This will be quick — or at least that’s the plan as I sit here – because I am EXHAUSTED. It’s been a draining week emotionally, and on top of dealing with the anxiety and the sore tummy and the crying, the other two have had less than stellar nights. They’re happy and fine and great during the day but the nights have been rough. Graham has a head cold with a sore throat, and Emily has been having bad dreams and crawling into my bed/wedding her feet into my ribs and smacking me in the face when she rolls over. Tuesday night saw me up between the hours of 2:30 and 5:00 a.m. and then getting up at 5:45 to head to work.

Oh, and I’ve come down with a cough.

The only reason I’m making an effort to sit down and write something here is because, after a couple of days of tears (both his and mine), yesterday saw a breakthrough. School has not been happening, because it’s become this insurmountable fear, and causing the bulk of the worry. Matthew spent the day in Nathan’s classroom (working in the corner, back to the class) and Nathan had a great! day. He was engaged, and played with his friends at recess and lunch, and ended the day with a smile on his face. He complained of a sore tummy twice – when he was not in sight of his Dad – but no tears and his teacher got him back on track. The plan is for Matthew to only stay until lunch time tomorrow, and this caused NO drama tonight.

Oh, you guys, I haven’t detailed what our days have been like but this is HUGE. Time will tell if it works, but his lack of “sore tummy” last night is something we haven’t had in nearly two weeks. And while he’s had a lot of good moments, yesterday afternoon and evening he seemed like the “regular” Nathan. Laughing and goofing around and excited about show and share at school tomorrow (he’s bringing his baby photo book). He’s excited for 100′s Day on Friday as well and ate all of his supper and didn’t have any quiet and sullen moments and, oh. I feel like I can breathe a little bit.

We still have plans to talk to somebody and I’m sure we’ll still have to hand hold him for a little bit, but yesterday gave me hope. Hope. Gosh, It feels so good to say that.

This is where I would love to say that everything is fine. It’s all worked out and, oh! Maybe I built it up more than it was or maybe we turned a corner or maybe we found a solution. No, no, and no.

We did talk to a counselor (psychologist? I think?) who goes to our church. She called me back on Thursday night after the kids were in bed and gave me hope that this was normal and not insurmountable. She gave me some tips for now, and is going to try to squeeze us in this week. Matthew talked to her at church yesterday and she feels as though God is telling her that she should help us as quickly as she can. So, yay!

It’s still been hard, hope aside.

I have Fridays off, and we thought it would be fun to take the kids out of school to go skiing. Nathan, aka He Who Is The Best Skier, got worked up about going skiing. He was worried that he “might get hurt.” We told him that he did not have to ski. Dad and Mom would take turns sitting with him if he didn’t want to go. If he changed his mind, he could ski if he wanted to. We would support him either way. He had nothing to worry about.

He still worried. And cried the tortured cry and clutched his stomach.

We had this conversation multiple times on the hour-long drive up to the ski hill, and played it cool. And then he strapped on his skis.

The rest of the morning was good. SO GOOD. Back to (our) normal, even.

And then we broke for lunch.

All of a sudden the mere thought of skiing was enough to make him tear up and clutch his stomach. Again.

Matthew stayed with him while I did a run with Graham and Emily. They did some runs on the bunny hill during our absence and upon our return we decided to one run all together — just one — and go from there. That run turned into one more, and then Jr. Sporto and Sr. Sporto did yet another run together.

It’s been a non-stop ride all weekend, this anxiety train. Life is good! We’re having fun! His stomach is hurting because … something may happen in the future. His last worry at the end of the day yesterday was that his stomach might hurt. His worrying is what makes his stomach hurts, and he was worrying that his stomach might hurt. If only he understood irony.

We’re dealing, because we have to, but I won’t lie to you guys (or myself). This is really, really hard. We’re doing the best with the tools that we have, but we’re both pretty worn down. Matthew has an anxiety background, so he “gets” where Nathan is coming from, but even he is at a loss. Something snapped within Nathan, and we don’t know why, and we don’t have the right duct tape on hand.

We’ll get there, I know, but it won’t likely be any time soon.

*Jars of Clay. We saw them January 28th. Their music is woven into the tapestry of my life.

Christmas recap, done! But that’s not what I’m excited about. I’m excited that we finally made it up to the ski hill to take lessons. OH, YOU GUYS.

We got up to the hill yesterday, about an hour before the kids’ lessons started, in order to get their skis waxed. As we pulled in to the parking lot they were so! excited! They were going to LEARN HOW TO SKI! As we were hanging out in the ski shop, Graham was talking about how we should buy a cabin up there and spend all of our winters SKIING. (This, from a dude who’d yet to strap a pair of skis on.) Before we knew it, the skis were ready and it was time to head down to the group lessons area. I think that the best way to cover yesterday is to do it timeline-style.

9:25 Gather in the area where the groups of children are divided into their respective skills level. Let Mom take an obligatory photo because you are so! excited! to learn how to ski.

9:30 Strap on skis while we wait for groups to be sorted out and walk around a flat area to get the feel for them. So far, so good!

9:45 Find their instructor and as he leads them in a different direction on the “flat” area, Emily slips and then throws herself to the ground in frustration. “THIS IS TOO HARD!” Tears, flailing, the whole bit, despite all of our pep talks telling her that this is how it would be. We begged, we pleaded, we played tough.

9:55 Still dealing with Emily. Her big wish for taking lessons was that she be with her brothers, and not a stranger. We told her that we did not have the ability to teach her, so she either stayed with the group, or she’d have private lessons with a stranger. We also told her to just try it until lunch, and then we’d assess. We walked away as Graham was holding her hand and helping her “walk.”

10:30 We returned and peeked out a window to see them sitting on a snow bank, eating snow. I went to them and asked them if they were on a break, or if something else was going on. Graham, in a teary voice: “We just want to go home.” Emily had a quivering lip and Nathan wiped away crocodile tears while saying, “This is SO HARD.” I told them that it IS hard, but that after they got it, they would have SO MUCH FUN. I had them promise to try until lunch, and then we’d talk about it. Matthew and I stayed to help (the instructor is a great kid, but was outnumbered with five kids who had never been on skis before.)

11:30 Nathan masters “the pizza” (snowplow). Graham is getting there, and Emily has found her balance.

12:00 Lunch. The kids are looking forward to their afternoon lessons.

1:30 Graham (almost) masters “the pizza.” Emily is doing small, unassisted spurts, and staring to “pizza.” Nathan has been told that he will move from the tiny hill to the bunny hill tomorrow.

2:30 Lesson is over. Graham has mastered “the pizza.” Emily is doing AMAZING, and the instructor remarks on her improvement. Nathan won’t stop talking about the bunny hill.

We get home, eat, and then go sit in the hot tub, etc.

TODAY

The kids spent the morning practicing on the wee hill. Normally, those who were ready would be moved to a different instructor so that they could start on the bunny hill, but it’s a busy week. Everyone had to wait for Emily and one other kid. We helped as much as we could but knew she’d be better if her instructor had more one-on-one time with her. We went to pick up our own skis from getting waxed and geared up and returned to hear (and see) that she could do “the pizza”!

We had lunch and the kids were talking about how much they LOVED skiing and how HAPPY they were and how much FUN they were having. A complete 180 from the morning before and it made me so happy. It hurt my heart to see them so frustrated, but I knew that temporary pain would provide years of gain. It was still hard, though. I spent a lot of time watching them through the window upstairs.

After lunch entailed not only their afternoon lesson, but also a lesson for Matthew and I. I skied sporadically throughout my teens and early twenties, but it’s been a good fourteen years and I thought lessons would be a good idea. Matthew predicted that he’d be flailing everywhere and bailing all over the hill, despite the fact that he’s a natural athlete. At 1:15, we met with our instructor, shortly after taking this photo.

After 90 minutes, we were turning, we were gliding, and we were doing hockey stops. Yes, we were on the bunny hill, but we rocked that bunny hill. Bonus: Neither of us bailed or even did any arm-windmill action.

As for the kids? All three of them spent the afternoon ripping up the bunny hill with their instructor. He still did some backwards skiing for Emily by the end of the day, but the boys were free to go and wait for him at the bottom of the hill. We let them go a few times after our lessons, and they seriously flew. And Emily? Well, the instructor thinks she’ll be ready for solo trips by the end of tomorrow.

We can’t wait to be back up there the rest of the week (and the season) to keep getting better and to keep having fun.

Best. Decision. EVER.

2003

(I apparently thought eyebrows were overrated.)

2004

(Graham and Nathan-bean.)(Now with even less eyebrows!)

2005

(They were so WEE.)

2006

(Emily was so tiny! SO TINY.)

2007

(Little Miss Thumb Sucker was rocking her fierce pose. The dudes are slaying me.)

2008

(Wait. That was THREE YEARS AGO?)

2009

(Cannon Beach, Oregon. Photo courtesy of Kerri Anne.)

2010

I managed to grab a photo of the five of us that we all liked with less than ten tries.

I also took this one on Christmas Eve.

It’s in a frame in my office.

2011

We walked down to the bridge crossing the creek, I wielded my camera remote, and we came out with this one.

I love seeing the changes from year to year, and extra thankful for the four other members of my family unit. Happy holidays, folks.

I have mentioned a number of times that I have eight siblings. Yes, eight. No, not am “Octomom” eight, but eight. Same Dad, three different Moms. We’re pretty spaced apart, us three sets, but we get along pretty great regardless.

What I may not have talked about in a long time is the one sibling I spent my formative days with. Mel is my sister from the same mother and is 2 1/2 years younger then I. She is also my polar opposite. This is not a bad thing; it is just simply fascinating how two girls, from the same gene pool, can be so different from each other. Anyone who knows us both can attest to the fact that we are like black and white.

Growing up, we were not friends. Oh, my baby sister would cut anyone who hurt her big sister (she’s even feistier than I am) but the rest of the time we led different lives. Except, you know, when she was chasing me around the house with a serrated knife (!) or we were fighting about anything and everything. I will still fight for her if need be, but I wouldn’t say that we’re close. She’s my sister and I love her and that’s where we’re at.

I am no longer a child and I am married to a man (over eleven years later, this is still a revelation most days) and we have borne three children. Three children. THREE CHILDREN. Each of whom is the most amazing child that the Earth e’er did see.

(Did my Mom feel the same way about me? I’d like to hope so.)

But these kids are so awesome, so amazing, so hilarious. They crack me up all of the time and they make my heart want to burst with their words and this is a whole new world, for me.

Glimpses:

We say grace every night at dinner every night and Emily often volunteers. “Thank you so much for my family and that I love them so much and that I have the best Mom and Dad in the whole world and I love them so much.”

And I quote (myself): Graham emailed me to ask if they could stay home from school on Friday. I wrote back and asked why. Him: “Because I want to spend time with you.”

Quoting myself (again): Nathan: “Mom! Graham is bugging me while I’m trying to read.” Me: “Graham! Are you being a wenis?” Him: “Sort of.” At least he’s honest.

When it was time for the kids to go to bed last night, I made sure everyone brushed their teeth and then asked Emily what book she wanted to read. Graham asked if he could read to her. Nathan asked if he could join them. Then Graham came out a few minutes later to ask if they could read her a second book. Nathan then came out to get me to sign his homework and go to bed. Graham asked if he could cuddle with Emily to go to sleep, because she asked him to.

(I love my kids so hard.)

I went in to get him and as I tucked him in, he said that he had sung her a lullaby. (Graham DOES NOT SING.) I asked what he had sung to her and he said that he had made something up.

Emily got up to ask me for a kiss goodnight and as I tucked her in, she told me that Graham had sang to her. I asked her what he had sung to her, and she sang it for me.

Lullaby, lullaby, Emily go to sleep.

I DIE.

I had no idea that siblings could be this close. I kind of love it.

(We’re also nothing like Vancouver – we get very little rainfall here in desert country. While I used to own at least three umbrellas back in my Vancouver days (one in the car, one at the office, one at home), I haven’t owned an umbrella since moving here ten years ago.)

With the warning of a colder than average winter, Matthew and I thought we’d look into our options for a tropical getaway. We’d take a week to go away, just the two of us, in order to recharge our marital batteries, but there is nobody to watch our kids. Boo. We had an opportunity to rent a condo in Neuvo Vallarta from a family member and started planning a family vacation. When looking at our mileage points, we thought that we could cover three flights, use a companion fare, and only have to pay one fare. MEXICO, BABY.

We sat down on Saturday morning to book everything and while talking to a customer service representative, we discovered the following:

1. Only two of our five flights would be covered by miles.

2. We’d have to pay a ridiculous amount of taxes on those flights.

3. The other two flights would costs us a a good chunk of change, and the taxes on the companion fare were also ridiculous.

What we thought would be a $2,000 holiday was looking closer to a $4,000 holiday. For that price, we thought we’d look at deals on all-inclusive resorts. We found one, and so began The Great Debate. My argument was that an all-inclusive resort would be a true vacation. No meals to plan, no groceries to buy, no events to plan. All we had to do was sleep and eat and bring the kids to the Kids’ Club (if they wanted) and lay by the pool and watch the evening entertainment. Matthew’s argument was that we could stay at the condo for cheaper, and we could stay for longer and we might be disappointed by the all-inclusive resort after being spoiled (twice) by “our” resort on the Mayan Riviera.

There was some banter, and some debate, and some discussion about the many dollars that this trip would cost, even if going with the “cheaper”/condo version. It was going to cost us more than we had expected. I then threw out an option that Matthew didn’t expect.

Maybe we shouldn’t go to Mexico.

He had been pushing the trip, despite the increased cost, because he knows how much winter gets me down. What I hadn’t communicated to him lately is that now that we have plans to take up skiing, I have watched the snow fall without any dread. I am excited because that means that we will be skiing soon. We will be above the cloud cover, we will be having fun family time and we will be getting fresh air and exercise. WHEE!

I suggested that instead of spending a week in Mexico for FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS, that we spend a week on the local ski hill for far, far less. We’ll still be away from home and we can ski, sled, skate, eat out, play board games, ETCETERA. And, while we’re reallocating FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS, I’d like to request that we spend seven nights at “our” cabin in Cannon Beach next July, instead of our usual four nights.

We both agreed that it was the best idea and spent the rest of the day sporting goofy grins because we know that it is the best option for us. We would still like to get away, just the two of us, and are hoping to make that happen somehow (Any takers?). Whether that happens or not, it feels really great to make decisions that aren’t just financially sound, but that will be a whole lot of fun.

Besides. These crazy kids seem to like the snow.

*Having a sledding hill in your backyard is a little bit awesome.

**More sledding photos on Flickr. Man, it felt good to take photos with the big camera and play around with editing.

This boy?

Now looks like this:

He and Emily both came down with Strep throat two weekends ago and finished their antibiotics on Monday. On Tuesday he told me that his throat was “a little bit sore.” Mine was feeling dry due our wood stove and thought maybe it was the same for him. That is, until he came into our room at midnight in tears because his throat hurt. I got him some Advil, some ice water and rubbed his back for a bit.

He was back in our room at 5:30 a.m., crying again. This had nothing to do with dry air and everything to do with the antibiotics not killing off the Strep.

Matthew stayed home with him for the morning and took him to our Doctor. The plan is to try this other type of antibiotics and if they don’t work, we’ll look at other options. By “options”, we’re looking at possibly having surgery to have his tonsils removed. The Doctor says that they don’t take that route very often anymore, but sometimes it’s necessary.

I get that, and I know that having them removed would be better in the long run instead of having repeated doses of antibiotics (and possibly rendering them ineffective), but this is Nathan. Not only is he my slightest child, he’s also the one who has already had surgery before. He had tubes put in his ears when he was three because he’d had multiple ear infections and his ear drums were “under water” and it was affecting his hearing.

He is my most fragile child, by nature. He wears his heart on his sleeve, has the biggest tears I’ve ever seen when he’s upset and is my most sensitive child (though the other two are softies as well). He loves big and smiles bigger and his hugs are the biggest you’ve ever experienced. I am protective of all my children but I feel like I need to shield him a little bit more than the other two, somehow. The fact that he’s turning out to be my most physically fragile kid just doesn’t seem fair…and makes things like “routine” surgery harder on me. Me, who is a glass half full/everything will be fine/there’s nothing to worry about girl. I get knots in my stomach and do a lot of fretting and feel a little bit fearful. He’s my Nathan, you know?

Those last two sentences prove my point. Nothing has been decided regarding surgery and I’m already nervous about it. I do feel better now that I’ve written it down, so at least there’s that.We’ll just have to wait out this week of antibiotics and go from there.

As for the title, when we got back from the Doctor’s, Nathan’s teeth started chattering because he’d sprung a fever. And then, around 7:00, he barfed all of the contents of his stomach (medicine, mixed with a few bites of pudding and a few crackers) into an empty bucket. Strep, fever and the flu. Because of course.

Yesterday afternoon, the kids and I had plans to go for a walk down to the creek with the dogs. Graham and Emily decided that they wanted to watch Daddy get the ‘whiz bang’ going (that’s a story for another day), but Nathan piped up that he’s still go with me. “Just me and you, Mom!”

We weren’t but twenty steps into our walk when he said how happy he was that it was just the two of us. We held hands, we talked about school and friends and our weekend and, of course, stopped to take a photo to document the occasion.

If you’ve ever met Nathan, then you know what a neat kid he is. He with the hugs and the smiles and the hugs and the jokes and the hugs and the green eyes and the hugs and, as of this week, the daily shirt and tie he likes to wear.

I love him so much.

Before we even started trying to get pregnant and have kids, Matthew and I would discuss the names that we wanted for our future children. If our first child was a boy, I wanted to name him Graham. My Step Mom was instrumental in my decision to become a Christian, her maiden name was Graham, and if I had not made that decision I would not be married to Matthew, so. It seemed perfect. He agreed.

If our first child was a girl, she would be named Naomi. We like traditional names and Naomi is both traditional and pretty, in our opinions.

As for that first child’s middle name, I share a middle name with my Mom and thought that I would share my middle name with my first daughter, should the opportunity arise. I suggested that our firstborn son share Matthew’s middle name, in keeping with that theme. He thought it was a great idea.

While waiting to see who came forth from our first full-term pregnancy, we would wither be meeting a Graham Jonathon or a Naomi Dian.

We met Graham Jonathon on December 29th, 2002.

During our second pregnancy, we struggled with boys’ names until the very end. We had our girl’s name lined up, but what were we going to call this baby should it be a boy? I suggested that the middle name be Matthew, so that if there were two boys, each boy would have one of his Dad’s names. Matthew’s response was a teary, “Really?” Yes, really. It was mere days before we had our next baby that we decided on a first name for a boy. We really liked Nathaniel but we (didn’t know if it was too long of a name, and) hate shortened names. We settled on Nathan.

Nathan Matthew was born on August 25th, 2004.

We had two babies, twenty months apart, and wondered if we might be done. Two kids so wee, with all of the feedings and diapers and naps and all of the insanity made us think that our first vision of Three Kids might be ridiculous. We knew it was not the time to take drastic actions and when Sir Nathan was around a year old I said that I thought that I might want to have one more baby. Just one more, boy or girl.

Matthew had been feeling the same way and so we embarked on a third pregnancy.

We were back in the names discussion and decided that Naomi was off the table for a girl; it sounded too close to Nathan. (I still mourn the loss of the name. I love it so.) What first name would we use if we should have a girl? We loved Emily but it was the number one name in our province which meant…nothing. We loved it and we would use it. Amen.

As for the name if we were to have a third boy, our discussions/debates were never ending. Matthew’s siblings kept having boys, too, which meant that traditional names that we loved were being knocked out of the running. At the eleventh hour we decided that if this baby were a boy, he would be named David Christopher.

Emily Dian was born on October 11th, 2006.

Names are important to me; this is obvious. I do not like to shorten names, except in certain circumstances. Graham is Graham. Nathan is Nathan. Emily is Emily. Matthew is Matthew (except at the church, where he is Mr. Matt). My name is Angella, Ange if you are a friend of mine, Angie if you have a death wish.

While thinking about this yesterday, I came to a startling realization. I know where my middle name comes from but I have no idea why my name has two L’s. I love it, it is me and it is the perfect fit. I cannot imagine going by any other name. I now need to find out how my name came to be.

2006 – The year of the Batmen

Those were actually pajamas. Double duty! (Duty. Heh.)

2007 – They’re Incredible

ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?

2008 – Optimus Prime (Graham), Belle and Bumblebee (Nathan)

Too awesome for words.

2009 – Ironmen and a Little Mermaid

Love, love, love.

2010 – Darth Vader (Nathan), Cinderella and Boba Fett the Storm Trooper (Graham)

Have you figured out the theme yet?

2011 – Two Ninjas and a Snow White

I look forward to their costume selection every year. I also look forward to looking back over previous years’ costumes every year because SERIOUSLY. This is awesome in action.