I am not afraid of dying.
Well, I may be a little afraid of how it might all go down, but the after-death part? Completely not afraid of it.
For I am someone who believes in God. Not only that, I believe in Jesus. Not the “nice guy” who walked the Earth over 2000 years ago, but the Son of God who made it possible for an idiot like me to get into Heaven. When the time comes that I cross from life into death, I know that I will be fine. I will be more than fine, actually. I will be in a place where there is no more pain, no more fear, no more tears.
What I am afraid of is what will happen to those I leave behind. Matthew is my life partner. While he is arguably the better spouse, the better parent, the better person…I am his other half. I do my part around the house, in our lives, in our family. How would he fare as a single parent to three small children? How would he do it all without me by his side?
Then there are my children. Oh…my children. How would they handle the loss of their Mother? Would they know that I loved them with every fibre of my being, to the point where I sometimes wonder if my heart will literally burst? Would they know that I pray over them while they are sleeping? Would they know that I dream dreams for their future? Of hope and happiness, of life and love?
I usually get onto this train of thought when I am away from them all, usually for work. Alone in the truck, or on a plane, my mind starts to go to that dark place. I wonder if I should do more to preserve my love for them. I think of writing journals to each child, for them to open upon my ceasing to exist.
But then I realize that I do not want to spend all of my living time worrying about the chance I could be gone. Carpe Diem!
My other fear is that something will happen to Matthew. While I know that he, too, will be in a far better place…we would not be. He is my best friend, my love, my other half. He takes care of my every Earthly need. He keeps this house running, he is my emotional balance, he is the best Daddy any child could ask for. For him to leave would be like cutting open my chest, placing my heart on the chopping block, and severing it in two.
Then there are our children. Ohhhhhh…our children. Daddy is the King. He is the Man. The one who lights up their eyes with the glory of his love. They know how good they have it, I think. Give them a decade and they will be blown away with the fact that they get to call this man “Daddy”.
Losing him before we are ninety is something I cannot fathom.
This past Tuesday Matthew needed to do a road trip. His industry (lumber) is hurting in this economy so he thought he should touch base with two of his mills. He wanted to do an eleven-hour trip, with stops at two mills, in the course of one day. His plan was to leave before five in the morning and be home before dinner.
I suggested that he leave later, in order to travel in more daylight hours. Better yet, break up the trip. Stay in a hotel. I hate when he is gone, but I hate him traveling in the off-season even more. The Weather Network gave him the all clear, so he stuck to his original plan. I spent the day praying for his safe return.
He called me at lunchtime. He was at the second mill and was waiting for the owner to come down the mountain. He filled me in on his first stop, on the weather, on the fall foliage he was surrounded with.
He got home just before four in the afternoon. He was dog piled by three little people who asked him if he had a good trip while smothering him with kisses. He came up to the kitchen for a hug and a kiss from his beloved. I went back to chopping vegetables for supper and asked him how the day went.
I have something I need to tell you.
Something in his voice made me look up and into his eyes.
I did not want to say anything when I called you at lunch, because I didn’t want you to worry.
I put the knife down and braced myself on the counter.
I was coming up a hill. The roads were wet, but I was not worried. As I crested the hill the truck spun out of control. Black Ice.
I spun in a circle to the right. Then I started spinning to my left, into the oncoming lane.
I looked out of my driver’s side window and saw a Garbage truck barreling toward me. I was absolutely certain I was going to be hit. Our truck slid into the ditch mere seconds before being hit. I saw the garbage truck braking to a stop. The driver came to check on me and told me he was pretty sure I was going to be a compact car that day.
I felt ill and had to sit down. I still feel ill when I stop to think about it.
I was mere seconds away from losing the only man I have ever truly loved. The man who vowed to be with me ’til death do us part. The man who shares three of the most beautiful children on the planet with me.
I cannot fathom life without him.
I have been squeezing him and the kids a little harder ever since. Make sure you do the same to those around you too. You won’t ever regret it.
I know in my heart that life here on Earth is but a blip in Eternity. But I also know that I have been given a taste of Heaven here on Earth with this family of mine. I am just not ready to give it up quite yet.
Wow, that’s pretty scary. Happy he’s okay. Thank you for sharing the story, it will make definitely make me hug mine a little tighter today.
Kimber’s last blog post..Another Milestone
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Wow. You have me boo-hooing.
I have VERY similar thoughts ALL.THE.TIME. I don’t like it … & to have come so close to living them out … how scary. SO glad that the Lord was looking over Matthew. He’s not done here on Earth yet, is he?
My daughter is still sleeping. I think I’m going to go pray over her (as I often do) … & am going to call my husband. Thank you for the gentle reminder that life is so short & that we don’t need to ever take it for granted!
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you have my eyes watering. it’s so scary how unpredictable life can be. the kisses from his three monkeys must have felt like heaven when he got home, eh?
joyce’s last blog post..Helper Hudson
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Oh wow, I’m so glad he’s alright. That’s scary.
Maria’s last blog post..Immoral Parenting: Movies
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Something like this really does make your life so much sweeter, doesn’t it? I agree that you have as close to heaven on earth as possible. I believe your gratitude, not fear, increases it. May you all live long, loving lives.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Road Trip
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Oh Angella, I have goosebumps because my cousin experienced something similar only his truck rolled and he now has a plate in his head….
God isn’t ready to take your Matthew yet, and for that we can all be grateful!
Big hugs to you my friend.
Ps I am much better today. Out of the valley and up the hill.
Kami’s last blog post..I love your blogs!
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So thankful that God’s hand pushed the truck into the ditch… Sending you prayers of thanksgiving and safekeeping.
ELizabeth’s last blog post..But, I don’t wanna!!
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That must have been so scary for him! I’m so glad he’s ok!
Sarah VM’s last blog post..Momdot.com is Giving Away a Babycape!!
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Oh, so so scary. I would be having a hard time with this too. HUGS!
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Oh man, I can’t fathom such a thing either. I so glad he’s okay. ((hugs))
catnip’s last blog post..my fear, in focus
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I’m so glad that Matthew is okay.
hills’s last blog post..But Late Last Night In The Pharmacy You Were In The Line In Front Of Me So I Ran Away To Hide
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Wow, I’m so glad to hear he’s all right.
My parents have both gone through their health struggles in the past few years, and after they came out of their respective difficulties, I would hug them a little tighter, and call them a bit more often. I can’t imagine life without my parents, and the health scares they had made me appreciate them so much more. I know they’ll probably pass away before I do, but I’m not ready to let go just yet. I appreciate all the time I do get to spend with them, and try not to take it for granted.
Thanks for the reminder to really and truly appreciate our loved ones a little more today.
Sharon’s last blog post..Uganda
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We are so glad to hear that Matthew returned home to you safe. That story made me tear in many a place. While I share your fears of losing my children, my husband, my family or them losing me I also had a car accident very, very similar to his. I spun out infront of an on coming semi-truck and to this day the people who stopped to check on me are baffled by the fact that while my car landed upside down in a ditch, I was unhit and unscathed.
I say, that my guardian angels on that day and Matthew’s the other day had pretty sore muscles. God’s gotta have some big plans for Matthew to put those angels through that! That’s great news for you!
Ashley’s last blog post..I’m pregnant, not Budda, ok?
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Oh honey. I can so relate. I tend to think those dark thoughts alone in the car on the way home from work. Why, I don’t know. And my husband, too, had one of those moments. He was driving home, when the truck in front him’s tarp came off the cargo. The tarp flipped over my husbands car, completely covering the windshield and the windows to the side. Somehow, everyone around him saw everything, and were able to stay out of his way as he blindly made it to the shoulder. He actually called me from the side of the road, as it scared him so badly that he couldn’t drive until I helped him calm down.
Michele’s last blog post..The Smaller Picture of Today’s Politics
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wow. i don’t even have the words. it’s too scary to even think about! i’m so glad he’s okay.
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So thankful he is okay. It isn’t his time yet.
Heather-Domestic Extraordinaire’s last blog post..A walk thru town square
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That is so frightening. What a relief that he’s okay. (Understatement of the year.)
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children’s last blog post..Fine lines
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(First, you are no idiot, my friend.)
My husband drives a motorcycle. I hold my breath a little every day. I refuse to argue or disagree with him when we’re away form each other because no matter what the issue, he has to get on his bike in order to come back to me, and I won’t let angry words fill that journey. Countless people have told me I’m ridiculous/crazy/stupid/foolish to let him ride one, especially with a child on the way, but I refuse to ever ask someone I love to much and so well to give up something they love so much and so well.
I can’t fathom/imagine losing him either. It’s a possibility that crushes my heart when I consider it. I do know I would eventually be OK. I believe people are stronger than they could ever comprehend and can recover from things once thought to be impossible. But I also know that my life never makes as much sense as when we’re together. To lose that would be the greatest loss of my life.
She Likes Purple’s last blog post..Oh, The Baby
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With tears in my eyes, I am speechless.
I tend to worry a little (ok, a lot) more than I should. You’re right though, I need to focus on living my life, not worrying about what is to come.
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That is terrifying. I’m so glad he is ok.
I get really paranoid if I don’t talk to Sam (either on the internet, the phone, or text messaging) a couple of times a day. I am just convinced that something has happened and that any moment his parents will be calling to tell me he’s in the hospital or something. Being apart sucks. I’m always so relieved when I hear his voice/read his messages. So, I’m glad that for your sake, Matthew’s sake, your babies’ sakes, for all our sakes, that Matthew is ok.
Meg’s last blog post..To Do: Part Two
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Literally what does not kill us makes us stronger!
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Oh my… I’m so glad he’s okay.
reddirtroad’s last blog post..Needing Your Help
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Amazing post! So glad Matthew is ok!
I do hug and kiss my family a lot more since we had an experience like that a few months ago. Ethan and I could have been killed. I really believe the Lord took the wheel for a moment and spared our live.
Makes me want to love every moment!
Anna’s last blog post..A new baby…but not the real kind
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Oh, how scary! I am so glad Matthew is okay. His guardian angels did a good job. I feel the same way as you about losing my family or dying myself (how would they cope?) but I like to think that God would help whichever one(s) of us were left behind, as difficult as it would be. I like to think about God’s angels watching over us all the time, it gives me comfort & strength.
((hugs))
Hannah’s last blog post..Heart.blog
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Miracle.
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Wow. That is WAY too scary. It’s stories like that that make me do the same – hug a bit tighter.
Mrs. Wilson’s last blog post..Liliana’s Rules of Life
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Scary.
So glad he’s Alright Ange.
Brings me back to the days after D’s accident.
I’m so glad God is in control. So so glad.
Miracle indeed.
christy’s last blog post..Better Late than….Later.
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i have goosebumps, chills, and tears just reading that. i’m so glad he is ok. am on my way to hug everyone tight. thanks for the reminder!
carrie’s last blog post..By: killlashandra
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Those are frightening thoughts for sure!
Praise God that Matthew is alright!
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OMG, I am sobbing giant ears of appreciation for all we have. We recently had a similiar expierence, I am preggo woth our first. I really cannot imagine life without mine either…..xo
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Thank you for making me feel normal, it’s so nice to read others have these throughts too.
I hold my breath every day my honey commutes to work (and this summer he was entertaining the idea of becoming a high crane operator…ever the supporter I am, a small part of me would probably go crazy if he does do it).
God has a plan and there is obviously another chapter for your honey. I’m glad everything turned out fine on that particular road trip.
take care
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You.
My Heart.
Wrote.
Hell.
*tears. welling*
God is so amazing. We are so tiny and so selfish.
Amen, Angella.
Rachel’s last blog post..Sh*t Torts and Courcans
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We are different in our specific religious beliefs, but exactly the same in our experiences. It’s amazing how people of such different faiths can have the same experiences and faith about things that are precious, and blessed, and universal, and divine.
Velma’s last blog post..Birthday Girl
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I had the exact same thing happen to me … except I was the one in the truck that did 360′s on the hwy with a semi coming at me but somehow in the nick of time crossed over the road and went down a enbankment … and during all this my poor husband was in our other vehicle behind me watching. Scary stuff … but there was a reason that semi or dump truck never hit us … we were protected! Every moment is precious – cherish it!
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Oh wow! That is so incredibly terrifying. Thank God he’s okay
chanelireli’s last blog post..I hate you a little bit
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I’m so glad he is OK Angella. I must admit I have very similar thoughts..though I’m not married so not about my husband – but about my child or my parents.
Dana’s last blog post..Don’t Faint – its a post!
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I hate worrying about loved ones and the what ifs. I spend quite a bit of time doing this though.
I’m glad everyone is okay.
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I’m so relieved he is okay.
sizzle’s last blog post..Pressing Mute
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I do the same thing when I travel without Aaron or vice versa. While on the one hand, I enjoy our time apart, on the other, I get all crazy-thoughts-queen!
slynnro’s last blog post..Self Proclaimed Product Expert Appears in ACTUAL PUBLICATION.
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my heart just sank!
thank you Jesus he is okay!
i felt like i was sitting right there in the kitchen with you… you painted such a clear picture!
being a mom… wife… we carry so many of these thoughts with us… thank you for sharing… you’re so right it does help though to remember HE is in control… and it is all for the good!
came across you on FB!
blessings…
carissa
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*hugs*
Victoria’s last blog post..Local
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Oh my God! I’m so relieved to hear he’s okay.
metalia’s last blog post..The “Cruel Fall Wind”? Really?
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Thank God he is still with you.
I had a phone call one day at work, Husband said – “Charlotte, I need you to sit down.”
The effects from that day still loom large after 11 years, but he is still with me, and we’re making the best of it. We have two beautiful children and a pretty awesome life. And I cherish him, I really do.
monstergirlee’s last blog post..Gorgeous! Look at the colors of Late October…
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Moments like that crystallize what’s important, don’t they. So thankful he lived to tell; and I appreciate your perspective and thoughtfulness in this post
.
Robin ~ PENSIEVE’s last blog post..Give away giveaway (my favorite of the week!)
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Oh honey, Thank GOD for angels because I am pretty sure one interceded that day!
My husband is traveling every other week now and I can tell you, it’s done wonders for my prayer life! Prayers for all of our traveling husbands and fathers…
Beautiful post too…
Elaine’s last blog post..Napa/San Jose Trip Part 2
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