I have seen (and participated in) a number of online conversations these past few days that have revolved around child birth and parenting. Loaded topics, or so it seems. The conversations I participated in were with friends who I know, and with whom I could share embarrassing details of my labor and delivery (openly on the Internet, but whatever). Some conversations I witnessed got a little heated and nasty and not to be all OLD FART on everyone, but child birth has been a hot topic for centuries now, and probably always will be.
You need to do what works for you and ignore everyone else.
I thought I had it all figured out when I was pregnant with my first full-term baby. I read the books and went to a pre-natal course and KNEW what I was doing. Then, that fateful night that I had “show” threw it all out into the wind. I had NO IDEA what I was doing. I lost my composure yet had the wherewithal to call the Hospital and then get us into the building. Three hours of pushing (and a few turds) later, our “birth plan” became more of a “get us both out alive” plan. Graham was stuck and I was thisclose to have a C-Section and I know for a fact that if I had tried for a home birth, one or both of us would have died if we had not switched gears and headed to the hospital.
You need to do what works for you and ignore everyone else.
I am not opposed to home births. They sound lovely and wonderful and such. They were just not for me. My firstborn child was 9 lbs., 12 oz. on his due date. An almost ten pound child, who refused to turn his head the right way and kept using his head like a battering ram against my cervix. The wonderful team at our hospital got him out alive. He was battered and bruised, but alive.
The suction extraction device that didn’t work and the forceps that finally worked and the fact that I tend to go from zero to ten in no time whatsoever (and that I live thirty minutes from the hospital) meant that my Doctor, she of the Natural tendencies, suggested that I be induced ten days early with my second child to save us from the drama of the first delivery. My water was broken, I was put on the Pitocin drip and four hours later I was told to push. After the first push she said, “One more and the baby will be out!” I wasn’t going to prove her wrong and one push later, Nathan was here.
You need to do what works for you and ignore everyone else.
Emily’s birth was almost identical to that of Nathan’s. Well, except for the whole “IT’S A GIRL!!” thing. We were checked in, my water was broken, I was induced, and BAM! Healthy baby girl.
I do not begrudge you your meticulous birth plans or your midwives or your doulas or whatever else you have on your birthing agenda. I happened to have a ObGyn, who is as natural as they come, and was blessed to have nurses who talked to me and massaged my back and were so great that my husband made a joke about whether or not he really needed to be there.
As the kids have grown up I have encountered many a passive aggressive comment from other parents in regards to eating habits (“My kids only organic vegetables, and refuse to use salt or butter! They also have their own garden that they cultivate!) and sleeping habits (“My kids sleep FIFTEEN HOURS A DAY, plus naps!”) and everything else kid-related and, eh. It’s not worth my time to defend my kids (and their awesomeness) or try to get others to see that maybe they’re being jerkwads, and possibly exaggerating to cover their own parental insecurities.
Parenting isn’t a competition, friends. At least not for me. We’ve been given these wily beings with explosive personalities and not one of them is the same. Not one. Kind of like not one of us is the same. Not one.
Can we just call a truce and stop knocking each other down? We need all of the help and support that we can get. It takes a village…
amen.
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When asked for advice the only advice I give is TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. You know yourself and your babies better than anyone.
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Indeed. The competition starts so young (who even CARES when your baby rolled over?) and I don’t think it ever stops, unless we decide not to participate.
This reminded me of Jenny’s (the Blogess) recent post about playdates…so funny!
http://thestir.cafemom.com/baby/115335/lesson_ten_you_shouldnt_even
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WORD!
i was judgmental of mothers BEFORE i had children up to when my first was still a baby…
…but then i grew a brain.
instead of being each others best support, a lot of women imagine that THEY know best. hence, if you don’t raise your children like they do you totally suck as a parent. probably those women are all closet drinkers, though…so don’t put too much credit to their advice. like, if they’re all “you don’t breastfeed?…i still breastfeed my 5 year old” you can go “you are a total effing drunk face whore who is setting your kid up to need therapy for having an oedipus complex years down the road”.
also, as previously discussed on THE TWITTER, i think every woman poops when pushing a baby out…at least the first time. and if you say you didn’t? that’s because your nurse/midwife/doula was too polite to say.
but you absolutely pooped. so there.
<3
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Yes, absolutely and amen to everything you just said….but I would like to brag that every one of my teenagers sleeps through the night (and most of the day too). Ha!
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I must have missed this firestorm on the internet somehow, but still. I totally agree that we should support each others’ decision – especially the personal ones – more. That being said, I think that many first-time moms (myself included) really had no idea what to expect and sometimes just went along with the doctors/hospitals/medical communities b/c we were so afraid of anything happening to our babies. (Pulling out the dead baby card gets a woman to comply pretty quickly!)
I’ve never had a home birth (and don’t plan to), but with each of my 3 kids, I’ve moved more and more to a more natural childbirth. And I do wish I would have known then what I know now.
I have seen good friends and family members go through terrible, terrible birth experiences that, in my opinion, could totally have been avoided if their doctors weren’t such douche-bags. But, of course, many doctors are wonderful! (Mine is – I used a family doctor for my last 2). So, when I have friends or colleagues pregnant with their first kid, I do try to gently let them know that there are other option than an OB and an epidural. But I support them no matter what.
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Too true. But I have to say when someone is complaining that their kids doesn’t sleep in the co-sleep, I have a really hard time NOT telling them how to fix it
Yeah, I got work to do!
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Oh, I KNOW, right?
Now that my kids are eight and six I keep seeing all these beautiful women around me doing things ‘naturally’ and at home with midwives and doulas, and part of me romanticizes it and thinks I would have gone that route if I knew then what I know now and all that.
But in reality? Like you and Graham, either Adora or I wouldn’t have survived her birth without all the medical help available to us. 24 hours of labour with three hours of pushing – she was the same size as Graham and sideways also. Neither the forceps nor the suction thingy worked and we were rushed to emergency surgery (which also didn’t go the way it should have). I’m just glad we’re both alive and doing well!
I think about all the competition between new young mothers and I really think we’re all just paranoid and unsure of our choices and methods and ourselves, and all we really long for is for someone -anyone- to tell us we’re doing a good job.
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Amen to that!
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No, it’s not. But some people, bless their poor misguided souls, think it is.
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When we went over all our careful birth plan ideas it always came back to a) do what makes YOU comfortable and b) it’s about a healthy babe & mom, not the shit list (ha) of what you did or didn’t do in the end. You and babe are alive? Success!
Love the comment on telling people to trust their instincts. What is most awesome for my kid is not necessarily right for yours – you know them best.
A good reminder to keep my own mouth shut on occasion…
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Wow, I totally missed all the negativity, I think I went to bed right after the turd talk started. Yikes.
I’ve been reading a bunch on “natural” birthing lately (Hypnobirthing, specifically) but I’m hesitant to write about anything I’m learning for fear of sounding Holier Than Thou. I’ll probably do it after the baby’s born to see if I can actually pull it off because, like you, my birth plan when right out the window as soon as I was actually in labor (both times), haha!
On the other hand, I love hearing about and sharing with women who do so in a respectable way – I love learning new things about pregnancy/birth that I didn’t know before and some women write beautifully about it. And then there’s the turds – the human turds who have to go and ruin it and DO IT MY WAY BECAUSE YOU ALL ARE WROOOOOONG!
Awesome post.
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If I should ever have a baby I’m going to write my birth plan the way I imagine Nicolas Cage would, were he allowed to write a birth plan.
It will most likely involve crazy hair and shouting “NOT THE BEES; ANYTHING BUT THE BEES!” at the top of my lungs.
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Absolutely! Well said!
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What a wonderful post.
I love love love the comment about the teenagers sleeping through the night.
I think one of the things that keeps me from being braggy is that kids are just WAITING for you to do it so they can change things up on you! Yesterday I had my six month call from my lactation consultant and I was all “yes, everything is great. Breastfeeding has been so successful.” Today? Clogged duct.
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So very well said.
The comparisons and competitions just wear me out.
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Isn’t that the truth. I think when it comes down to it we’re all flying by the seat of our pants, we ask when we want information, we Google when we think the answer we got is weird/useless/total crap (or if it came from my Mom, something they’d have thought old school…in Medievel times), we pray, talk to our spouse and the wing it! Arguing is pointless, how many times has someone argued a decision you’re making with your kid that you’ve actually changed your direction – for me never. And each kid is awesome in their own right, so let them be who they’ll be, raise them the best that you can and be proud like every parent should be!
Great post!
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ps. After two births one with drugs and one without I just want to say, I ? drugs!
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My friend, who is a highly specialized Ob/Gyn says that the longer the birth plan the more likely the woman is going to end up having a lot of interventions. This isn’t because birth plans don’t work – it’s because the women are wound up and stressed out. Whether this is true or not I don’t know. I’ve had two babies and hoped for two drug-free births (because Ihave really bad reactions to drugs). Baby #1 was a planned c-section because we found out two weeks before she was due that she was breech. Baby #2 was another c-section because no amount of picotin was helping get her out. At the end of the day what is important is that I have two healthy girls. At the end of the day that is all that is ever important.
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It is on many occasion I read your words and wonder how it is possible that we share a brain?!
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I remember years ago when I had babies and there was a lot of subtle (and not so subtle) competitive comments from a few other mothers as if there was a prize being awarded for Best Birth.
Then there were the rest of us who were just grateful we got through the whole process with a living healthy baby and a body that wasn’t too banged up by the ordeal.
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I have no interest in criticizing someone else’s birth plan. It’s not good for womankind.
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Absolutely. Amen!
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Love this.
I continue to be blown away by how interested people are in my choices and decisions.
As for the home birth – I’m kind of considering it (but only because the hospital is literally a 4 minute drive from my condo.)
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