It is no news that I have been feeling a little melancholy lately.  I have been taking steps to keep the whole s.a.d. thing in line. Vitamin D! Exercise! Good eating habits!

(Vitamin D is the only new thing, but it seems to be helping a little.)

(I have to confess that I hate even bringing that all up.  I don’t want to be one of those people.  You know the ones.  They who who play up any drama in their lives in order to try to evoke empathy.  Just know that I am writing from my heart, and nothing less. I only wanted to let those of you who are wondering know that I am doing what I can.)

There is something about Winter that brings out a whole other side of me.  I complain frequently about my hatred of winter. There is the cold, and the snow, and the daylight hours that end before they truly begin. The days are long, dark, dreary. There are no more days spent shuttling to and from the beach.  No more packing and unpacking snacks, toys, SAND. While I love the summer weather, the crazy could be tempered a little bit.

The winter days are still busy, yes, but not as they are in the summer.  Time is spent indoors. There are pictures to be colored, lego creations to be built, imaginations to be explored.

I find myself with more time to think.  I do that a lot, all year ’round. Think. While driving, while in a check-out line, while showering. The wheels are always turning. Always.

Now that the bulk of my time is spent indoors, with no distractions apart from the wiping of a dirty bum (or couch), I have even more time to think. Reflect. Ponder.

Through in some contemplative Christmas music, and you have a recipe for disaster. Or possibly, success.

This past week has found me in a whole new place.  I had put myself in a box, creatively. I have been challenged to break down the walls. To stop doing the things I have been doing so consistently. To stop catering to my own “formula”. Post a photo, write some words, fit the mold.

I have created this mold. It is all sorts of stupid.  I have kept a journal ever since I was twelve years old.  There were no photos. Just (awkward, angsty) words.

I need to have more confidence in my writing ability.  I struggle with this.  I should be able to write what is on my heart without fear of repercussions.  My thoughts and feelings are just that. My thoughts and feelings.  If I am inspired to share them, to write them, to find that bit of healing that comes from just getting it out, others should not be offended.  If they are? They are welcome to not come here.

They are also welcome to come to the realization that that it is not about them.

This is not to say that I will throw out the photos and the tidbits.  They are true, they are real, they are part of the complexity that is Angella.  I just know that some of my most favourite posts are ones that I just wrote from the heart. There were often tears involved while I poured out my heart.  No editing, no fear of repercussions. Just the truth.

My other barrier had been the fact that I want to do everything well.  I have talked before about my abilities, my drive, my husband’s statement that everything I touch turns to gold. I have been getting better at paring down what I focus on. My problem is that sometimes I still feel like that thirteen-year-old girl who desperately wanted to be liked.  When people present me with opportunities I want to say yes because they like me. THEY REALLY LIKE ME.

This week has brought me back to the list of goals that I wrote out last month.  I wrote them out…and have done not a thing about them. I have been called on that very fact and made to set dates, take steps, live outside the zone of comfort that I have created for myself.

I want to break through the fortress of walls that I have built.  I want to step to the edge. To look down, to step out, to see what happens. I am excited to see where it will take me. I am also a little scared.

However. It is time that I stopped being fearful of what could be, and started being fearful of what could not be. How about you?

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  1. Camels & Chocolate December 11, 2008 12:18 am edit

    I’m going through some of this myself right now. The lack of confidence in my writing ability and whatnot. It didn’t use to be an issue, because I had regular writing gigs and editors that would assign me things without any work on my part, but now that the world is ending (or at least in the media sense it is) and everyone’s folding and whatnot, I’m left out of a lot of work. I should seize the day and look at this as an opportunity to step outside of my box and research and write up some of the pitches I’ve been passionate about for so long (I just did one moments ago!) for new magazines, but it’s scary! Rejection hurts =)

    Camels & Chocolate’s last blog post..The Best Way to Spread Christmas Cheer*

  2. Lisa December 11, 2008 1:05 am edit

    Haha. WE REALLY LIKE YOU. That doesn’t have anything to do with you taking us up on our offer or not. Well, it’s not really our offer. But you know what I mean.

  3. wwcutie December 11, 2008 5:14 am edit

    I’m so glad you brought up the S.A.D. again, because I realized this week that it’s affecting me. And after having depression last winter, I’m TERRIFIED!

    So, vitamin D?

    wwcutie’s last blog post..random thoughts

  4. angella December 11, 2008 5:17 am edit

    Yeah. Going outside helps, but I’m a pansy when it comes to being cold. I’ve also been buying myself flowers once a week or so; I did that last winter and it cheered me up. It also gives me something pretty to photograph :)

  5. slynnro December 11, 2008 5:48 am edit

    I do the same thing with my own “Formula.” I feel like I have to be funny all the time and I can’t write anything serious.

    slynnro’s last blog post..What Music Are the Kids Listening To Today?

  6. ali December 11, 2008 7:08 am edit

    twins. of course :)
    i struggle with this too. getting caught in a formula. that’s why my post about fatAli was so cathartic for me. it’s easy to hide behind snark…it’s less easy to put it all out there. i do snark really well, on screen and in my real life!

  7. gorillabuns December 11, 2008 8:32 am edit

    I think posts from the heart are why most blog. I personally like to read about the inner person than the outer.:)

  8. sizzle December 11, 2008 8:57 am edit

    It’s always better to take the risk. Less regrets that way and a whole lot more living. Easier said than done but worth the momentary freak out.

    sizzle’s last blog post..Magnetic Couch

  9. angella December 11, 2008 9:06 am edit

    And the nerves, and the nausea…but life is for the LIVING, right?

  10. Lylah December 11, 2008 9:44 am edit

    I’ve been a journalist for 20 years and I struggle with this every single day — I call myself a “lazy perfectionist,” because not only do I want to do everything well, I want to do it perfectly right off the bat so that I don’t waste time or energy. Not realistic… everything in life takes practice.

    I also struggle with wanting to do everything (I see a blog post or an article and think, “I can do that! Why am I not already doing that? Why didn’t I do that FIRST?) but being fearful of failure.

    Your writing is wonderful. I am so glad that you share it!

    Lylah’s last blog post..What does your inbox look like?

  11. ELizabeth December 11, 2008 9:47 am edit

    Peace and Joy, Angella. That’s all I can think through this fog in my head…

    ELizabeth’s last blog post..It’s catching

  12. Jenn December 11, 2008 10:07 am edit

    I agree that it is a challenge to write from the heart. I have this post that has been brewing in my head for a while, but I wouldn’t say it as well as others may and I’ll offend some family members by saying it… so for the moment it stays in my head.

    Jenn

    Jenn’s last blog post..Interesting Reads

  13. Sharon December 11, 2008 10:09 am edit

    This year has been the year of facing my fears. I’ve done so many things that I was afraid of or had put off doing for too long, and am slowly learning to conquer some of my most debilitating phobias. It sure as hell hasn’t been easy, but I’ve learned and grown so much because of it.

    Now I know what I can write about at the end of the year. :)

    Sharon’s last blog post..Olympics, baby!

  14. Mrs. Wilson December 11, 2008 10:30 am edit

    “If I am inspired to share them, to write them, to find that bit of healing that comes from just getting it out, others should not be offended. If they are? They are welcome to not come here.

    They are also welcome to come to the realization that that it is not about them.”

    Wow. I totally get that. Any blog post that I write, I’m always like Will this offend my mother? Because I REALLY don’t want to hear about it over and over AND OVER again.

    And yah, I like you!

    Mrs. Wilson’s last blog post..Thankfulness and a bit of humour

  15. Kerri Anne December 11, 2008 11:57 am edit

    In my experience writing from the heart is some of the hardest writing. And also the greatest.

    What I’ve realized lately: I am more afraid of regret than I am of actually succeeding, or what it will take for me to actually succeed in the areas of my life I want and need to.

    Kerri Anne’s last blog post..And The People Who Left Me Keep Asking When I’m Coming Back To Town, Part Three Of Three

  16. christy December 11, 2008 1:14 pm edit

    Writing is such a vulnerable thing. Especially on the internet. I encourage you to stay true to you and to God and what will be will be.

    Love you.

  17. Kami December 11, 2008 1:16 pm edit

    I can relate, especially about offending people, what with my “best friend” telling me that my posts offend her and all…..

    Here’s to thumbing our noses in the air and saying I am who I am. Like it or leave it!

    Ps, I’ll let you know when I get there!

    Kami’s last blog post..Is God plugged in?

  18. She Likes Purple December 11, 2008 4:22 pm edit

    Of course it’s just one lone opinion, but I have always loved your more serious, thoughtful posts. It lets us see the real woman behind the great photographer and wonderful mother/wife. My favorite Internet writers are funny, sure, but they write from the heart, and I don’t think you can ever go wrong when you do that. The readers who truly matter will always support you. xoxo.

    She Likes Purple’s last blog post..Soaking it up

  19. metalia December 11, 2008 7:37 pm edit

    Wow; I was pretty much going to write EXACTLY what She Likes Purple did. :)

    metalia’s last blog post..Baby v. New Toy

  20. Tracee Sioux December 11, 2008 8:23 pm edit

    Joined Toastmasters cause it’s like cliff diving.

    Announced on my website that I wanted to be a life coach because I’m a really good mentor and needed $6,000 to take a Martha Beck course. . . . it felt a little like Internet Suicide. Mostly everyone pretended not to see it – God, she drank the cool aid they probably though. One really generous and encouraging stranger sent me $50. Only $5,925 to go.

    Tracee Sioux’s last blog post..Thank God There Was No Facebook

  21. 180/360 December 12, 2008 12:01 am edit

    I definitely hide behind photos when I don’t feel like talking, but it’s usually because I just find it is better to let words come out organically and in their own time.

    I wrote from the heart in my most recent post, knowing full well that it would be controversial, but I just had to get it off my chest regardless of what anyone else had to say about it. Some people got it, some missed the boat, some argued back – but bottom line is the words are not festering in me now. The only repercussion I worry about is the danger of keeping things inside that need to come out.

    And from an artists standpoint, breaking free of your molds is one of the best things you can do to grow. One of my favorite quotes is “Periods of creative inactivity are only fertilization for the next stage.”

    Just don’t let fear hold you back from getting to that next stage.

    180/360′s last blog post..Blog for sale

  22. Hilary December 12, 2008 8:37 am edit

    “… It is time that I stopped being fearful of what could be, and started being fearful of what could not be. How about you?” Am delighted to have discovered your blog via DadGoneMad- you have SUCH a beautiful home and children :) Also, I am on board for fearing what could NOT happen vs. what could.

  23. Kristabella December 12, 2008 2:16 pm edit

    I had a conversation with a friend, who was blogging way before me, and we were talking about writing. He started a blog to write. He never really participated in the whole community and commenting everywhere, he just started a site to write and keep up with friends and family without sending out mass emails every day.

    I mentioned to him sometimes how it feels like I have to write certain things or a certain way on my blog. And he reminded me that it isn’t the point. It is YOUR site, you own it, and you’re allowed to do and say on it what you want, within reason. But it is definitely something we all struggle with, probably more so with women because I think we’re natural people pleasers.

    But I’m with you. I need to stop being so afraid of what other people may think or say.

    Kristabella’s last blog post..Almost Friday Bullets

  24. Michele December 13, 2008 9:43 pm edit

    Thanks for sharing this…It gave me some reminders for myself.

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