =-.
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You Go, girl. And pass me a cookie
.-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..Me- Again =-.
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i remember i was skinny and in shape and my mom was telling me i looked anorexic every time she saw me and i was well w/in my BMI. Then i gained 30 pounds and i was good, though i was way out of my BMI. You just cant make em happy. They will always judge.
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Being vegetarians, my husband and I are constantly having to defend our food choices. We never make a big deal about our vegetarianism, we don’t “preach” to others or try to convert, and while I might not agree with eating other living beings, I certainly don’t tell others they shouldn’t. So I never really understand why people feel it necessary to questions my choices. And having weight issues most of my adult life, I am well aware of others comments when you are trying to live healthily. I just chalk it up to others picking apart our choices in order to deflect for any guilt they may feel about what they are/or not eating.
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