Boys Will Be Boys?

AMEN SISTA!!!

I have the same parenting ideals as you. Yes, boys will be boys, but they can ALSO SAY SORRY! (As can girls.) AND THEY DON’T HAVE TO BE ROTTON LITTLE TERRORS!

Great post!

Mrs. Wilson’s last blog post..Shower Power

I agree with you 100%. I don’t have kids, but sad as it is, there are many adults who act like children, if not even worse! Is it that hard to say, excuse me, sorry or thank you?! I am all about being polite and can’t stand it when others aren’t.

Shelly’s last blog post..Theo Tams WINS Canadian Idol!!!!!

I totally agree with you and the above comment. I don’t have kids yet either but I work with kids and sometimes when I meet their parents it makes sense why little Johnny has a bad attitude. You seem to be doing a fantastic job
karen’s last blog post..disneyland - offering something for nothing!

It’s sad to have that kind of parenting collide with your own children. All we can really do is do our own parenting.

witchypoo’s last blog post..Anxiety

You are not off-base. Saying sorry goes a long way and more people should be saying it!

sizzle’s last blog post..Pep Talk

Oh I couldn’t agree with you more. I have two boys myself so I don’t know what life with girls is like. But I love my life with the boys. They are still little (2 years and 9 months) but already quite a handful. Like your blog
Mimi

Mindful Mimi’s last blog post..How to potty train your toddler and not go insane

A-frickin-men, sister. I am constantly blown away by the lack of please, thank you, and I’m sorry that I encounter among adults on a daily basis. I think that’s a huge problem: adults have forgotten basic courtesy, so the next generation really doesn’t stand a chance. Sheesh!

abbersnail’s last blog post..The Great Overshare of Aught-Eight

People who excuse bullying behavior is boys will eventually be bailing their sons out of jail…and then explaining to their friends that they’re just being boys. Sowing their oats. They grow up to be thugs who don’t work hard, cheat on their wives, beat their kids, and generally suck.

Your boys will be good ones. The kind you’re proud of. The kind who know that they should do the right thing regardless of whether everyone else is doing the right thing or not. Well done, you!

Bridge’s last blog post..Rewind

i agree with you all the way!
we were at the park and a little boy swung and hit my daughter. on purpose. (he had a smug smile). the mom tried to get him to apologize and he refused. so she packed up and left (while i stood there with my mouth hanging open). i couldn’t believe that the mom didn’t even apologize on behalf of her kid; especially since he didn’t.
good for you for teaching and modelling manners!

steph h’s last blog post..sometimes i wonder.

Nope, you are right on the base here. I couldn’t agree more.

Kami’s last blog post..Can you imagine?

I know so many ADULTS who were never really taught the power of “sorry” and other words (like thank-you, please, etc). It’s a pattern that they pass along to their own kids. Whenever I think about raising my kid, I think, “I want him/her to be kind.” And kindness IS part nature, but it’s also totally part nurture and is a learned quality.

You have done such a good job with your kiddos. That’s so obvious.

I wish more parents used your parenting philosophies.

She Likes Purple’s last blog post..For The Internet And My Mother

I totally understand what you are saying. how awesome would this world be if everyone was polite and nice.

Heather-Domestic Extraordinaire’s last blog post..Is Customer Service too much to ask for?

You are definitely NOT off base, Angella. Parents who excuse agressive behaviour by saying it’s just a “boy thing” are being ignorant and irresponsible. It is their JOB as a parent to teach their children right & wrong. Now that’s not to say that if you do that, your children will always behave nicely. But when they DO misbehave, your job is to step in and teach your child to take responsibility for their actions.

Hannah’s last blog post..Four years old

I am not a mom but a teacher. If I ever see a child hurt another (even if by accident, and even if I don’t see it) I get the perpetrator to apologise. And I’m not even their mom.

If there are two sides of the story (and usually there is), I talk to them both, face to face with a conference.

And you know what?

I have NO problems doing this in a grocery store, at a beach, at a marina (as it happened this past summer)… ANYWHERE. I am a teacher, 100% of my life. That means teaching outside of areas where the fenced-yard and the classroom are.

You have to make the choice as to whether sit there and *blink blink* or risk hurting a parent’s feeling by doing the right thing. The right thing? If the other boy is there, it means getting on their level (eye to eye) and asking him what happened.

Yea, it’s akward. Yea, it’s not your kid. But, part of you deep down knows it’s the right thing to do.

Please, please, please don’t think I’m trying to be a dirty ol’ troll… heck, I don’t even have kids….. but giving this boy the good ol’ chat of manners may be what he needs. If his mom objects, then deal with her. She may get offended. That’s alright. She should be, ’cause her kid needs to be taught manners.

Or am I the bad one here? Hehehe… I’ll give you an example, this past summer I was at a Wendy’s here in Petawawa/Pembroke. A lot of kids here have mommies and daddies overseas, and a lot of temporary single-parent families. This one mom at 9:30 was taking her kids out for dinner… (that’s in the PM!) and both were active, cranky looking kids. She was in the line busy trying to order her food and both boys (maybe 2.5 and 4) were literally running all over the place. The 2.5 year old climbed up on the table and was teteering on falling. A restaurant full of people and everyone watching and no one getting up and stopping him. I finally made the choice to get up, pick him up and place him onto the ground. A few things, #1 - I was horrified that the mother DID NOT SEE ME TOUCH HER CHILD. #2 - The child HAD to be told NO, do NOT climb up…. all the while, the mom oblivious. Finally, the mom looked over as I talked with the baby (and really, i think he was closer to 2)… she listened and then he went off and played. A minute later, who gets to go climb back up on the table? He looks at me, I nod my head, “No” and he backs down. The mom realises FINALLY the extent of the interaction.

I hate I had to touch someone’s kid without their permission. I hate that no one else in the restaurant thought to protect this child. But, I love that I can live with myself because, that kid didn’t crack his skull on the tiled floor that day.

Please, please, don’t think I was trying to smack-talk ya here, but if you in your heart know something is wrong, use the judgement and your discerning spirit (and I know you have one) to speak up. At worst, you’ll make a mom feel out of place (and too bad for her) but at best, you’ll save a kid from being hurt.

anji’s last blog post..Almost done!

Absolutely agree. We need to raise are kids to be good people and good citizen….

Nat’s last blog post..The next few hours

We need to teach all of our kids (regardless of gender) right, wrong, manners and very importantly respect and integrity. My son’s school has an entire “class” reserved for such a thing. Teaching the kids to love the world, respect everyone in it and be at peace with each other.

Unfortunately a lot of kids need to shape up and so do some parents.

ps. my daughter is a GAZILLION times more feisty than my son. Help me now! lol..

It’s cool to know that we are of similar approaches to parenting. I really take issue with the “boys will be boys” response. Sure, my son may be a boy, but I’m raising him to be a MAN, thankyouverymuch.

Elizabeth’s last blog post..Before an After

Ohhh that would make me so mad. You are SO totally doing the right thing–you guys are such great parents!

The Over-Thinker’s last blog post..Calling all Jane & John Doe’s II: Pee in the Pool Edition

Great post! If one day I become a parent, I hope I can be half the parent you are!

I agree with what you mean. I guess it goes case by case. And you’re right, you never know what kind of a day someone can have… emotionally they may be having a tough day. I guess part of it comes from the tone of voice or the way they say it, etc. The times are changing and parenting is changing and thus, kids are changing. And that said, I’m definitely not a parent so I can’t really even imagine how it’d feel having another parent tell me how to parent a child! I probably wouldn’t take it the right way

don’t even get me started. I just wrote a two paragraph response to this post and when I went to post it, there was an error on the page. I’m going to make it short this time.

Sounds like we have extremely similar parenting values. I can’t stand peope giving thier kids excuses for their behavior.

Some of my goals in raising my children are as follows:
My kids must know God.
My kids must be respectful of others.
My kids should practice empathy.
They need to say sorry if they hurt someone (feelings, or physically) whether it was an accident or not. Sorry means ‘if I had to do it over again, I would want it to be different’

They must know that they are loved no matter what!

okay. I said I was going to make it short. i could go on…and on…and on. can you imagine what my last response was????

Vicki’s last blog post..Lauren

I hear ya! I witnessed an outrage this very week at a church we were visiting while in Burnaby. My kid and nieces were waiting patiently in line at a kids store where they could spend their “SS money”. We were standing there a good 5 minutes in line already, when a mother and her son approached. The young boy of about 6, marched ahead to the very front of the line and pushed his money out and got what he wanted before anyone else. I was appalled. The worst part was that his mom was standing there the whole time and even passed him more “SS money” when he was short. I would have mentioned something to the boy, but I figured the mom would have called him to the back. My mouth was pretty much gaping open as she walked off with her son and didn’t see anything wrong with their actions.
I also agree, that it isn’t our place to discipline others…especially when the parent is right there…ie. me running after those two. It is a shame when parents won’t do their job of teaching, but they are the ones who get to deal with their BRATS when it’s all said and done.
I think this parenting gig is the toughest thing ever as well. Good on ya for raising well-mannered boys!

Its tough isn’t it? I have a hard time when other kids break the “rules” and aren’t responsible to another adult or anyone else, and try to explain that to my son. You gotta stand tough, stand strong, be that good example. I lay awake at night hoping that I set a good example, and set the necessary limits for my son, so he’ll grow up to be a good kid.

monstergirlee’s last blog post..Need A Little Summer….

Oh, how frustrating! I think people are afraid to take ownership of what they or their children have done. They’re defensive because actually apologizing might mean they actually did something wrong. Bring back the kindness!!

[...] Especially because I know how important it is to teach my boys to respect others. [...]

Chris and I remarked over and over to one another this past week about how sweet and amazing all three of your kiddos are. It was so fantastic to get to really meet them, and to see all five of you together as a family unit who so clearly love and respect one another.

I have never seen a boy Graham’s or Nathan’s age, or ANY brother for that matter, look at their little sister and look at me and completely unprovoked say, “Isn’t she cute? She’s so cute.”

The world is a better place because you and your honey, Emily, Nathan and Graham are in it. Truly.

Big hugs to all of you from us, of course.

Kerri Anne’s last blog post..Reasons To Love Him, #30: Hunter/Gatherer

Oh my God…I even make Hudson say sorry to our DOG when he hurts him by accident (and sometimes on purpose)! It’s such a shame that we live in such a polite society that we feel badly saying anything that may hurt someone’s feelings, even if it’s warrented. I experienced that awkwardness just yesterday when a little boy kept trying to take a toy out of Hudson’s hand during our library storytime. His mom never intervened and I swear he must have tried prying Hudson’s fingers open more than 10 times!

Right on.

Yes, boys will be boys. But they will be BETTER boys if taught the fundamentals that you noted. It’s sad but we all come across these parents. And it makes me sad for the future adults those kids will be.

Kudos to you and your parenting!

Elaine’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday #34 - Pink & Blue

parents who don’t parent make me so very angry. using “boys will be boys” is no excuse.

Wow, great post and I completely agree.

I try so hard to teach my kids to say “please”, “thank you”, “you’re welcome”, “I’m sorry”, and, “I love you”. I know sometimes people think that actions should speak louder than words, but I definitely believe that saying the words is the first step in putting meaning behind the words. (if that makes sense).

I have a problem with a family member who has 4 kids and I seriously doubt they even know the meaning of any of those words. Yes, when they are crying and burying their heads in shame for their actions, they are showing they are “sorry”, but, most likely, the person they offended or hurt will continue to feel offended or hurt until they hear the words “I’m sorry”. And those words never ever come, no matter how grievous the action may be (e.g. young toddler smacking grandma across the face!).

Sadly, I have driven over to this family member’s home to present her kids with their birthday gift only to get a “oh” and slight smile. No thank you whatsover. I know they may like the gift (which is often money for the older kids), but it still bugs the hell out of me!

OK, thanks so much for letting me vent. This is one of those subjects that I can’t talk about on my blog since said family member reads it!

Irene’s last blog post..I may be mistaken, but I think she is cursing!

Oh heck no. Boys will be gentlemen. At least in my family. I don’t allow Judah to act roughly with anyone except Daddy - because Daddy can take it AND he has good boundaries. So, when the playing/roughhousing goes over the line, Daddy reigns it back in. A safe environment to learn how to BE a boy.

But with all others… Judah will be a gentleman.

I hear ya on biting your tongue. Sometimes it’s just the best, most wise thing to do, though everything inside wants to go the other direction.

-Andrea

Andrea’s last blog post..Unbelievably 9 Months

We’re seeing some fascinating differences between our girls (older now) and the new boy (turned one last month). Even at this young age, he does WAY more climbing, throwing, bashing and thumping than the girls ever did. Like WAY more, and we don’t believe that it’s a result of us parenting differently. But who knows? It probably could have just as easily been reversed.

Remember the thread on Kaili’s blog last year about the same topic? I wish she hadn’t done the private-blog lockdown so I could link to it — pretty cool discussion of these same issues, like when to intervene in playground disputes. I like encouraging my kids to try to solve their own problems (and avoid them if possible), but I also don’t at all mind engaging someone else’s kid in a teachable moment, especially if the other parent seems to be oblivious. Lashing out is pointless, but coaching both kids on how to resolve an issue can help — better than only dealing with the “victim” part of the equation.

With our closest friends, we have explicitly agreed that we can discipline each other’s kids when the other parent isn’t available. That doesn’t mean instant punishment, but the right to resolve the situation as necessary with the usual methods — pleading, coaching, reminding, separating kids, taking away offending items, prompting apologies, etc. Seems to work well, but only with friends you’re really close with.

That “boys will be boys” stuff is super irritating, used constantly to justify unacceptable behaviour. Ezra will get the same boundaries and teaching that our girls got, and he’d better be just as polite and kind — it’s a basic expectation.

I’ve been lurking for a bit (not even sure how I got here) but this post made me feel compelled to post. Simply put THANK YOU! (that’s emphatically, not yelling btw). As a teacher I see every day how children are raised and yes, “parenting” for many seems to take a backseat. I have the same ideals on raising children that you have mentioned and imagine how foreign it is for some of my students (gr. 6 this year) to have to apologize, say please and thank you and heaven forbid ask permission before touching and taking. Four weeks in and I still go home exhausted before of the example that I am setting every day. You know what, I wouldn’t have it any other way…okay, perhaps a little help from home with this now and again would be nice!

Oh, something very similar happened to us recently in a bookstore (a boy whomped T on the head with a truck for no reason whatsoever.) and his mom just said, “oh, XXXX, don’t do that.” in this very distracted way, as my kid stood their sobbing. She didn’t make him apologize, didn’t discipline him…I was FLOORED. So yeah, I’m totally on board with you here.

metalia’s last blog post..So George Gershwin, Olivia Newton-John, and T.S. Eliot Walk into a Bar…

Amazing post! I am the mom of two boys, and it always saddens and angers me when I get sympathetic looks for women when they find out I don’t have a daughter. How sad for any boys these women have! My sons are 3 and almost 2, and they are much better behaved than any girl children I know, and you’re 100% right, its all about the parenting! I’ll certainly be sure to come back here, thanks for an enjoyable read.

Well done, well done, well done! I’m so tired of people letting their kids run roughshod over them and justify it by saying “They have to be allowed to express themselves.” Bull. You can express yourself without being a demon-spawned little brat, and it’s up to us to teach them how. I want my kids to be confident in their own abilities, not future prison inmates and violent egomaniacal jerks.

I totally agree. My son is 19 months an is a, shall we say, energetic toddler. He pushes and hits but we always, always stop and get down on his level to say “we don’t hit/push people” and even though he doesn’t talk yet I always say “tell ___ your sorry.” If he is being especially rough I always apologize to the mother and check the victim to make sure they aren’t hurt. I reprimand my child first and reassure the victim second, even if they are being comforted I make i contact with the child and say “are you ok?”. I’m tired, always, my son is a total boy, trucks and dinosaurs and loud noises galore but no matter how tired I am from chasing him about Saying “I’m sorry” and correcting my son’s behavior is the top of my list.

You know, while you’re on the right track here, you’re missing an important point.

Agreed. Everyone should learn to be nice.

But guess what, the world doesn’t work like that. All you can control is your children. If someone else’s kid hits one of my kids and doesn’t apologize, it’s not up to me to discipline the other child.

At that point you have an opportunity for YOUR child to understand that other people will often behave in ways that you don’t think are reasonable, and that my even defy explanation.

Don’t waste time focusing on the other child and his or her parent. It’s unlikely you will do anything but make them angry. Whether you think that’s justified or not, you need to focus on parenting your own children.

You can’t protect them from people who behave badly, all you can do is teach them to react appropriately, with good grace and humor when it does happen.

Totally agree!

One thing to keep in mind is that there is a difference between saying you’re sorry and accepting blame or responsibility for something. I say I’m sorry a lot simply as a way to express that I feel for you and not because I made you feel any particular way - and believe me this is so important when parenting teens! You are an awesome role model mom :~)

Cassandra Rae’s last blog post..Connect with Me at?

5 girls and 3 boys here–and while we glory in their differences and the unique predilections of their genders, we insist that the ethic is the same–that we are kind, that we are considerate of others, that we honor others’ feelings, that we avoid purposely hurting someone–and we have often had to allow some friendships to wane when some parents were not of like mindset, calling over-aggression ‘just a boy thing’, or cruel exclusion ‘just a girl thing’–when in reality, it’s ‘just a rude thing’–

Great post! Enjoying perusing your site!
Blessings!

Octamom’s last blog post..Dark Frugality….

I am in such agreement it’s scary. I have a very “boy’s boy” but I refuse to just let that be the end of it. He is being taught to say, “please, thank you, and sorry,” everyday. It is a little bit tougher to get him to slow down and think before he acts than it was with my daughter, but by golly he’s going to do it.

Heidi’s last blog post..I love Giveaways

I agree wholeheartedly with you! Too many people don’t parent their children. Good for you and your husband!

Karen’s last blog post..WORDLESS WEDNESDAY - THIS YEAR’S COUNTRY HAM FESTIVAL

I’ve 3 girls and a boy and YUP! They’re just the same. No one in my household gets a free pass on anything just because of their gender. Amen!

Maybe I am the only one but I don’t agree. You shouldn’t “make” your children say sorry. You can lead them by example so perhaps the mom should have gone and stood next to her son and apologized on his behalf therefore modeling remorse but to MAKE him apologize would be shaming him for something that could have been an accident and embarrassing him in front of other people by highlighting his apparent wrong doing. Shaming children is not an effective parenting tool. Manners should be learned over a period of time…not forced by parents to meet the societal expectations of others.

I didn’t say you shouldn’t teach them manners or to say sorry…I said you should not MAKE them or force them to say it. As in…”Billy tell that boy you are sorry this instant.” That is shaming them.

I personally don’t have to have someone speak on MY behalf because I am an adult…kids will learn from parents gradually by watching them in action. I am content to model good manners not force them on my kids and yes I have 3 very well mannered and delightful kids who have decided to be mannerly by choice…not by mandate.

Tiffany’s last blog post..Beyond A Peanut

[...] had a comment this past weekend on my Boys Will Be Boys post.  The commenter told me that by making my children say they were sorry, I was shaming them. [...]

Great post. As the father of a young son, I am a huge proponent of making him take responsibility and apologize for any destructive actions… and having him take corrective actions if possible.

However, sometimes when a little boy hits you in the head with a stick, you have to hit back. That doesn’t sound good, but I can’t come up with another way to articulate it.

I suppose that I can tell it like my mother taught me. Never start a fight. Always try to avoid physical confrontation. In my life, I think that I was in maybe three fights. A quote from my mother still stays with me. “Son, I never want you to start a fight, but I will want you to finish it.” I adhered to those words and it served me well.

Just my $.02