(This was a BlogHer Initiative. I have been a little, um, preoccupied lately…but have been inspired by this topic. I may be a day late and a dollar short, but this has been on my heart. I could not help but write.)

You have never made it easy for me.

For as long as I can remember, I was referred to as a Big Girl. I was bigger than all of my friends. Taller, wider, thicker.

I was a regular kid who liked candy and Pop Shoppe pop. My Mom loved me to a fault. She did not want to deny me anything, for fear that I would choose my Dad over her. Any food, any treat, was mine to be had. I was never denied anything.

I had friends who were skinny. They could eat candy and drink pop and still retain those pencil-thin thighs. I was beyond envious.

My thighs were never pencil-thin. I had that inner thigh that swayed in the breeze and reminded me that I was not in the same class as the Pencils. I would pound my pillow while chanting, “It’s NOT FAIR!” and hope that you would hear me. That you would ramp up my metabolism and let me be like the other girls. Candy and pop, and pencil-thin thighs.

You did not listen.

This made me so very, very sad. I would cry myself to sleep and wonder why my body hated me so.

I started a new high school in Grade Eleven. Somehow, I ended up in the circle of The Beautiful People. They were also the people of the pencil-thin thighs. I wanted to be like them, so I turned on you. If you would not give me thin thighs, then I would not give you food. For days on end I would withhold food from you.

I got skinny. Scary skinny. But you would not wield. You kept that inner thigh in your grip, to show me that you would not be beaten.

I gave up.

The weight piled back on as I ate, and ate and ate. I was happy, but sad. I felt like a skinny girl trapped in a layer of blubber. Awkward, and uncomfortable.

I hit my mid-twenties. I was tired of feeling like I did not belong in my own skin. I started trying to learn about you and what would make you happy.

I also came to a realization. I was expecting you to be different that what you were meant to be. Just like my emotional and spiritual self felt frustrated by feeling that it was expected to be something different than who I am, I was expecting you to be different that who you are.

That was not fair.

I came to terms with who you are. I ate good food, I exercised. We came to a peace of sorts.

Then Matthew and I decided to have a baby. I got pregnant, and things were good. Then they were not good. They were so very, very bad. You failed me, and I WAS MAD. We had a deal, I thought, and you backed out on it. HOW DARE YOU?

I vowed to prove you wrong. I was going to try,and try, and TRY until we had a baby. The next baby came the first time we tried again. This one stuck.

After a mere eight hours of labour (which included three hours of pushing), you and I produced a perfectly healthy, almost ten pound, baby. He was everything I could have hoped for, and more.

You did not give me stretch marks, and were quick to recover. We worked together to have another baby. And then another.

I think that we have finally come to a resolution. I promise to eat well ninety percent of the time. And to exercise as much as I can with three small kids.

Your end of the deal is to respond to the workout I give you, and promise to do your best to support me in the best way you know how.

I am tired of fighting you. I think that if we work together, we can make it work for decades to come.

Ready To Go

Deal?

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Comments:

  1. She Likes Purple March 14, 2008 8:31 pm edit

    I loved this.

    She Likes Purple’s last blog post..Behind The Love

  2. Loralee March 14, 2008 8:34 pm edit

    I second Purple’s sentiments.

    And? I love your figure.

    Loralee’s last blog post..Truthiness in Self-Portraits?

  3. Kate March 14, 2008 8:45 pm edit

    Wonderfully refreshing honesty!

    Kate’s last blog post..I’m Tired – Update #2

  4. Heather March 14, 2008 9:07 pm edit

    you seriously had three kids?

  5. Elizabeth March 14, 2008 9:41 pm edit

    Excellent… and you’re hot (totally in a not-creepy way ;) )

    Elizabeth’s last blog post..She’s here

  6. Kristin March 14, 2008 10:05 pm edit

    What an awesome post! You are so talented!
    And LOOK at you! You do NOT look like you have had 3 kids!

    Kristin’s last blog post..2 Weeks Today.

  7. Rachel Joy March 14, 2008 10:47 pm edit

    Well written inspiration, Thank you.

  8. Hannah March 15, 2008 1:16 am edit

    Good post!

    Hannah’s last blog post..Just Chillin?

  9. witchypoo March 15, 2008 2:29 am edit

    Excellent letter! Did your body answer it? (It’s only polite)

    witchypoo’s last blog post..Red Friday and other causes

  10. Karla March 15, 2008 4:57 am edit

    Damn girl. That figure is smokin’! It certainly looks like you and your body are getting along just fine. :)

    Karla’s last blog post..What Happens in Vegas

  11. Mar March 15, 2008 5:08 am edit

    Wow! So nice to see that it IS possible to make peace with your body. I’m still working on it. Sigh.

    Mar’s last blog post..Wednesday

  12. Kami March 15, 2008 7:21 am edit

    Angella, you look amazing! You and your body have figured it out and have stuck with it, and that, my friend, is very admirable.

    You are smoking as always:-)

    Pst… keep me away from the mini-eggs. WHO invented those wonderful bits of heaven anyway? They may be my downfall.

    Kami’s last blog post..Friday Fun

  13. Janssen March 15, 2008 7:34 am edit

    What a great post. And you really do look phenomenal.

    Janssen’s last blog post..Voting

  14. Mrs. Wilson March 15, 2008 7:40 am edit

    You look SO fantabulous!!!!

    I was thinking about doing one of those “letter to my body” things … and then got lazy. I’m so glad you did one, I so enjoy hearing (reading?!) what you have to say!

    Mrs. Wilson’s last blog post..Where to?

  15. sizzle March 15, 2008 8:05 am edit

    I still need to do one of these. I’ve got a post battling it out in my head. Well done!

    sizzle’s last blog post..?I am looking for a dare to be great situation.?

  16. Chelsey March 15, 2008 9:32 am edit

    you’re one hot mama!! i think your body is listening!!

    Chelsey’s last blog post..Mayas new Princess Pad

  17. Sharon March 15, 2008 9:36 am edit

    Thank you for sharing that. My body and I have fought my entire life. I’m taking better care of myself these days, and my body is starting to cooperate more. It can be done!

    Sharon’s last blog post..Some Friday lovin?

  18. Victoria March 15, 2008 10:36 am edit

    *hugs*

    Victoria’s last blog post..Well, That Explains It

  19. The Over-Thinker March 15, 2008 10:38 am edit

    This is beautiful–thanks for sharing it, Angella.

    The Over-Thinker’s last blog post..A Brief Break in Humiliation-Style Posts So I Can Whine

  20. Amanda Brown March 15, 2008 10:48 am edit

    I need to write a post on this topic too but just don’t feel like delving into all those ISSUES again. Good for you for being brave and honest about it.

    Amanda Brown’s last blog post..I Think I Have a Hemorrhoid.

  21. Jill - GlossyVeneer March 15, 2008 12:49 pm edit

    This was great. I battled in my head over doing this theme. Ultimately I decided that I wasn’t emotionally prepared to write something of this nature.

    Jill – GlossyVeneer’s last blog post..Before 30: Grow Tomatoes

  22. LVGurl March 15, 2008 2:05 pm edit

    Since training for this triathlon, I have become far more appreciative of my body. I mean, I appreciated it before, being that it gave me two beautiful girls… but now I am in awe of how much it can do when pushed YET treated correctly. Seems like you’re found the same :)

    p.s. I remember Pop Shoppe Pop!! :)

    LVGurl’s last blog post..In the Spring of things

  23. Southernbelle March 15, 2008 4:01 pm edit

    Nobody is ever completely happy with their body, but you look great. I wish I had your figure.

    Southernbelle’s last blog post..What are your bad habits?

  24. MaryBeth March 15, 2008 5:14 pm edit

    Awesome, inspiring post! Being in harmony with myself is something I’m still striving for…

    MaryBeth’s last blog post..The Easter Bunny

  25. Isabel Kallman March 15, 2008 7:00 pm edit

    that was awesome.

  26. Sue March 15, 2008 7:01 pm edit

    Beautiful!

  27. Michele March 15, 2008 7:09 pm edit

    Awesome! (Just like you!)

  28. little miss mel March 16, 2008 9:16 am edit

    well put!!

    little miss mel’s last blog post..proof is in the photo, no?

  29. Laura March 16, 2008 11:38 am edit

    Still working on ending that battle with my body. Someday…in the mean time, I do what I can, and worry about my genes (as if that could change them somehow?!?)….

    Laura’s last blog post..Memories (installment 11)

  30. 180/360 March 16, 2008 4:30 pm edit

    I think you look amazing. I saw some of your old photos on Facebook, so it is easier to see where you are coming from. You wouldn’t know that you had 3 children or ever struggled with weight looking at you now. :)

    180/360’s last blog post..Off to the beach for binge drinking and risky sex…

  31. Don Mills Diva March 17, 2008 11:00 am edit

    I love this post – it’s so honest and empowering. You look great!

    Don Mills Diva’s last blog post..If just one woman is saved by this post…

  32. Tracee Sioux March 18, 2008 8:28 am edit

    This was wonderful. You look amazing.

    Tracee Sioux’s last blog post..Dogma & Ego, Radio & 1001Petals – A New Earth Community

  33. Lisa March 18, 2008 6:03 pm edit

    *tear*

    YOu have a beautiful body. And your honesty is insightful.

    Lisa’s last blog post..I’m no Martha Stewart…

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