Dancing In Between The Tears
Date: Monday December 21, 2009Posted in: Dad, Emily, Family, Graham, Nathan
I need to take a moment (or two) to thank you guys for the love you have showered upon me these past few days. Comments, emails, phone calls, Skype dates. I have teared up (and laughed) more times than I can count and owe you all big, fat (platonic) smooches and hugs. I saw all of the words coming in and just let them wash over me. My Dad reads my site (Hi, Dad!) and called to tell me how much my words (and yours) meant to him. You guys really have no idea how thankful I am. If I could logistically throw a big party for each and every one of you, I would.
I hesitated a little bit about putting this all out there. I worried that maybe I wouldn’t voice it the right way, that I wouldn’t do it justice somehow, that people my think I am being a little too dramatic. But this isn’t a production; it is real life happening here and it forms part of my story. A good friend told me that I needed to write through it and that’s what I plan to do. I just want to do it as honestly as possible.
I’m doing…OK. As of today my Dad is pretty much the same as he has always been. At least, that’s what he tells me. He lives four hours away and as such, we haven’t seen him since finding out. We’d like him to come up for Christmas, but with all that they have going on it sounds more like it will happen in January. So, right now I am picturing my Dad as healthy and robust as he was when I last saw him a few months ago.
The part where I start to be not so OK is when I ponder the future. Thinking of the path that he is now traveling on which will take him to a place where his lives in a state of discomfort makes my heart constrict and my breathing accelerate. His body will continue to deteriorate to the point where he won’t be able to walk, to talk, to breathe.
That sucks big, fat, hairy donkey balls.
The silver lining in all of this is that us kids (there are nine of us) are making plans to physically gather around my Dad somehow, some way, soon. The last time we were all in the same place at the same time was two Thanksgivings ago and the time before that was seventeen years prior. The back story (and some big ’90’s bangs) can be found here. We are an eclectic bunch but that’s part of what makes us awesome.
Apart from wrestling with how to process this, life as we know it in my house has carried on. As it should. Sitting in a corner and closing out my own life is no way to honor my Dad. He is one to live life to the fullest and I am my father’s daughter. To quote my Step mom, “We’re dancing in between the tears.”
The kids had Christmas concerts on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday. At the beginning of the week I was grumbling about our packed schedule. After sitting through the first one while grinning from ear to ear at the sheer adorableness of it all I realized that it would do everyone a bit of good to sit through at least one kids’ concert in their lives. Your heart can’t help but smile.
Graham got to be frosty the snowman.
He is such a neat kid. I’m so happy that we were the parents picked out for him.
Nathan’s school production was the next night and he served up even more of the sweetness.
Seriously. How did I get so lucky?
Our church put on a Christmas musical and the kids were part of the final number. Miss Emily pulled the “shy” card, per usual, and refused to go on the stage. I have proof that she actually wore the sheep costume, so there’s that.
She’s my most favorite girl on the entire planet.
Speaking of the musical, it was phenomenal. We laughed. A lot.
I’m so proud of everyone involved, including my brother Lance (on the left), Amanda (in the middle) and Tianna (on the right). I am surrounded by some fantastically talented (and ridiculously hilarious) people.
On Saturday, Matthew kicked me out of the house. In love. He told me to have some alone time away from home and the computer and everything else. He told me that I should stay away all day, but after five hours of walking alone throughout the many quaint shops (including a huge used book store) I was ready to come home. Click on the photo below to read about why I loved Saturday.
One of the books I picked up was Tuesdays With Morrie, which is the story of a beloved professor who falls victim to ALS and asks a former student to embark on the “project” of documenting his final weeks. I plowed through it in record time. I’ve always been a fast reader…
The truths spoken in the book made me smile, nod and tuck them deep within my being. The vivid reality of what my Dad is truly going to experience made me a little more fearful for the future. I don’t know if I’m capable to be strong enough when we get to that place but I’ve resolved to make it happen, for his sake.
In the meantime I plan to laugh openly, live hugely and love wildly. I’m going to keep dancing in between the tears.
21 Comments
I love how the photos of the boys are blurred except for them, beautiful and also maintains the privacy of the other kids. Brilliant!
I am glady you are all dancing in between the tears because what else could possibly be more important?! Hugs!
Kami’s Khlopchyk´s last blog ..Virtually a Christmas Card 
Thinking of you and sending virtual hugs.
Trenches of Mommyhood´s last blog ..I’m Usually Behind the Camera, So This One is a Keeper
When I saw the title I immediately thought of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RV-Z1YwaOiw
If you are not familiar with country music, get a box of kleenexes, you’ll need it!
Sending hugs and prayers and wishing you as much time as possible.
Amanda´s last blog ..Something Shiny and Cool
Tuesdays with Morrie is such a wonderful book. I’m so glad that you picked it up and Kudos to Matthew for giving you such a gift.
Those pictures are simply amazing. Your kids are so beautiful and so lucky to have parents who appreciate the beauty of their minds and hearts.
rachel-asouthernfairytale´s last blog ..Cheesy Chipotle, Corn and Zucchini Casserole
You are unbelievably strong babe, and a strength you didn’t know you had will start to rise from the ashes of the pain and fear you’re feeling now. I promise you that. I also promise that you can lean on me, anytime. Please please do. That’s what friends are for.
(And I just managed to reference two cheesy friendship songs in one comment. WIN.)
(But seriously. I love you.)
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Hugs. Great post. Thanks for sharing, as always, so much. You do a great, great job of letting us all in your life.
I’ve always wanted to read that book.
Danica´s last blog ..My Favorite Part
I can’t even imagine what it must be like, but I think you have the right attitude. Just know that you have so many people around you, far and wide, who are here for you when you need us!
Love you!
Kristabella´s last blog ..Groundhog Day
Hi Angella, I was so sad to read about your fathers diagnosis. I guess its good that it was caught so early so you can all make plans. I’ll pray for him and your family, and hope you will continue to live in such a way to keep your father in your heart and in your lives as long as you can.
Take care, I won’t tell you to be strong because I see that you are every day. You are an amazing woman.
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Hugs and love
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Hi Sweetie, it is good to read your words today. I am honored that you share this with us and that we are here to back you up. I am honored that I can go to the throne of God on behalf of all of you and ask for strength at this time. I understand the feeling of thinking what is ahead for your Dad. My son Sean and his finace are here right now and we were discussing your dad. My son loves his Uncle Al and is deeply saddened to hear he is ill. I also know and have experienced some of what your Dad will have to face. When your body does not co-operate and do as you ask it to do. Or if a part stops working, whether is be breathing or swallowing or just the simple task of keeping your head held up. Walking and talking, breathing are truly a gift from God and a priviledge. I remember telling your dad how the illness taught me a lot and what really matters. And just telling him how much you love him, how much you need him and what influence he has on your life is fuel for him. I knew when I was unable to move, when I was on life support and the only way I could communicate was with a spoon tapping on the side rails of the bed. One for no two for yes. There is only one, wonderful thing you experience in this time, yes there is, I know that is hard to believe but that is when you know that your spirit and your body are two very different things. That your spirit is alive and well and when we do “lose” him he will again run and be free and without pain. Al has a deep faith, we all do, this is an answer from years of prayer that his Mother did for him and the family. With this faith he will be close to God and as I did he will crawl up in the arms of God and be comforted. I know that heaven is real , I have “died” and been there for but a brief moment but all heaven is watching your dad right now. They will comfort him as his body starts to fail, and hold him. I love Al and he will always be my brother, but right now I will place him at the throne and ask God to care for my brother through this time and keep him safe. When I was so sick , I could not speak but for some reason in my head the song ” Let there be praise” Sandy Patti, kept going through my head over and over. I thought I was crazy singing praises as I laid there in a almost dead useless body, but I wasn’t because I was still there and I felt Gods peace. My Gods peace the one that is beyond all understanding be in your Dads spirit and heart right now and all those who love him. We all surround you in love and prayer. Auntie Jill
Comment by Auntie Jill on December 21st, 2009 @ 11:33 amThe quote from your stepmom is about as beautiful, heart-wrenching, and totally truthful as it gets. If you and your family continues to dance between the tears, then you will come out on top. Like I said before, prayers are with you all. Whether you think you are strong enough to handle this or not, you ARE. Even if you doubt it, God doesn’t, your family doesn’t and your friends [virtual and real life] don’t. We know you are strong enough for anything.
My thoughts and prayers.
Laura´s last blog ..Cake Magic!
“Dancing in between the tears” – that is so beautiful! Your stepmom sounds like a very wise woman. I know that your faith and your strength will help you to dance, and not to be ashamed of crying. Both are needed. I’m praying for you heaps!
So glad you were able to enjoy the wonderful moments of your kids’ concerts and a day out by yourself, I’m sure that’s what your Dad wants you to do. HUGS!
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Just wanted to throw my thoughts and prayers in there, too. Tuesdays with Morrie is a powerful read. I really enjoyed it, too.
Elizabeth´s last blog ..Best Laid Plans
We’re praying for you guys! I can’t imagine how hard it is to process that kind of information. But just remember that God is Sovreign! We have one friend diagnosed with a leathal brain tumor that they game her 6 months to live, that was 7 years ago. Another friend is 6 years past when they told her she would join her heavenly Father. He’s in control and sometimes that feels like it sucks, even when we know it’s “for the best” . We will be praying for healing for your Dad. There is always a first one to beat a disease!
You are loved across the wires, and the miles. And so is your family. Thank you for sharing them with us.
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Graham in the black hat is KILLING me.
Great photos, lady 
hillary´s last blog ..The Licence Plate Said Fresh And It Had Dice In The Mirror
I don’t even know what to say about your Dad. It’s so sad but it sounds like you are approaching it with a really positive attitude. Some of your most special memories may end up being from this time.You know how we sometimes don’t truly appreciate people or show them how much we care about them until they are gone? Being given this timeline must be so difficult but you will have a chance to show him how much you love him for however much time you have left together.
Comment by Tamara on December 21st, 2009 @ 4:19 pmIsn’t the internet wonderful?
Thinking of you, and meant to pass along some love earlier in the week but I was stuck at the hospital with hubby.
You don’t have to be strong all the time, that’s what your friends are for, to hold you up.
Have a merry Christmas, Angella!
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{HUGS}
kim @ mommyknows´s last blog ..The House that …
it’s good to dance and laugh and smile. You need to do it FOR HIM. love you, lady.
ali´s last blog ..GOOD THINGS.
I’m sorry about your Dad’s diagnosis. You are so right that living life to the fullest is the only way to get through it. ((hugs))
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I’m glad there’s been moments of joy and fun and peace in between the heart-aching and fears. You deserve them.
Comment by Amanda Brown on December 21st, 2009 @ 7:52 amAmanda Brown´s last blog ..It’s Only 8 Seconds Long. Humour Me.