I only know bits and pieces.
My Mom: “I was raised by my grandparents until I was ten years old. Then my Mom, your Nana, arrived with her new husband and relocated me from my home in Nova Scotia to their new house in Ontario.”
My Dad: “When your Mom and I were newly married, we took a trip to Halifax. Your Mom pointed to a homeless man who was obviously drunk, stumbling down the street and said, “Do you see that man? He is my biological father.”"
My Dad: “After your Mom and I divorced, my Mom (Grandma) told me that your Mom had confided in her. She apparently gave a child up for adoption before we ever met. She was working as a nurse in northern Manitoba and apparently the nurses and police officers had a connection…I think it was a boy. The birth coincided with the death of her nine-year-old brother; from what I understand she gave up the baby and then then traveled back to Ontario for the funeral.”
My Nana: “Yes, your Mom was a nurse in northern Manitoba. No, she did not have any babies before you; the thought of it absolutely ridiculous.”
My Aunt (My Dad’s sister): “When we first met your Mom, she was wearing a bikini. She was a tiny, petite thing, yet had stretch marks on her belly. The kind that you get when you have had a baby.”
My Dad: “There was this girl in high school who got pregnant. She said it wasn’t mine…”
My Dad: “Last year an English man called the pub where your Aunt works; it appears that my Dad (Grandpa) may have fathered a child while he was in England fighting in the war.”
I only know bits and pieces.
These little bits of information have been bouncing around in my head for days, months, years. My parents are all sorts of messed up because they slip up every once in awhile and say something that they probably didn’t want me to know. I am left blinking, and thinking, and wondering WHAT THE HECK? But I can’t ask them. Oh, no. My family only operates on the surface. How are you? How are the kids? And how about that weather?
Canadians can talk about the weather at great lengths, for many hours on end. The heat! The cold! The rain! Good grief.
Where do I even begin?
I have a biological grandfather whom I know absolutely nothing about. I do not know his name, his age, or what he even looks like. Based on the fact that my mom is (also an alcoholic, and) sixty-two years old I am pretty sure that he is no longer living. He likely lived a good eighty years or so and had no idea that he had created a daughter. Who had two daughters of her own. Who then went on to create three boys and two girls between them. He had no idea, whether it was withheld from him or whether he drowned it out with Jack Daniels. I will never know.
I will never know.
But this man is one half of my Mom’s genetic makeup. ONE HALF. Which means that he is one quarter of my DNA. ONE QUARTER. I do not know his name or his height, or whether he was blond or brunette. Do I have any of his traits? Maybe my eyes? They don’t look like my Mom or my Dad’s. Or maybe little pieces of my children are from him? I will never know.
I will never know.
Then there is the whole lost sibling issue. My Mom had a baby before she had me that she gave away. A BABY. This baby and I share half of the same DNA (Like many of my other siblings). There is a person out there (Likely a boy, according to my Dad.) (Sidenote: How the heck are you married for ten years and do not tell your spouse that you GAVE A BABY UP FOR ADOPTION? Instead, you tell his MOM? No wonder their marriage didn’t work out (Among many other reasons.))
I have an older sibling out there who I know absolutely nothing about. I can’t talk to my Mom about it because I see her once every three years or so and it’s not really something you can discuss on the phone. Besides, as I mentioned above, we don’t go deep. Ever. And when I try, there is nothing but conflict and tears.
I’m tired of conflict and tears. But they might be necessary this time.
As for the high school friend of my Dad’s…it’s been fifteen years since he told me that and he was probably (hopefully) joking. I’ll leave it at that.
Then there is the English dude. The conversations that I have been able to get out of my dad is that my Grandpa had some distant cousins, one of whom he became “close” to. She would write vague letters after he had returned home from the war and upon seeing them my Grandma would seethe for days. She knew. She knew.
I don’t even know where to go from here, or even why I am laying it all out. Maybe because I need to. I am tired of it all ricocheting in my head and making me spin. How I ended up with this nuclear family who is for all intents and purposes a little bit boring in light of my personal history, I will never know.
I’m also wondering where I go from here. Do I search out these little pieces of me who are strewn across my great nation? Do I sit my parents down and try to get as much information out of them as I can and move forward? Or do I keep on keeping on as I have always done and just push all of this information down and pretend that it’s someone else’s story?
I just don’t know.
I’m sorry I tweeted in response, but, um, comments were closed.
Reiterate: It’s your story, and you deserve to know all of it. The good, the bad,and the ugly. It makes me wonder if I ever saw your grandfather while wandering around Halifax.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Teh Random
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It’s interesting to me that those of past generations are so much more concerned about appearances and what people think then the truth. My mom’s mother (my Busia) would never let anyone see her birth certificate. I was very close to her and lived nearby so she had told me were all her documents were in case I ever found her dead (heh- she was practical like that) but made me swear to never look at them. Oh my god, did I ever want to look but I honored her wishes. At one point my sister asked my mom why Busia wouldn’t show her birth certificate and my mom told her “my mother has some secrets, I won’t tell you until after she is gone” in a very grave tone.
Fast forward to when Busia was in a nursing home and my uncle and aunt were her main caregivers so they had all her paperwork. One night everyone was in town and going over the documents (Busia was 91 and knocking on heaven’s door at this point) and the birth certificate came out. I slyly glanced at it for the big secret but couldn’t figure out what the big deal was. So I asked my mom and uncles and after much hand ringing and sighing it was finally revealed that my Busia’s father was not the man her mother was married to at the time she was born, but was the man her mother married 2 years later. He was also the man who raised her until she was 10 when she watched him commit suicide (another interesting fact that wasn’t told to me until I was an adult and married myself). Her whole life she kept this “shameful family secret” and even lied about her age saying she was 2 years younger then her birth certificate, as to not raise any eyebrows about her mother’s reputation.
It was all so scandalous in her era but so not a big deal now. I can’t believe she worked so hard to protect her mother’s secret and lied about her age all those years…her husband & youngest son didn’t even know. My mom was the only one she confided in – her older brother figured it out when he took over Busia’s records. My Busia also had a half-brother that kind of disappeared around the age of 15 (in the 1930s) and no one ever talks about him or knows what happened to him. It’s all very strange and when you bring it up the subject was changed immediately.
You’re mysteries are much closer in lineage then mine but I totally understand the desire to know about those people. Because knowing my biological great-grandfather was depressed enough to commit suicide and my great-uncle just ran away and was never heard from again? – those are good to know when it comes to caring for my own mental health!
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I recently learned that my gramma had a baby as a teenager, before meeting my grampa. We were told he died, but my mom has a feeling the baby was actually raised as her second cousin.
On the other side of my family, we’re Metis. This was never EVER discussed until about 10 years ago, when my dad went to work for the Nisga’a nation in northern BC-then his gramma started telling him about her history, which had never been talked about, since she didn’t want anyone to know she was native.
I think it’s important to know your roots, where you came from, who your family is, why choices were made. I think people often have to be in the right place to talk though, which can make it diffcult to learn anything…But if it’s important to you, you should try to learn more.
Meg’s last blog post..Pride Recap
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Maybe your (wonderfully) quasi-boring and WHOLE family is a result of you seeing and experiencing all of these painful “bits and pieces”? You are clearly devoted beyond measure to your relationship with your husband and children, and I’ve found that in my own life, sometimes the things I do best are in response/opposition to the things I’ve seen growing up that DIDN’T fit my ideals.
As for what to do next, I know your question was rhetorical, but I wanted to say that I think you are already excellent at creating your OWN story–you are honest with yourself and transparent with your family, and as one of your loyal readers, I see (and admire) how hard you work at doing both.
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If it were me, I would be asking the questions. Your parents have let enough little fragments of these stories slip out over the years that they should be prepared to explain them. On the other hand, I come from a family of communicators, so it may be that I just don’t understand the dynamic of a family that doesn’t “go deep.” I dunno.
I also find it interesting how far previous generations would go in order to hide things that might cause them shame. Even in our parents’ generation. Brian just found out three years ago that he has an older biological sister who was adopted. His parents kept the secret for over thirty years. They were even in contact with her for six months before they told any of us.
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PS The twitter link doesn’t work. It shows the title but goes to the LOST island. I was able to find it by searching the word “bits” on your site.
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If it were me, I’d begin with the sit-down. And not from a position of “damn your generation, won’t you unclench the butt of truth already” (as tempting as that may be) but from a position of “I love my family, and it’s important to me, and so I want to know all the corners of it”.
It may get more complicated than that, sure. But I’d be fascinated too, if I were you.
sweetsalty kate’s last blog post..grow up to be a debaser
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For many reasons I think it is worth trying to find out the details, or at least the people.
My me mere, had a baby out of wedlock (although the exact circumstances are not fulling known, it may have been with a relative). That baby disappeared for years and years. He came back into her/our lives about 20 years ago (he was almost retired by then – just to give you an age reference). I have never been told the entire story, but he is very much a part of our family now.
Also, my brother and SIL gave up a baby for adoption before they got married. It was her/their decision, but it almost tore my family apart for a while. My mom had a hard time with it, even so much as offering to raise the child for them. Although it was a closed adoption my mom and brother figured out where the couple lived (long story, I can tell you privately if you wish). Much like you, a lot of my family is just on the surface. I have no idea if my brother ever confided in my SIL that he knows where their daughter was/is living (my mom had told me he has told her). It is never mentioned, never discussed, not even in passing. With the exception of one relative, my father’s family knows nothing about it (they only know because the same thing happened to them). My mom’s side of the family all know about it. It is all about appearances (my grandparents were not fond of my mother).
I have so much more I could tell you, but will keep it short(er).
Ask the questions, cry the tears, work through the frustrations before it is too late and you can’t get the answers you need. You may not like what you hear, but knowing the truth is better than letting what you know ramble around in your mind.
Amanda’s last blog post..Summer Reading Round-up – Part One
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Oh Angella, that is a lot to have bouncing around in your head. I don’t know what I would do. What I do know is that my parents have secrets too…I heard more than I ever wanted to know in the heat of the moment once. I don’t want to know because it is too painful. For me. For my mom. I just don’t want to go there. It, however, does not involve a child, at least not one that made it into this world.
I think all families have stuff like this that has been swept under the carpet.
I am glad you found a way to talk about it
Sending you big hugs!
Kami’s Khlopchyk’s last blog post..The shot I’ve been after for years
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wow. keep chewing on it. keep praying on it, and for what it’s worth, I think you should keep asking questions.
I am adopted and found my birthmom 4 years ago (who funny enough, is from Nova Scotia…). For me, it brought a sense of completion that I didn’t even fully realize I was missing.
And even more-so, I met an entire family of people who didn’t really know I existed until shortly before I entered the picture. (they could probably relate to your situation more than I can from my end)
It has been so positive to be apart of their lives and them apart of mine. We’re not extremely tight, and there’s no expectation that I will all of the sudden open up my entire life to them, but it is still something special.
The result of searching,asking and finding has only showed me so much deeper God’s story of grace and redemption for my life and the lives of those around me. Why you ended up with the family you did, I don’t know. But I DO know that woven in every disjointed part of it is God’s grace. if you choose to keep pursuing, I hope it shows you more and more deeply God’s plan for your life and the lives of your family.
Karmyn’s last blog post..Maybe one day I’ll have time to blog again
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Heavy duty stuff, Angella. I can’t pretend to know what advice could be useful, but I had an experience this summer that might be interesting to you, if not helpful.
I recently found out an ugly family secret about my grandpa, something that happened 65 years ago. He’s old now, and on the way out, which is probably why the secret became less…umm…secretive. But what was more interesting than having the sordid details revealed was learning that his kids (my aunts and uncles) had found out about it 10 years ago.
So meanwhile, over these last 10 years, there’s been all kinds of proverbial sh*t hitting the fan in the family. Lots of bitterness toward my grandpa from his adult children, most of whom are grandparents themselves by now. But the adult grandkids (me and my cousins) had no idea what was going on because nobody told us — so suddenly our beloved grandpa was being vilified and supposedly our parents didn’t love him any more…but they wouldn’t tell us why.
Sorry, I dragged the story out too long. All of this to say — sometimes it’s really helpful to know the full story (no matter how painful or difficult), because it helps explain the behaviour sand relationships in the rest of the family that otherwise don’t make any sense. So that might be one reason to pursue the truth.
Jeremy’s last blog post..Bits of Beauty
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I like what Jeremy said in his last paragraph. He’s totally right about that.
Right now I’m working up the courage to get in touch with my grandpa, as I want to be able to get to know him before it’s too late. Because of various family issues, my relationship with him has been pretty non-existent for the majority of my life. I want to know the bits and pieces that are missing in our family’s story.
Thanks for sharing. This (along with several other circumstances this week) has been a good source of encouragement to pursue these relationships. I hope you’re able to find the missing pieces in your family life as well.
Sharon’s last blog post..Travelers checks
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Family is complicated, huh. Everybody is different but for myself I’d want to get it all laid out if possible. My grandfather was estranged from his family (his choice – long story) and we never got to know him. The week before he finally did decide to meet us he had a heart attack and died. i would definitely want to know/find out whatever I could while you still can, particularly if you have an older brother out there somewhere BUT thats what I would do, not sure if that is necessarily the case for anybody else. Praying for peace for you irrespective of what you end up doing.
Robyn’s last blog post..Baby Fairy
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Wow. That is really heavy, and one of only a few ‘heavy’ posts I have read on your blog. That in itself speaks volumes to me. You WANT to know more, you NEED to know more. And you know what? I think you have a RIGHT to know more. I like what somebody else suggested about taking it to God in prayer. Pray about what questions to ask, how to ask them, who to ask, and how to deal with the answers. I’ll pray too, okay? ((hugs))
Hannah’s last blog post..Where it all began ?
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This is a tough situation to be in Angella. The fact that it continues to swim around your head and heart tells me that it is something you may need to pursue. However, you need to be mentally prepared for the conflict and tears if you do. I agree with others – pray on it and He will give you your answer.
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I can relate to having a family that operates on the surface. I honestly don’t know what I would do in your situation. On one hand, I would want to know the whole story. On the other hand, I know that if I were to push my mother to reveal things that she would rather deny, it would cause an endless amount of family drama. It’s a tough one, lady! I hope you find the right balance of finding your peace and allowing your mom to keep hers.
hillary’s last blog post..I Know We Are, We Are The Lucky Ones, Dear
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I found my biological mother a year and a half ago. Kamryn said it PERFECTLY:
“For me, it brought a sense of completion that I didn’t even fully realize I was missing.”
It’s so true. I knew all along I was adopted and love my parents and siblings more than anything or anyone. Even still, I was always curious about finding my birthmom but didn’t really fully realize the changes it made in my life once I did.
I guess I always felt incomplete and it affected the way I felt about myself. (Even though I didn’t realize this at the time)
It was like something erupted, something changed, deep down inside of me once I knew all the details about where I came from and who created me.
Go for it. My experience was a good one, but it still wasn’t easy keeping everyones feelings in check. (My mom, who was extremely supportive of me choosing to find my birthmother, had an emotional time with it, which is completely understandable. I made sure she knew that our relationship would NEVER change and she was mom, and would ALWAYS be mom.)
I feel like you are the type of person who could handle this situation by choosing to look deeper. You have a very supportive husband and lots of friends who will be with you every step of the way. I say go for it. Good luck with this. I’ll be thinking of you!
Shelly’s last blog post..Just Because…
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Wow! I had no idea!
I think you do want to know the truth. And there are ways to go about it. It might be helpful, and kind of give you some closure?
But on the other hand, I have a 1/2 brother out there and I have no interest in finding him. He was from my dad’s first marriage and probably a good 10 years older than me.
Kristabella’s last blog post..I’m A Little Verklempt
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I think it was good to write it out, at least you can let that part stop swimming and anchor for a bit.
IMO you should talk to your Mom, tears drama etc. Find out what you can because it is important.
There are a few skeletons in my family history. My uncle (dads oldest brother) who was born “premature” (7 months) who was not actually a tiny baby, uh-huh. At least two cousins who pretty much fell off the face of the planet – due to drugs or whatever, never to be heard from again. And my Brother and SIL had a son before they were married, and gave him up for adoption.
I hope you find a way to talk with those concerned, and can find some relief in that. Good post, tough I know.
monstergirlee’s last blog post..Girl With Big Hands
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Good luck with whatever you decide to pursue with this. Family secrets make things hard. Sorry you have so many questions to ponder.
Elizabeth’s last blog post..Just yesterday
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